Mostly unpleasantly horny Tuesday
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Mary Worth, 6/21/22
One of the minor world-building things in the Star Wars movies that has always bothered me is how languages work. The humans speak English with each other (side note: I’m sure there are specific in-universe Star Wars terms for “humans” and “English” but I absolutely refuse to look them up); some of the droids and aliens (ditto in-universe Star Wars term for “alien”) also speak English, but then some of the aliens and droids speak gibberish and beep-boop, respectively, but humans can understand them and they can understand humans; yet other times, English and gibberish/beep-boop speakers can’t understand each other, and C3PO or whoever needs to translate. Also, sometimes the gibberish gets subtitles and sometimes it doesn’t, but I think that’s a narrative choice that isn’t meant to represent anything in-universe.
Anyway, my point is that it’s kind of interesting to see Jared addressing his cat as “Mister Solo” and the cat responding in what might as well be alien gibberish that he appears/pretends to understand, which makes me think it would be fun to do an alternate dub of the Star Wars cross-language scenes where the aliens are speaking in English and humans like Han Solo are speaking in gibberish. Thinking about this has both expanded my mind about how communication works in real life vs. fiction, and a franchise that despite its missteps I still have a lot of affection for, and has distracted me from the actual content of this storyline, which is “My boyfriend put me in the hospital but the PA who tended to my injuries was so nice I got horny for him and am going to break up his relationship.”
Dustin, 6/21/22
Speaking of unpleasant horniness, there are a lot of Dustins where Dustin tries and fails to pick up women, but honestly they really just feel like he’s going through the motions — he’s doing it because he thinks he’s supposed to, not driven by any particular romantic or sexual desire. Sadly, our first real encounter with Dustin’s sexuality occurs today, and it takes the form of him talking to his father about how sure, ballet is for nerds, but at least you get to see a bunch of sexy gals in tight-fitting clothes, eh? Eh? You can sit there in your tuxedo with a boner, thinking about banging a ballerina? There are no good Dustin characters, is what I’m saying, and you can sympathize with Dustin for being the strip’s strawman terrible young person character while acknowledging that he is also terrible in every other capacity as well.
Curtis, 6/21/22
Speaking of unpleasant horniness, is June the official month for accidentally walking in on middle-aged dudes in the shower? Like, did a memo go out about it? Will this memo be used at a future civil trial for emotional distress, hopefully?
Beetle Bailey, 6/21/22
But …… it’s not a false alarm at all? Because he is not, in fact, wearing a hat? Perms don’t go “over” hats? That’s now how perms work????? Honestly, we make fun of the Camp Swampy soldiers for never actually being deployed into combat, but I feel like not knowing what “false alarm” means illustrates just what a liability in wartime they would be.
277 replies to “Mostly unpleasantly horny Tuesday”
Mary Worth: Jared’s microwave has more buttons than the bridge of the Starship Enterpr…wait, that’s not Star Wars. What’s the Star Wars one? Falcon something. Falcon 9? No, that’s sci-real. I got it now! Jared’s microwave has more buttons than the Maltese Falcon!
Mary Worth: Thank you thank you thank you Ms. Brigman. I don’t have to remember which franchise Jared follows thanks to the subtle clues in your artwork.
FW: The Old Grey Harry…he ain’t what he used to be…ain’t what he used to be…
MW: As if we needed more reminding that Jared is basically Dawn’s version of Estelle: the submissive party who lets their partner treat them like garbage because they’re browbeaten to do so with their cats the only ones who actually care for their wellbeing. Maybe Mister Solo will piss on Dawn’s seat…
Anyway, seems that opposite gender friends are only for Dawn to have and not Jared which is yet another sign of the unhealthy and imbalanced relationship between Jared and Dawn.
RMMD: Clayton doesn’t realize that for Rex, there’s no escape from his miserable hellhole of a patronizing harpy, a smug demon spawn, and his son whose face and hair keep changing…
Mary Worth: The only thing I can comfortably say about both Dawn and Jared at this point is that I’m completely OK with both of them ditching their terrible unhealthy relationship and diving right into new terrible unhealthy ones. I think they’re both in the right place for that emotionally, which is to say I think they both deserve it. Spread the terror and unhealth to new partners!
Curtis: We often snark at comics writers for breaking that oft-recited rule of storytelling, “show, don’t tell”. This time, however, I’m very grateful that Curtis took the easy way out of telling rather than showing Curtis’s dad in the nude.
So did Jared get the pizza that was left on the Street Sweeper’s floor? “Dick Tracy” has had lots of crossovers in recent years, but I’m not sure I’m ready for this one,
BB: That’s probably the ugliest hairdo we’ve seen so far in this comic. It’s almost ugly enough to make me forget that soldiers don’t get to choose whether to wear a cap or not, but have to follow the uniform regulations (another fact about military life that the writers of BB neither know nor care about learning).
RMMD: “Helping pathetic losers can be very rewarding.” Rex nervously fingers his shirt collar. “Present company excepted, heh, heh”
BB: One of the longer-running gags in the comic is that nobody has ever seen Beetle’s eyes.
Beetle Baily: Honestly, the appropriate phrase “I heard Beetle’s eyes are visible today!” just sounds creepy and repellent. And it makes the soldiers sound even less able to deal with warfare than the actual line. I’d rather they get excited about a missing hat than visible eyes.
MW, meta (Also “Little Guy Reads Star Wars Trivia So That Josh Doesn’t Have To”): In the Star Wars Universe, humans are…. “humans”. And English is “Galactic Standard”. And Jar-Jar Binks is still annoying.
GT: And when it comes to Ego, Lord God Coach Thorp is Kurt Russell in Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2..
Dustin: The term is ‘Married, Not Dead’, Puritanical Dude Dad.
Curtis: So, unoccupied bathrooms in the WIlkins household are open. Great protip.
DT, Tomorrow: “YE GODS! What a stench!” “No, that was Gertie’s meal. All you have to do is flush twice.”
B. Bailey: I believe this artwork is reused. The original joke was Beetle forgotting to take off his wig after the minstrel show.
Dustin: Kudos (I suppose) to today’s strip for managing to cram in no less than three stereotypes that should by all rights have been flogged to death long ago:
1. Culture is boring.
2. Men are forced by their wives to attend boring cultural events.
3. Mime is the worst form of culture.
MW: So…Jared keeps Mister Solo’s litter box on the kitchen counter? That handy can of air freshener spray might help with the odor, but I’m afraid our Star Wars aficionado is just asking for a bad case of toxoplasmosis.
MW – You want a friend in Washington – get a dog. You want a little pussy in Santa Royale – get a cat….
Dustin – Not even 2,000 mules could drag me to the ballet….
Curtis – The low-hanging fruit has given way to the groundlings….
BB – Cha-Cha-Cha Chia….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
9CL: This week we get to see Brooke’s obsession at the time when he wrote these strips. Luckily, he has his alien-demon hybrids to credibly talk about unidentified flying objects.
Luann: Bernice is touching herself in panel two, isn’t she?
RMMD: For a doctor, Rex is remarkably cautious when it comes to applying science to the world around him. He’s “not sure superheroes work”? Does that mean that he’s not sure whether people can fly or not? Or lift entire ocean liners out of the sea? Or look through walls with X-ray vision?
I suppose next he’ll say that he’s not sure if the sun will rise in the east, or that he’s not sure if he’ll fall to his death if he jumps out of a tenth-story window.
MW: Why must comic strip pizza always be pictured with pepperoni? It’s flat! No one’s going to think he’s eating a triangular slice of matzoh bread.
MW: In the advice of the iconic Mr. Solo, the best course is to take your shot first and worry about the odds never. And if things don’t work out, George Lucas will “fix” it in the re-releases.
GT: “To be honest, Mr. Thorp, when I called and said I wanted you to dress me down and tell me I’ve been a very naughty boy, this isn’t what I had in mind.”
MW: Y’know, I’ve heard that cats eventually eat their owners who have died. I don’t think Mr. Solo should wait.
Dustin: It looks like Star Wars mania has crept into Dustin as well. Look, in panel two, Dustin’s dad is doing his impersonation of Obi-Wan Kenobi hypnotizing that Stormtrooper. “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Also, ballet is bad. You do not enjoy ballet.”
Curtis: Personally, I think the best performance here is given by Curtis’ little brother, patiently waiting for the strip’s title character to end his little tirade.
Beetle: Can hair be any other color than matte black? The world may never know.
MW – Jared is eating pepperoni pizza. I can say that because outside of Charterstone, food is recognizable.
Every day I want to smack Karen Moy with this quote from C.S. Lewis about how not all relationships have to be romantic:
“Those who cannot conceive of Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend.”
That quote there points out the biggest flaw in Mary Worth (aside from the terrible writing and unnecessary drama): unless the parties happen to be related or there’s some sort of age difference that isn’t Charterstone Barbie and Ken’s Amish Uncle, nearly all opposite gender interactions have romantic undertones laced through them. It’s not only predictable but goes to show that Karen Moy has never interacted with anyone human before her time writing for this drivel.
Dustin: The ballet is tedious for DustinDad only because he’s there as a waiter, and a lot of the patrons get mad at him for blocking the view.
CS: This makes sense for Crankshaft because his earwax has a lot of hairs in it, so a ball of it unravels pretty easily.
FW: “Because if you’re over, uh, 40, you don’t use those things in our fucked up hell dimension.”
FC: Thel is really just angry because she has to be responsible and can’t drink to forget at the moment.
MW: Ohhhhh, Libbi is Mister Solo’s long-lost sister. Way to misdirect, Ms. Moy!
Dustin’s Mom is checking out the bulges tonight!
B. Bailey: Predictable but still appreciated, Beetle gets a fancy hairdo for Sarge’s birthday.
Curtis : it DOES look like Billingsley is trying to call out Batiuk. But if he wanted to call him out, he should find a way to point out Billingsley won one of the awards (the Reuben for Cartoonist of the Year, IIRC?) Batiuk is constantly whining about never getting.
******
Dick Tracy : Mr Memory doesn’t have any hypnotic gadget/mind control device in there, he just really needs to take a dump.
******
Dustin : So, when does 9 Chickweed Lane offer a rebuttal?
******
Funky Winkerbean : Oh, so this storyline is not “the happy wedding of two tertiary characters! Celebrate!”, it’s just “let’s demonise young people and their gizmos I don’t understand”. Got it.
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Six Chix : Bianca vicariously lives through old Simpsons episodes?… That reminds me, I haven’t watched/rewatched the Simpsons in DECADES, maybe I should go back to it…
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Zits : I see Pierce used his personal trillion-dollar fortune to get yoga classes from the world’s most accomplished Yogi (in terms of associating yoga with mayhem, destruction and violence), Dhalsim.
Perhaps your alternate Star Wars dub could shed some light on why the Wookiee language doesn’t appear to actually employ any of the consonants in Chewbacca’s name.
@Baja Gaijin: “Jared’s microwave has more buttons than the Maltese Falcon!”
The brilliance of this comment is that, had Star Wars been made 30 years earlier, Solo would almost certainly have been played by Humphrey Bogart.
And Leia by Katherine Hepburn.
And it would have been about using a small craft to destroy a major piece of bad guy weaponry.
And it would have been called “The African Queen.”
RMMD: Jail is going to be a significant upgrade in Sweepy’s living conditions.
GT: How did Gil not know about this long ago? He and Hamm married twin sisters! Gil got the one with the better eyesight.
JP: “Hi, I’m Reena. Apparently I’m having a bad dream.”
MW: Jared is asking advice from a cat about whether he should be faithful to Dawn. I’m not sure if a cat is the best authority on such matters, given their reputation for sexual promiscuity. Of course, it all depends on whether Mr. Solo is neutered or not; if he is, his advice will probably be to forget about both Dawn and Jess and go get some good catnip instead.
@28 richardf8: OK, Mister Smart Guy, since I was wrong about the ship’s name, what is it?
RMMD: A prison riot breaks out and to save both their skins Rex has to convince Clayton that he really is a superhero.
“But Doc, you said I was just an ordinary human.”
“Never mind what I said! Just hit that big guy with the oil mop!”
MW: Introducing — MR SOLO! Finally, after hundreds of auditions, we have us a winner! And he’s gettin’ dialogue already! The suits know that Animal Stars are what drive the ratings, so I think Mr. Solo is gonna get primo positioning in the narrative here. He’s already encouraging Jared to break up with Dawn!
Now I know some of you folks are thinking – “Sid, that Cat looks a lot like Libby from the back.” I want to assure you there was no nepotism involved here. Of course Libby, being the leader of the Charterstone Pets, did have some input. She is certainly an expert on Feline talent. But don’t think for a minute that Mr. Solo and
PrincessLibby will turn out to be brother and sister!! Or at least I don’t *think* they will…JP: I’m Reena, Sophie’s weird friend with no sense of privacy and a penchant for asking really personal questions. Pleased to meet you!
C: Curtis, you know who also got blind after seeing his parent naked? Oedipus! You’re in good company
MW: Here are two things you may not know: One. “Meow!” means “You should break up with Dawn,” not just in this conversation, but in every conversation between Jared and his cat for the last several months. Two. Dawn is also sitting at the table, out of frame.
love is... walking away backwards so she won’t pull a gun on you.
Mary Worth really is using “horribly abused woman has transference issues with the medical professional treating her” as a “meet cute”. This would be pretty repulsive if it were possible to take Mary Worth seriously.
@Hibbleton: Lefse?
MW: Actually, you don’t have to break up with Dawn. You could just follow her lead and lie. After all, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, can it?
Curtis: So apparently Curtis’ dad has believed for all these years that flooding the bathroom floor is a normal part of taking a shower.
CS: Oh no, the Investment Club’s single share of Acme Products is tanking!
Today’s Mary Worth is very interesting. The art is full of signifiers of sad sack single male: microwaved pizza as lonely dinner, Star Wars shirt, talking to a pet. But the text conveys the opposite meaning: this male is desired and fought over by two young female. Is this semiological contradiction a clever, post-modern subversion of expectations or just incompetence and lack of communication between writer and artist? You decide! No seriously, it’s postmodernism, you decide!
MW: I really hope that Karen Moy has been reading manga and Jared will end up with a harem
MW: Poor Moy. Ces would not have missed the opportunity to have Jared talking with a bonobo he rescued from the zoo.
@Charterstoned: That’s a dishrack not a litter box.
Camp Swampy Enlistment Questionnaire:
1) Are you male?
2) Do you have comically-styled, coal-black hair?
@Oversized Garden Ornament: Maybe Jared could up-/downgrade to being Dawn’s muse.
MARY WORTH: Jared: “I’m at a crossroads,
Libby in a dual roleMr. Solo. I’m into Jess because she likes Star Wars and is vulnerable while trying to leave a bad relationship. This is so different from my current girlfriend, who likes Star Wars and was vulnerable while trying to leave a bad relationship.”@Baja Gaijin: The USCSS Nostromo.
FW/MW: Jared will keep moving on to needier and needier women until finally he finds bliss with Dead Lisa Moore. And then he’ll write a book called “Princess Lisa’s Story. A Star Wars Adventure.”
FW: On a personal note, I have come to LOATHE wedding-reception DJs. Every one of them thinks the reception is all about them. The bridal party only serves as their prop. They believe that the guests have come to the reception for the sole purpose of listening to the DJ.
At any decent-sized wedding reception, there are maybe ten or twelve younger adults who hit the dance floor and stay there most of the night. This only feeds into the DJ’s self-absorption. The rest of us would just like to socialize a bit, but this is not possible because of the incessant goddamned noise.
At weddings, we typically reconnect with relatives and acquaintances who we don’t often see. But it is not possible to sit at a table and have a conversation because DJs never take a break. So we are forced to grab a drink and head out to a hallway somewhere where the din is diminished.
I despise wedding DJs with every fiber of my being.
MW: Glad that they’re broadcasting the fact that Jared is talking about Star Wars, ‘cuz ‘Mr Solo’ sounds more like an activity when you have no girls interested in you…
Dustin: Love that heavy-lidded expression in the second panel. In my head I imagine Dad delivering his line in the most belabored, sarcastic way possible.
Curtis: So, is Curtis just describing what happened in Crankshaft the other day? Did the writer come across the concept of ‘reaction videos’ and say, ‘Hey, that sounds easy…’
BB: This is actually re-used (and recolored) art from the notorious 1970s ‘blaxploitation’ era of this strip, when it was known as Bleetle Blaily.
@31 Baja Gaijin:
Millennium Falcon.
But I’ve got to admit, Maltese Falcon was funny.
@Powers: @Charterstoned: That’s a dishrack not a litter box.
I respectfully disagree. Looks to me like a large scooper stuck in a litter box right next to a sizeable clump that Jared was about to take care of before he got distracted by his pizza. Now, if you’d said, “That’s Jared’s dessert not a litter box,” I might have conceded your point, because most of the food drawn by Brigman is gray and amorphous, so theoretically the thing could be an open box of gray ice cream thawing on the countertop. But a dishrack? Jared doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who does dishes. He would imagine there was a C3PO to do that, or at least a Rosie.
Nah. I’m sticking with the litterbox concept.
@Inspector Gotcha: I was in a wedding in the 1980s where the DJ played every song for the bride’s parents’ generation except “one for the young people,” which was “Disco Duck.”
Dustin: Dustin’s Dad: “Heheheh, yeah those dudes have nothing to hide…wait, there are female ballerinas?”
Gil: Gregg Hamm’s Dadd: “I asked you here to consider adding another ‘L’ to your name.”
RMMD: Rex: “Have you considered being a local art critic/mentor? There is a recent vacancy…”
@taig: Isn’t that the submarine from 20,000 Leagues of Their Own?
@49 taig: Daaaamn, I was wayyy off.
@53 Sequitur: Wait a minute. taig says it was the USCSS Nostromo. I don’t know what to believe yet am not invested enough in the answer to Google it up myself.
@57 jroggs: I think I saw that movie. It was about a women’s farm league baseball team whose venue was aboard a submarine. Somehow Madonna was involved. No traffic cone brassieres were involved.
Dustin: Sadly, Dustin was forced to leave the ballet after repeatedly throwing dollar bills at the dancers.
Mary Worth: According to my Catonese to English dictionary, “Mee Meow? Meow!” translate roughly as “Do I look like I care, you dumb human? FEED ME!”
@jroggs: Indeed. Captained by Finding Nemo.
Schlockhorns: Better than pitching a tent, Leroy.
9CL – I mean, we all expected that his portrayal of these children would be a bit nauseating, but he’s really outdoing himself here.
The whole Identical Twins idea was a good sign of where this was going. They have rhyming names, and supposedly separate identities, but predictably Brooke has not made any effort to distinguish them from each other. One is Polly and the other is Lolly and they always dress identically and speak in the same voice and are basically one character divided into two halves.
Then there is the predictable issue that these twins are not portrayed in a way that is recognizable as the behavior of children who apparently oscillate between three and eight years old from panel to panel. Today, they are watching the British Royal Family on TV and making up acronyms for one of the hair styles. Then, a cutting edge reference to the RAF, which is an acronym exactly zero children born in America this century will understand. Does he think they are cute and precocious? Will he get tired of drawing two of them and just merge them into a single “twins” creature? And, as long as he’s being anachronistic, he’s done the WWII thing to death, how about some cockney slang and a quick trip to Flanders Field instead where there is a corner with a soiled handkerchief lying in it that is forever Brooke?
BB – In this episode of The Beetle Bunch, a talent agent signs Beetle to become a rock star named “Johnny Bravo.” Beetle lets his new fame get to his head, until he discovers that he was only signed because he “fit the suit.”
Mary Worth: “Talking to his cat while about to drop his microwaved pizza on his outdated nerd t-shirt” is admittedly the romantic hero Mary Worth has been waiting for.
Jarring to see Mary Worth invoking a franchise that began its journey toward world domination when I was 10 years old. I had assumed that Josh and the followers of this blog were a tiny minority among the strip’s fans, and that the vast majority were Boomers who still think of Star Wars as something for kids.
Dustin: Trust me, this is a lot funnier if you imagine that Dustin’s dad is actually a Bond-style villain and “ballet” is code for “torturing and attempting to murder the swaggering secret agent.”
No, wait. That’s not true at all.
Dust-up: I listened to a lecture once about Richard Wagner’s failed initial production of Tannhauser. Apparently at the time, all operas in France were expected to have a dance (ballet) sequence which came after the first intermission, so that the privileged sponsors of the theater could show up late but still see their mistresses (who made up the corps de ballet) perform. Wagner, of course, opened Tannhauser with a erotic scene in Venus’s Grotto (not making this up), well before the dignitaries had arrived, and because of this, the work was hissed off the stage. Wagner gave up trying to become a big shot in Paris and instead went back to Germany and eventually set up the shrine to his genius (his words) at Bayreuth, which became a cultural touchstone for German nationalism.
What I’m saying is, don’t underestimate the power of ballet! Let Dustin feel what’s natural!
So basically Josh is saying that Mr. Solo might as well be meowing “ba ba ba” and that Star Wars = Daddy Daze in space? Somewhat controversial…hope I translated from the Josh-ese correctly. Personally, I’m hoping Mr Solo is U.N.C.L.E’s first shapeshifter agent.
Mary Worth: Just match Dawn up with Jess’s abusive partner!
Boom! My work here is done—on to Judge Parker!
@Needless_Exposition: Unfortunately, this is not a problem unique to Mary Worth and June Moy. Internet fanfiction, for example, is rife with this kind of thinking, with the added bonus that it extends to relationships between people of the same sex.
MW – Kinda curious about that giant bottle of (squints) PN NMM on Jared’s counter. Does that go well with SPLAK?
Curtis: Count your blessings, kid; it could have been so much worse.
BB: We’ve had a glimpse before.
@Tonio:
“Jarring to see Mary Worth invoking a franchise that began its journey toward world domination when I was 10 years old. I had assumed that Josh and the followers of this blog were a tiny minority among the strip’s fans, and that the vast majority were Boomers who still think of Star Wars as something for kids.”
I think that this assumption may very well be spot on. The target demographic of MW consists of boomers who still think of Star Wars as something for young nerds, like Jared and Jess. Today, of course, SW fans tend to be either middle-aged (even boomers) and little kids.
@Inspector Gotcha: FW: On a personal note, I have come to LOATHE wedding-reception DJs. Every one of them thinks the reception is all about them. The bridal party only serves as their prop. They believe that the guests have come to the reception for the sole purpose of listening to the DJ.
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Right on, brother!
They now have DJs at sporting events, although it’s the Game Production people who emulate the wedding DJs that the Inspector so eloquently describes. They blast the graphics and noise because they think everyone has shown up for their antics.
@taig:
MW: “Maybe Jared could up-/downgrade to being Dawn’s muse”
I guess that would work perfectly for Dawn – she could be out dancing all night and bang her professors and still have Jared to count on for emotional support, but I have some difficulty seeing Jared as Bernice. He’s far too sensible for that.
Blondie: I really like how Dagwood shined those crocs till gleaming. You can take the man out of the tuxedo…
@69 Uncle Lumpy: Oh, please, so obvious even Helen Keller saw that coming a mile away.
@72 Pluggers say the darnedest things: You’re right, it could have been Funky Winkerbean’s sagging pasty ass in the shower. I mean, with Curtis’ father.
@2+2=7:
MW: “This is so different from my current girlfriend, who likes Star Wars and was vulnerable while trying to leave a bad relationship.”
Is Dawn really a Star Wars fan, or is she just pretending to be one to humour Jared? Or does she just like it (as in enjoying to watch the movies) without being the kind of obsessive fan we all imagine Jared to be?
I honestly don’t remember what kind of Star Wars-related interactions we’ve seen between Jared and Dawn lately, but if I may generalize from their dialogue at the zoo, it’s mostly Dawn listening politely while Jared mansplains the details of Sith space ships or obsesses about Leia going braless in that white dress.
@Baja Gaijin:
“You’re right, it could have been Funky Winkerbean’s sagging pasty ass in the shower. I mean, with Curtis’ father.”
Either of them alone would have been bad enough. The two of them sharing a shower wouldn’t have been twice as bad, it would have been infinitely worse. Just imagining the scene makes me reach for the brain bleach.
Rex Morgan M.D.: Prison outfits by Whataburger.
@astroboy: re MW: If Charterstone is right about the litterbox on the counter, that must be a giant container of air freshener next to it.
MW: For a minute I read the microwave (?) as a building. It gave me the unpleasant flashback to Apt 3G when the characters moved from interior to exterior locations without reason or explanation
Let’s do it. All showers, all the time. Dustin’s Dad is up next. Professor Ian Cameron on deck. Alan Parker in the hole. Ted Forth eagerly awaiting his turn, which never actually comes.
Today was the day that, knowing how hair works, I learned the horrifying fact that Beetle Baily doesn’t have a forehead. His nose touches his scalp and if he even has eyes at all they are forever under his hair. Does he have hair on his eyeballs?!!?
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My favourite thing about language in Star Wars is that there is no reason droids (that are robots that George Lucas just gave a fancy name to) couldn’t have been programmed to speak English or Alderaanian or whatever Ackbar’s native language is, but they instead were made to communicate in beeps and whistles that organic life forms then had to go and learn to understand or get a protocol droid to translate for them.
Curtis – Dude, wait until you get to bathe one of your parents. You get used to the idea that “parts is parts” real fast.
Honestly, you never get used to it.
@Tabby Lavalamp: “My favourite thing about language in Star Wars is that there is no reason droids (that are robots that George Lucas just gave a fancy name to) couldn’t have been programmed to speak English or Alderaanian or whatever Ackbar’s native language is, but they instead were made to communicate in beeps and whistles that organic life forms then had to go and learn to understand or get a protocol droid to translate for them.”
Funny, just the other day I was reading something where a robot expert who was also a Star Wars fan cheerfully pointed out that it made no sense that the R2-D2 could understand human speech perfectly but couldn’t reproduce it. She mentioned how Siri, available now, in this Galaxy, talks fine, but screws up understanding context all the time.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: Now, now, Leia is far too intimidating for someone like Jared to focus on as an object of lust. He could either use a pretty ornament whose only contribution is reproducing (Padme) or the constant ass pulling and reaching for a stagnant character (Rey).
CS – “Hey, we’re trying to eat here!”
MW – “I want to see more of Jess, but I couldn’t think of a good excuse to get her to strip for an examination. Why don’t they teach that kind of thing in medical school?”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Right on, brother! They now have DJs at sporting events, although it’s the Game Production people who emulate the wedding DJs that the Inspector so eloquently describes. They blast the graphics and noise because they think everyone has shown up for their antics.
Exactly! There’s not a single person alive who shows up at an NBA game for the purpose of having his eardrums assaulted nonstop for three hours. How is it possible that any front office thinks fans enjoy this shit? I cannot go to Cavs games anymore.
And while we’re on the subject of sports, I also detest most “color men” on football telecasts. They leave no nanosecond unbabbled.
You can almost hear them hyperventilating while they impatiently wait for the play-by-play man to finish describing the play. The instant he does, the color man invariably launches into a breathless restatement of the obvious, supplemented by slobbering praise for what was just a GREAT GREAT play by a GREAT GREAT player!!! The Big Ten Network is the worst.
A moment of silence PLEASE!!!
@nescio: Male dancers wear dance belts, shant be a bulge in sight.
@Tom: Oh, for sure. It’s like everyone wants to rip off each other’s clothes and roll around on the nearest flat surface rather than hang out at the arcade or get an overpriced coffee or laugh at stupid movies in the theater. And yet at the same time we have Neo-Puritans who think that anyone with “impure thoughts” should have rocks thrown at them and be endlessly shamed for their thoughts. We’re in a lose-lose situation in terms of writing: everyone should either have lots of sex or they should all be massive prudes.
Tomorrow: Mister Solo’s noble attempt to communicate with Jared using a sci-fi metaphor he should appreciate, the time-honored Captain Pike “meow once for yes, meow twice for no” protocol, gets him tragically thrown out on the street for making a Star Trek reference instead of a Star Wars one.
@Tabby Lavalamp:
“My favourite thing about language in Star Wars is that there is no reason droids (that are robots that George Lucas just gave a fancy name to) couldn’t have been programmed to speak English or Alderaanian or whatever Ackbar’s native language is, but they instead were made to communicate in beeps and whistles that organic life forms then had to go and learn to understand or get a protocol droid to translate for them.”
At least they are not communicating in raw binary code, as some comic-book robots tend to do – you know the thing, a speech bubble filled with just ones and zeroes.
Curtis/FW link: OK, I can get with “naked middle aged man” in the “Curtis” context. Greg would be in his 40s with the two kids, maaaaaaaybe early 50/ depending on how old the Wilkinses were when they started making babies.
But Josh: Funky is middle-aged? No: he’s OLD. And so is his shapeless wife. They are OLD people with old people problems. Middle aged folks are just beginning down that road (the annual colonoscopy, for example). Funky and friends are waaaaaay past middle aged, and the good middle aged people of America—many of who still have hair, limbs, cancer-free bodies, and who successfully straddle the 20th and 21st centuries—should not be lumped in with whatever generation the cast of FW comes from.
Pluggers: I call shenanigans. He should be scratching with his hind leg.
I believe that I have seen evidence of Dustin’s dad watching televised golf. If my memory is accurate, he has lost all right to complain that anything is boring for the rest of time, much less to complain about gorgeous musical dance that explores the limits of what the human body is capable of. Go watch your sport that has a vehicle to make sure you don’t break a sweat and a professional who follows you around to make sure you don’t have to think either as you swat a tiny ball around. Scintillating stuff.
Sadly, the men at Camp Swampy were so inured to bad haircuts that no one noticed that Beetle’s perm throbbed slowly to the beating of an alien heart. The Permian symbiotes slowly conquered the Camp, and then the Pentagon, and then the world, leaving humanity in Permanent subjugation.
Dustbin – Dustin Dad is right; instead of mime, they should do the ballet for real. Swan Lake with an actual lake. It’s like water polo, where the big draw is seeing how long the horses can tread water, only with ballerinas.
Luann: “I don’t want a romantic distraction in my life right now.” —Bernice
“Not sure where Evans is going with this. Perhaps a series of strips on the dangers of chronic self-gratification.
Mary Worth: Turn right at Meow. Turn left at Meow. Turn Meow at Meow.
@jerp+jump: I saw Swan Lake in the Kennedy Center probably like 6 or so years ago with my beloved. Her boss at the time had tickets but couldn’t use them so he offered them to us. It was a fancy to-do, and the dancers were marvelous, and the seats were awesome. I was excited to go.
@Needless_Exposition:
MW: ” Now, now, Leia is far too intimidating for someone like Jared to focus on as an object of lust. He could either use a pretty ornament whose only contribution is reproducing (Padme) or the constant ass pulling and reaching for a stagnant character (Rey).”
I have the feeling that in the Worthiverse only the three original movies exist, which would Jared with no other female character than Leia to lust for.
@brendancalling: Oddly, though, although Funky et al are consistently portrayed as being ancient, a few weeks ago the strip went out of its way to show that their high school yearbook was from 1992, so actually they should only be about the same age that Greg appears to be.
Curtis: Be thankful it was just his back, Curtis; I’m pretty sure the gal in Funky Winkerbean got full frontal.
Dustin: I hate most tired sitcom-marriage tropes, but “wife forces husband to go to ballet/opera/boring non-sports thing” infuriates me on a special level. You’re not joined at the hip; let him zone out on the couch watching UFC while you enjoy the show with a friend, or just go yourself. Show tickets are far to dear to waste on someone who will be bitching through the whole thing.
MW: Former Jeopardy! champ Arthur Chu has postulated that Han Solo was actually Chewbacca’s pet, as Wookies have a much longer life span and also Chewie seems to be the more rational and well-adjusted of the pair. I’m not saying that Mister Solo is actually a two hundred year old alien who hangs out with Jared and tries to keep him from the worst of his stupidity out of some strange cultural obligation….but, y’know, I’m not NOT saying it.
B. Bailey: Syndicate; “But if you cut out the center panel where Plato says; “Now we can see his eyes!” it doesn’t make any sense.”
Walker-Brown Inc; “But all the strips are going to two panels. It saves work….(lowers voice) and just between us, no one cares.”
@Needless_Exposition: How little you know our Jared! When he’s not at work (or the zoo) he’s feverishly working on his first novel ‘The Erotic Intergalactic Adventures of Sy Snootles’. He’s going to be the next EL James.
MW: On closer inspection, I think that isn’t a can of air freshener on Jared’s counter. It looks like the first part of the label reads “FU.” That could be FUN WHIP DESSERT TOPPING, if indeed the thing right next to it ISN’T a litter box with a large scoop and an enormous clump, but an open carton of gray ice cream. Or, the can could be full of some kind of FUMIGATOR so Jared can take care of the flea infestation brought in by Mister Solo–although I think that’s less likely because I’m pretty sure that Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars! doesn’t allow his clients to carry. Or, it could be Brigman’s subtle way of answering all the snark on CC, and the label actually reads “FU” because she means it. In which case I still think it’s a litter box, because a guy like Jared who lets his cat’s butt rub all over his table while he’s eating isn’t going to cavil at keeping the cat’s litter box on the food preparation surface.
@astroboy: Right show, wrong Brady.
@85 Tabby Lavalamp: Maybe this is my sci-fi niaivety showing, but having the robots beep and boop only to need another to translate to English is the capitalist system at its finest: the customer spends more money to work around design flaws instead of the manufacturer spending money to fix them.
@108 Pluggers say the darnedest things: Wasn’t Sy Snootles the pampered pooch in Judge Parker? He’d have been in the “Sinkhole” storyline and possibly in the prior story too.
Judge Parker:
I feel summer creepin’ in
I’m tired of this town again.
RMMD: I can remember having simular conversations with my special needs students.
MW: As far as we know, Dawn is still flailing around on a dance floor somewhere, so that should simplify Jared’s dilemma. The fact that he now seems to be a cute teen-age girl may complicate it.
Oh, no , “similar.” I have dilated pupils.@MKay:
Oh, no, “similar.” My pupils are dilated.
@TheDiva:
Amen.
9CL: Nothing normal, non-alien twins love more than British royal gossip!
C’shaft: Crankshaft and his friends got caught up in the crypto crash and I’m living for it.
FW: Our wedding reception DJ was an iPod playlist and some portable speakers. Our wedding reception was also fifteen years ago, so of course Batiuk is just now catching up.
JP: “I didn’t think there were any coloreds in this neighborhood. Sophie, is this the new housekeeper?”
Phantom: “Welp, colonialism had a good six hundred year run, but I guess all good things must come to an end.”
Pluggers don’t feel lust, or anything beyond minor annoyance anymore.
RMMD: “Or you could just stand to the side doing nothing and expect everything to resolve on its own. Worked out for me so far.”
Luann: If this is a story about how a woman develops a deep friendship with a gay man which started as a crush, then it’s actually moving along rather well —which is why, as history teaches us, it will be dropped without cause or explanation in short order.
MW. Don’t be thinking you’re some sort of playa, Jared. We all know “Mr. Solo” is also what you call your right hand.
@Inspector Gotcha: At least I can use the mute button watching games on TV – with the graphic with the score and all, I don’t need the announcers. And the whole plethora load of good-hair sideline reporters are worthless, too.
At the games, though, it would be nice to be able to focus on the event and not be bombarded by a bunch of pindicks with ego issues who have to constantly remind us of their presence.
@Charterstoned: Gold spray paint, and suddenly a lot makes sense.
Downtown Santa Royale was inhospitable, full of smog and shadows and sniffing dogs looking to despoil. Yet some palm tree had to monitor human activity even in this concrete jungle, so it sat there, listening to the human speak to the feline and the feline speak to the human. It wondered, even as its trunk was moistened by a passing corgi, why humans let these things into their homes. Or why humans had homes. It cleared its head of these thoughts and kept listening. This human was mating with another human but wanted to mate with a different one. So complicated. Just release some pollen and nuts and move on. It wondered again what it had done wrong to end up here, growing amidst concrete, and not in some soft sand with a sea breeze. Maybe it thought about things too much. Like the human in the window.
Josh: “Speaking of unpleasant horniness, is June the official month for accidentally walking in on middle-aged dudes in the shower? Like, did a memo go out about it?”
Please don’t speak this into existence. Last thing we need is the Mary Worth creative team checking their Spam folder and realizing the current storyline is Wilbur adjacent.
JP: “Who’s your weird friend?”
FC: Thel’s angry because they spilled the good wine. (They’re supposed to be drunk, right?)
@Inspector Gotcha: It’s kinda funny, but Dustin‘s dad totally seems like the type that would enjoy it if MORE DJs were added to spice up events…like the ballet perhaps…..
Rip Kirby – How does Rip have the authority to arrest someone in a foreign country?
It actually doesn’t matter, because Rip will quickly catch on that Ming is planning to kill him, and Ming won’t make it out alive.
Vintage JP – Abbey is caring and concerned about the little boy. What happened to these people? If they were like this now, the current strip wouldn’t be one of my hate reads.
The comments include the web address for the next day’s Sunday strip. The last panel of the Sunday strip reminds me of a dirty joke.
FC – She should be thankful that they’re obviously drinking out of plastic glasses. They would clink glass tumbles together so hard that they would break. Moron Dolly would start to eat the broken glass before Thel could get to the table to clean it up.
9CL – These twins are not cute. They do not talk with sophisticated wit. They are not charming. They are abominations. They need to disappear.
DtM: Martha assures the elder-abuse tip line that George is fine.
“Yes he’s a monster but he’s only six, dear. Call back in a few years.”
@I speak Jive:
”These twins are not cute. They do not talk with sophisticated wit. They are not charming. They are abominations. They need to disappear.”
Every single 9CL character needs to disappear.
MW: It’s going to be hard for Jared to date two women simultaneously since he’s morphed to an age where he can no longer buy alcohol.
Pluggers: A plugger’s seven year itch are Lyme’s disease-bearing ticks.
FC: Careful, Thel. You almost coldcocked PJ with your right tit.
FC: The boys deliberately spilled the juice so they could get a look down their mom’s top as she bent over.
Archie-Nope. Sorry. But there are times when Veronica has to use a finger or two because Archie can’t.
RMMD-“How many hours of community service did the judge give you?”
RMMD-In prison he is going to do a lot of volunteering.
MW-In this world the only way you can talk to women is to be in a relationship with their. There is no platonic friendship.
JP-Sick of the writer.
JP-“I’m this comics version of Faye.”
FC-But they’re just toasting the deaths of their enemies.
FW-“Back in my days gags used to be round.”
Spiderman-Spider-Man with the Kung Fu Grip.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: You would think so but Jess ends up quoting something from the sequel trilogy (one that is falsely attributed to Leia) so they exist there too.
@Pluggers say the darnedest things: Now, now, I never said that Jared was incapable of having lustful feelings for Leia but he’s just aiming a bit too high on the ladder with his current self esteem.
REX MORGAN M.D.: The Street Sweeper: (thinking) “Sigh! This conjugal visit is not going as planned….”
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): I guess Rex getting involved reminded the cops that could finally put those outstanding warrants into play and book him for medical malpractice.
(Ok, you come up with a reason why they’d let a civilian just wander around a person’s cell unsupervised for a pep talk instead of in a room divided by plexiglass.)
@TheDiva: (on 9CL)They’re like the Coneheads, but they tell people they are from Great Britain instead of France. Everyone assumes they are royalty from a very inbred lineage, so they don’t have to worry about blowing their cover.
Funky Winkerbean: Batiuk wants to write Pluggers so badly #3256
@The Rambling Otter: George Orwell mentioned a Punch cartoon where the entire “joke” was that some working class men had bought a car. Tom Batiuk probably thinks that’s the greatest cartoon of all time.
@I speak Jive: If Rip Kirby is American, that’s enough authority.
@I speak Jive: Isn’t Rip Kirby supposed to be a private eye? Those guys have no authority to arrest anyone anywhere.
@Needless_Exposition: Would that make Jared “the Estelle of Dawns” or “the Dawn of Estelles”? I get a little bit confused with internet constructions. I hope that doesn’t make me a Plugger.
Authority? Don’t need no stinkin’ authority!
@taig: The Van Hoesen twins remind me of Cora and Clarice, Titus Groan’s twin aunts in the Gormenghast novels. Those two were a few steps short of a foxtrot.
Dustin: I didn’t realize DustinDad towered over Dustin.
@Sequitur: The worst thing about being sent to Fast Food Jail is you can’t get fries with that.
9CL – Backgrounds aren’t really his thing, but today the twins are sitting side by side on the floor a few inches away from a flat screen TV also sitting on the floor in an otherwise empty void. Is there no furniture? Do they have no remote nor cable connection, thus forcing them to sit there and watch footage of the British Royal Family? Are the parents up in New Hampshire playing grabass in the lake again? Has Brooke forgotten that his characters are American and not British, and that an American born after 1947 or so would not have “the RAF” as a point of reference for current events?
I saw a Facebook reference to a recent Sunday strip featuring the twins that called them “a breath of fresh air”, “adorable”, and “proving wrong everyone who thought they would ruin the dynamic of the strip”, however, so maybe I’m just jaded and the twins are the most adorably precocious thing since Amos.
@Ukulele Ike: I never could tell these characters apart, but with the new artist, they can’t even recognize each other. Everyone should be issued name tags ASAP.
BB: Back in the 1970s, MAD Magazine ran a Beetle Bailey parody where the officers grabbed Beetle and ripped off his cap.
Final panel: Beetle had written on his forehead “Get Out of Vietnam”.
@Baja Gaijin: The German gunboat that Humphrey and Katherine destroyed was called the Königin Luise in C.S. Forester’s novel.
// Glad to help!
Curtis: Years ago when I was a kid, it was something of a rite of passage when a dad took his son to a place like a public pool where there was a communal shower. I remember one dad explaining that you had to do that so your kid wouldn’t wind up gay (my word). Anyway, for a man from Curtis’ dad’s era, the words; “Oh, grow up.” should be coming out of his mouth any second now.
@122 Philip: Naked Wilbur Butt–EEEEE!!!! [QLUNQ!]
@126 I speak Jive: on Family Circus: I agree with your comment except for one point: Jeffy, not Dolly, would be scarfing the broken glass as if it were candy.
@147 Scudder: Thanks, I think.
@Little Guy: To be fair, that is not canonical — it’s Mad Magazine!
BB…If you look his face long enough it appears as if he has extremely small eyes and nose with some sort of growth on the right side of his head.
Jared is such a nerd that he doesn’t even know that you don’t break up with the first girl until after you’ve scored with the new one.
(Okay, I know I said this was repulsive. I also said I couldn’t take it seriously.)
“What should I do, Mr. Solo?”
“Well, Jared, dating a patient who is vulnerable because of physical and mental violence inflicted on her and your position as a minor authority figure charged with her care would be deeply problematic and unethical. It could also place her and yourself in mortal danger from her abuser.”
“You know what? You’re right. I AM gonna call her and ask her out!”
(Sigh) “I’m going to kill you in your sleep the moment I can open a can of tuna by myself.”
“I love you too, Mr. Solo!”
DUSTIN: Dustin would be joining them for an evening of ballet, but he was permanently banned from the theater after trying to “make it rain” at the ballerinas’ feet.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: I keep thinking Luann TruFans are the pinnacle of maladjustment, but they really don’t have anything on Brooke TruFans.
@Ukulele Ike: Citizen’s arrest? Although he isn’t a citizen of whatever Asian country that is.
@Baja Gaijin: Re FC – Why not both? I can imagine both Dolly and Jeffy cramming broken glass in their mouths and fighting over the loose shards.
Okay, humans are humans and aliens as a whole are just that, but they speak Basic. Most well-versed humans can speak Huttese because it’s a common trade language. Technicians understand droid binary. Han specifically learned Shyriiwook to talk to Chewie.
MW: YAY! There’s a blue milk glass from Episode 4: A New Hope.
Don’t ask me how I know.
Baby Blues: Hooray for Desert Con: “Thousands of middle-aged Stormtroopers. Hundreds of chunky Spidermen!” Mrs. Blue knows what she likes.
// I’ve always favored the dozens of plumpish Princess Leias, their ample but firm buttocks bouncing jauntily through the convention center.
Curtis: Apologies to Anonymous for the slight oversnark in advance. I know it’s not super feasible since it’s only been a few days, but it’s looking more and more like Billingsley actually IS taking the p out of Batuik. We can only hope.
BB: First I was shocked that Beetle isn’t blond. Then I wondered why I ever thought he was blond in the first place, aside from Lois being his sister. Now I feel like I’m experiencing the Mandela effect somehow.
@Scudder Advances!:
Not to mention the fat, middle-aged men dressed up as Leia. Or, even worse, Sailor Moon.
@Scudder Advances!: And let us not forget the lithesome neon-colored anthropomorphic animals.
@Occam: Hey, dude, I wanted to confess that I borrowed your razor this morning. I should explain that I assumed a straight razor like the one you use would be more effective than a disposable one, but then I decided to analyze the relative sharpness and comfort factors and developed a metric to divine which is the most effective means of shaving, and was working out the weightings for the various factors when I suddenly decided “screw it! I’ll just use Occam’s razor! That usually is the simplest solution anyways!”
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
“…an American born after 1947 or so would not have “the RAF” as a point of reference for current events”
I don’t see any RAF reference in the strip. The UFOPAAHH stands for Unidentified Flying Object Perched Angularly Atop Her Head because, you know, that’s how two-year olds always talk. Kids do say the darnest things..
“Sigh… Mister Solo, I feel as lousy as Sebulba when he lost the Boonta Eve Classic on Tatooine. And even if Anakin is freed by Qui-Gon’s wager, he’ll only go on to kill the younglings and succumb to the dar–”
“Meow?”
“Anakin is my commitment to Dawn, how are you not following this?! Fine I’ll put the DVD on, pay attention this time!!”
@Unca $crooge: Creepy twin #2 responds to the “UFOPAAHH” reference by saying “Probably had the RAF scrambling”. You were probably too busy working out the “UFOPAAHH” to process it.
Dustin: “I only have eyes for your mother. That’s why I attend the alleged entertainment she enjoys, and spend the entire time sniping to ensure she’s having as unpleasant a time as I am. In retaliation, she insists I attend the next one. When you’re older, you’ll understand that this is how love works.”
FW: This Damned Kid Today at least knows what a mixing board is, which puts him a step above Rocky on Batty’s Damned Kids Today board.
GT: “Don’t know why you’re involving me…” Gosh yes, Gil, that’s a mystery all right. Do you think maybe has something to do with the fact you phoned his wife, I would guess earlier the same evening, and specifically asked about the exact thing Mason Hamsterball wants to discuss?
S4th: This isn’t funny, but I hope Ces thinks it is, because I can deal with that better than the possibility of a Very Special Episode about Alice’s short-term memory issues.
@Horace Broon: FW: This Damned Kid Today at least knows what a mixing board is, which puts him a step above Rocky on Batty’s Damned Kids Today board.
Oops,I misremembered Sunday’s Crankshaft as being Funky Winkerbean. Replace Rocky with Hannah in the above comment.
@Rube:
Yikes! You are right on that one. When I first read it,I just said “what, is there a joke here somewhere?”. I went back and reread the first panel and totally missed the punchline. My apologies, Calvin.
Mary Worth – Yes call that 555 number Jared.
Anything to get this boring storyline over with,
Dawn is already having a menage a trois with her equally slutty girlfriend so why shouldnt
you jump into bed with a woman who just got
abused yet wants more of the same.
Blondie -Somebody needs to wipe that smart ass look on Dagwoods face off with a baseba bat . seriously ,if dithers isnt going to fire him
ever might as well beat the shit out of him
and burn those 1960s beach comber clothes.
Mary Worth: With regard to today’s comics snark from Josh, Han Solo did speak gibberish. Does he not remember Han specifying “the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs”?
(Yes, yes, Star Wars nerds will tie themselves in knots explaining that a ‘Run’ is not necessarily measured in units of time, but that defense turns into sci-fi gibberish itself – just as Star Trek has its technobabble.)
Dustbin – “I only have eyes for your mom. The rest of time I just have two black dots, same as you.”
Dustbin – “I only have eyes for your mom. If Beetle Bailey needs a pair, he’ll have to find his own.”
@Unca $crooge: 9CL – I missed the punchline too. Apparently, it is an acronym. Because “UFOPAAHH” could also be a phonetic rendering of “UFO Faux Pas”, which would be a better punchline, in the sense that dying of starvation is better than dying of heat exposure aka not any kind of sense that makes sense.
@Inspector Gotcha:
And the ‘music’ they play on the pop-music radio stations these days? It’s just noise!
@DAS: Phrasing is weird when you’re running off of less than four hours of sleep after going through stresses and Shark Week but essentially, Jared is to Dawn what Estelle is to Wilbur: a submissive emotional punching bag to belittle and disrespect with an emotional support cat to look after them better than their own partner.
Pluggers: Even pluggers’ hair is fat.
Curtis – Curtis’s brother breathes a sigh of relief when the dramatic build-up “Dad was taking a… a… gulp, sh–” ends with “shower.”
BB: Is it possible to perm a crewcut? Wouldn’t it be just short bristle?
MW: The cat is telling him to stalk and kill both of them and then play with the bodies until you’re bored. This is why you never ask a cat for relationship advice.
@taig: but they really don’t have anything on Brooke TruFans.
Have you had the misfortune of dealing with Mark Mitchell on the 9CL Facebook page? As I’ve already said before, he’s the Kellyanne Conway to Brooke’s Donald Trump.
Happy Summer Solstice, everyone! The all-inclusive holiday for both man and beast! Fortunately I got back to Lost Forest in time for the celebrations. Let’s par-tay!!
Yeah, I totally gave up on saving the Mark Trail franchise. If only they had cast me as the Seaside Specter, I could have single-hoofedly brought that comic back to glory. But Nooooooo, they got sidetracked, as usual. This time by some crypto and cricket bros. Who knows what the heck that’s about. And the forest fires were getting awfully close there in Oregon, so I vamoosed. (va-elked? snort,snort)
I thought about trying to get a gig with LL Bean as a Wildlife model, but Sid never sent me bus fare to Maine… and I found out they’re not so much into Large Woodland Animals anymore. Now they just focus on two-leggers and photogenic dogs who wear branded sweaters.
Anyhoo, I made it back to Lost Forest under my own power (and boy are my hooves sore) … occasionally hitching rides on trucks where they forgot to lock the rear doors. It was quite an adventure! I’m going to pitch the idea to Sid to see if we can create a documentary or maybe a series about my trek that we could sell to an ACTUAL nature platform, if we can find one… It’s too bad Woods and Wildlife mag went under… too bad about a lot of things….
I think the idea is that aliens in Star Wars don’t have the right vocal cords or larynx or whatever to pronounce English, so knowing multiple languages is a necessity, as is being able to listen in one language and talk in another. Why R2-D2 can’t speak English when Texas Instruments has been producing a voice synthesizer since before Empire Strikes Back came out is another, more baffling question.
Love Is-No matter how many times she tries to get rid of him. https://www.artfulaspreycartoons.co.uk/love-is-color-21-june-2022/
@Oversized Garden Ornament: I’m a Boomer who recognizes that there is a huge audience now for comic-book/sci-fi fantasy characters, that the audience includes people of all ages, that the movie industry will continue to move in that direction partly because the audience is global, that I’m happy for all the people who find joy in Spiderman or SpiderMan or Spider Man or however it’s written these days (I have no idea if the comic strip version is even still going, it never seems to get mentioned on CC anymore), and that I’m fortunate my kind of drama is so easily available on PBS. I love you, SEASIDE HOTEL. *waves cane happily*
Curtis-Truly amazing that they have these silent showers.
@Formerly Wounded Elk: Happy Solstice to you! Thanks for checking in! Glad you made it home!
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be without a gig when you have demonstrated that you have so much talent to offer. I hope something will turn up soon. Meanwhile, you can rest up and take care of your “instrument,” as you actors say, and practice your good moves and be ready when opportunity presents itself.
Maybe PBS? There are the various kinds of nature specials, and also the kids’ programming that is desperately trying to pry the wee ones away from screens and show them that the outdoors is worth a visit. And cable may have opportunities I don’t know about, being cableless. Anyway, good luck, and it’s great to hear from you! Enjoy your very long day!
Curtis-“Doesn’t Dad know that we can’t afford to pay a water bill.”
Curtis-What’s even worse is that it was the bathroom of some other woman.
I appreciate how Dustin is reversing the normal status quo in one significant way. Here we see the annoying young person speaking up for classy old media (even if it’s in a way that is decidedly not classy), and the middle-aged adult writing it off out of had as if it couldn’t possibly have any actual value, instead of the other way around.
MW: I see that Jared is having one of his pretty days. It must be so interesting to wake up and head for the bathroom mirror every morning and never know what is going to look back.
And I have been staring at Mister Solo, trying to figure out what color he is and why I can see so much of his face at that angle. I’m wondering if one of his great-great-grandparents had a torrid affair with a fox. I really like you and your meowing, Mister Solo, and wish you well. But advising this human is going to be tough. Even recognizing him every day could be tough. Good luck.
@Formerly Wounded Elk: FW! You’re OK! We’ve been worried sick about you!
You say you never got that money I sent you? I wired it through the Ursine Union Pay app. Thought it looked legit, though I did wonder why their logo was a Bear smokin’ a cigarette…
So.. we need to talk about this “incredible journey” you had back to Lost Forest! As soon as you
sober uprest up from the Solstice celebrations, give me a call and we’ll do lunch. Did you happen to encounter any Dogs and Cats on your adventure? If not, maybe we can add some….Blondie-Dithers is going to beat Dagwood like a drum.
@Bryan: I left Facebook before I started following 9CL, so I never had the “pleasure” of seeing Mr. Mitchell’s work directly. However, you and others have commented enough to paint a lovely picture.
CURTIS: This strip reminds me that last night, for the first time ever, my PBS affiliate showed me several actual male rear ends, with cracks, without blurring them. It was just a brief locker room scene in a British mystery, and the show was airing around midnight, but I was still astounded. Is Iowa really ready for this? Trouble…trouble…trouble…trouble…
@193 Liam:
Oh, I don’t know. I think Dithers looks like he’s about to give up.
@185 Poteet: Now that you are a paying subscriber to Comics Kingdom, you can read The Amazing Spider-Man strip daily. However, it’s been in re-runs since March 2019, and apparently that will continue to be the case until CK finally decides just to drop it altogether.
@seismic-2: Yeah, I believe it was originally announced that it was going on hiatus and was going to be re-booted, but after three years it seems obvious that it’s dead. I wouldn’t be surprised if no one in the business is prepared to do it for the money on offer.
@Poteet:
I’m glad to hear that! But I have this suspicion that you’re not a typical MW reader.
Oh Jared, why not date both of them at once? If Archie taught me anything, having two girlfriends at once is a wacky, whimsical experience that’ll warm the hearts of readers everywhere.
@Amonymous: Han was supposed to be lying to the backwater hicks there. Watch Obi-Wan’s face after that line. It just got retconned later.
@Peanut GalleryThat’s when Jared decided to go back to school for an M.D. ”As a doctor, I’ll be able to do full body exams on attractive female patients all day long”. Little did he know that long before they graduate, doctors get only too usef to nudity and adopt a much more clinical attitude to it.
@seismic-2: @Rube: Thank you! So the amazing part of The Amazing Spider-Man at this point is that the reruns are still appearing. I appreciate that info. Maybe I’ll check in for a little nostalgia.
@Poteet: Oh, thank you, Ms.Poteet.. I always appreciate your words of encouragement! And I’m definitely taking care of my “instrument” – the Rut will be here before we know it … wait, maybe that’s not what you meant.
I will be looking into opportunities for classy programming like PBS. And I’m perfectly comfortable with appearing au natural. Though I worry about getting involved with *some* of those cable channels – I’m afraid they may cater to the lowest common denominator
Hope you’re enjoying your Solstice, too. Here comes another tray of mojitos! Have one as my treat!
@pugfuggly:
”BB: This is actually re-used (and recolored) art from the notorious 1970s ‘blaxploitation’ era of this strip, when it was known as Bleetle Blaily.”
With Pam Grier playing the part of the General’s administrative assistant, regrettably replaced by Pvt. Blip after the syndicate received complaints from Thel Keane and Blondie Bumstead that she was steaking their audience.
@richardf8: Thanks a bunch. Now the image of Katherine Hepburn wearing those hairbuns and a white robe will not leave my brain.
And Katherine isn’t happy either. You should see her expression.
@Needless_Exposition:
In real life, I’d have said that what Jess needs right now is a friend, not a new lover, and that the way she’s hitting on Jared despite her situation seems a bit unhealthy. But this is a soap strip…
The irony is that dramatically, the story might work just as well if Jared and Jess had an entirely platonic relationship, but Dawn still got jealous.
@Dennis Jimenez:
”Dustin – Not even 2,000 mules could drag me to the ballet….”
That’s probably just as well. You couldn’t possibly fit 2000 mules in the theatre.
@Baja Gaijin: At the risk of someone beating me to it, it’s the Millennium Falcon. Seemed like the sort of thing you would have had to know to make the joke you did. And in all seriousness, you got me thinking that yeah, Star Wars and The African Queen are basically the same story, but AQ doesn’t have the annoying farm kid.
@richardf8:
AQ doesn’t have the annoying farm kid.
No, but it does have the cheesy mosquito animation.
Other than that, it’s a little gem of a movie.
“Also, sometimes the gibberish gets subtitles and sometimes it doesn’t”
Was Josh subtly referencing the “Star Wars Holiday Special”? Where we get a full hour of Chewbacca’s family talking to each-other in Wookie, with literally no subtitles?
I hope he did not go there…
Flunking Wrinkled Brains: “I used to live in my school locker.” “That explains the aroma of unwashed sweatpants about you.”
Okay, I’ll say it with Star Wars.
The most enjoyment I ever got out of Starwars since the last 20 years was a Sesame Street parody called “Star Smores” where Cookie Monster plays the Han Solo role, paired up with “Chewy the Cookie”
Cookie Monster immediately stops the parody because he can’t have a cookie as a sidekick, as he’ll just eat him, so he goes to various other parodies of Star Wars characters (Including Groda, a combination of Grover and Yoda, the the very concept itself is bliss because I love Frank Oz’s legacy) to get advice to curb his eating impulses.
Then rescuing the Princess Leia parody at the end/
Leia parody: For rescuing me, you can have my hairdo.
Cookie Monster: Your hairdo?
Leia parody: Yes, it’s made of cookies (As her buns in this parody are replaced with Oreos)
Cookie Monster: COWABUNGA!!
@Old School Allie Cat: I see “AQ” and my mind goes to al Qaeda, so this was a very interesting discussion to rewind. That said, I’ve always heard tell the original Star Wars was a rip-off of Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress – but I prefer to think it was a rip-off of The African Queen. Which makes Empire a rip-off of Casablanca? Lando is Renault, Darth Vader is Strasser . . . .
Nancy Classics – Maybe you’re too warmly dressed. Try loosening your hair bow.
I chuckled at Judge Parker today. Make of that what you will.
So the Love Is guy travels the world without her and she thinks this is OK? The sex must be really terrific …
I thought those freckles or whatever were Beetle’s eyes, giving him sort of a Raggedy Andy look. I can’t erase that, either.
@The Rambling Otter:
I always thought Art Carney setting up Norton Virus protection on Chewy Dad’s VR sex box was a nice touch, if a touch anachronistic.
@Poteet: “… Oh, we got trouble, trouble in River City: Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Porn …”
@Rube: They are Boomers, the strip started in the Boomer era, and I don’t care how much Batty tries to reboot or retcon or erase the ages, they are Boomers and always will be.
Now get off my lawn!
@Voshkod:
That said, I’ve always heard tell the original Star Wars was a rip-off of Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress – but I prefer to think it was a rip-off of The African Queen. Which makes Empire a rip-off of Casablanca
__________________________________________________________
“Of all the Death Stars in all the star systems in all the galaxies, he had to walk into mine.”
@Little Guy: Thank you for bringing up Jar Jar and reminding me that there’s another linguistic category: aliens who clearly speak alien gibberish natively, and speak English with a heavy accent.
Archie – But the really heavy lifting is done by Veronica’s bra.
@richardf8, @Voshkod: I think Star Wars is more like The Dukes of Hazzard, where the Millennium Falcon is the General Lee, Princess Leia is Daisy Duke, and Darth Vader is Boss Hogg.
@Jonathan Card:
I think the idea is that aliens in Star Wars don’t have the right vocal cords or larynx or whatever to pronounce English, so knowing multiple languages is a necessity, as is being able to listen in one language and talk in another. Why R2-D2 can’t speak English when Texas Instruments has been producing a voice synthesizer since before Empire Strikes Back came out is another, more baffling question.
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Someone get Count Weirdly to reanimate George Carlin so he can finish his Star Trek/Star Wars routine “In Star TREK we have a Universal Translator wired into the ship’s communication system that instantly translates alien language and makes their mouths on screen look like they’re talking English. In Star WARS we have Wookies howling at Bea Arthur, Art Carney and Harvey Korman for twenty minutes.”
@Garrison Skunk:
@Voshkod:
Quick Casablanca story/brag. My final term at college, I took a screenwriting class with a visiting professor who a handful of unmemorable credits to his name, but was a lovely human being with a lot of connections. So he announces in class one day that the following week, a legend will be meeting us for class. Julius Epstein, who, with his brother Phillip and Howard Koch wrote the screenplay for Casablanca (and many, many others). This was 1997, about three years before he died.
We met in the Dean of the Journalism School’s conference room, they brought in lunch, and we spent several hours asking him questions and basking in the glow of a real writer. Then, we walked a block to the student center where Turner Classic Movies screened Casablanca for us (and any student who was willing to buy a $2
ticket), and Mr. Epstein answered more questions for another hour.
This was easily one of the neatest things that happened in my time in college. My husband was also in the class (though we wouldn’t start dating for three more years), and likes to remind me of what I said that day. Julius commented to our prof that students were very casually dressed, and that in his day, he had to wear a coat and tie. Our professor said, “We’re lucky if we can get these kids to wear underwear.”
To which I replied, “Nothing like a cool breeze!”
That’s my Casablanca story.
@Old School Allie Cat:
You’ll always have bare ass.
@Peanut Gallery:
@richardf8, @Voshkod: I think Star Wars is more like The Dukes of Hazzard, where the Millennium Falcon is the General Lee, Princess Leia is Daisy Duke, and Darth Vader is Boss Hogg.
______
…and Luke is Luke?
Today’s Dustin is just setting us up to introduce a new Gen-Z character called “Phyllis-teen.”
@The Rambling Otter: #211: The only thing I remember about that awful Star Wars Holiday Special was that Carrie Fisher was braless under her Princess Leia costume and jiggled all the way, with her nipples a-poking.
@Old School Allie Cat:
Cool tale, AC :)
@Guillermo el chiclero:
The only thing I remember (aside from gibbering Wookies) was Bea Arthur’s scene. And to be honest, that was the best part of the entire thing, I felt she gave a genuinely good performance (Although seeing what we were dealing wth, it’s an extremely low bar)
@Peanut Gallery:
Needs more mice throwing bricks.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
In later days, Carrie Fisher liked to tell the story of how she’d wanted to wear a bra, but George Lucas didn’t let her. He motivated that by the bullshit argument that you can’t wear a bra in space, because in zero-g your body swells up and the bra would strangle you.
Carrie (who was quite funny) said that she wanted her obituary to say that she was strangled by her own bra :)
BB: While I always assumed Beetle just kept his eyes covered up with a hat and/or hair like his nephew Chip Flagston, I’m starting to suspect that he’s an eyeless Pentagon-sponsored experiment who gets around with sonar. Lazy sonar.
MW: A wimpy guy with Sandy hair discusses his sorry love life with his cat, who enviously eyes his Italian food. Thanks for showing us what Garfield would look like as a soap strip.
FC – “That’s it. No more whiskey for you kids!”
@Charterstoned: #14
“MW: So…Jared keeps Mister Solo’s litter box on the kitchen counter?”
“That’s disgusting! What about the stench?”
“The litter box will just have to get used to it.”
MW- the unfairness of this strip is that if it when these two break up , we’ll never see Jared again. We’ll get loads of Dawn’s laughable loves instead. Don’t we get enough of the Westin mystique with occasional visits the Wilbur’s horrible life. Let’s ignore Dawn, and spend months listening to Jared go on and on about Star Wars. On second thought, maybe not.
@Dr. Pill: EXACTLY!
@Oversized Garden Ornament: I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you very much. Judging just from the comments on CK, MW readers are a varied bunch.
C-Shaft: Gee, and I thought “Everybody invest in Bean’s End because I’m giving them all my disposable income” was a cast-iron strategy.
JP: Her name is Reena and she’s trying out to be the New Delhi Monkey Gang’s new keyboa—Sorry, wrong strip. But obviously I’m not the only one who made that mistake.
Pluggers: If a Plugger’s seven year itch meant Marilyn Monroe moving in upstairs while the wife is out of town we’d be in weird furry webcomic territory.
RMMD: “Eventually” is a nice way of saying “in 15 years or so or whenever you make parole.”
@The Rambling Otter:
it’s an extremely low bar)
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I see what you did there! Nice pun.
@Old School Allie Cat: What a great story! Thanks for sharing.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
MW: A wimpy guy with Sandy hair discusses his sorry love life with his cat, who enviously eyes his Italian food. Thanks for showing us what Garfield would look like as a soap strip.
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My vote for COTW.
DICK TRACY: The last time someone used a rest room in DICK TRACY (and so far as I can recall, the only time) it was Dethany Dendrobia, in a crossover story, and when she went to wash her hands the towel dispenser or whatever gave way and dumped down a huge amount of stolen loot onto the floor. Mr. Memory doesn’t really have to “go,” and anyway it’s his own house, but he figures this might be penciled in for a new running joke for the strip, and you can never have enough money, so — worth a shot.
@Garrison Skunk:
” Needs more mice throwing bricks.”
Where’s Ignatz when you need him? Those kats are going krazy!
@qu: #244
Aggh. That was me. (You can tell by the wordiness and the parens and dashes, right?) No idead how my nom got somehow glitched to “qu.”
I blame the Hapsburgs.
I would so love to fling one of these into a
gaggleobstinacy of Pluggers. The ensuing feeding frenzy then disappointed mouths full of fuzz would be pants-wettingly hilarious.// I don’t know the collective term for a group of Pluggers. I borrowed the term for many buffaloes.
@John Small Berries: #27
“Perhaps your alternate Star Wars dub could shed some light on why the Wookiee language doesn’t appear to actually employ any of the consonants in Chewbacca’s name.”
He had them trademarked. Sure, it probably wouldn’t stand up in court in a fair trial, but this is a society in which good advice consists of “let the Wookiee win.”
@Old School Allie Cat:
Pffff, big deal. Anyone can meet a screenwriter before he dies.
DICK TRACY: Some guys can’t “go” if they think someone is watching. And then there’s Mr. Memory, who can’t go unless his pet owl comes along with him to watch. It’s an unusual kink, but We Don’t Get to Judge.
GIL THORP: “It’s late enough that I’ll be blunt. Or maybe ‘it’s late enough that I’ll smoke a blunt.’ I always get those two mixed up.”
PHANTOM: “Time to go.” Uh, sorry, I think you got your script mixed up today with DICK TRACY’s. That was Mr. Memory’s line.
Marvin Miller’s parents and anyone who takes home leftovers from Mary Worth’s kitchen will appreciate this Japanese appliance.
@Dr. Pill: Yeah, I was just making the observation. I don’t know why they bothered doing that with the yearbook, since the elderly Batiuk and the elderly Ayers always portray the characters as elderly, not middle-aged.
@Garrison Skunk: Oh yeah, that works out nicely! I forgot the names of the two eye-candy guys. I really only have a detailed memory of one character from that show, and it’s not Boss Hogg.
SPECIAL TO SCRATCHY SCROTUM: Try this ancient Japanese secret technique to relieve your scratchy scrotum.
@Garrison Skunk:
xD to be perfectly honest, I didn’t realize I had made a pun until you pointed it out.
This company should open its first showroom in Westview, Ohio. It’d make a killing!
@256 Baja Gaijin:
That looks bad enough but I was thinking your link would be about castration!
@Garrison Skunk: “I think this is middle part of a beautiful trilogy.”
@Peanut Gallery: Well, it does feature a brother and sister kissing, so it’s well within the ambit of Dukes of Hazzard.
@Garrison Skunk: Concur.
@Old School Allie Cat: You may have just established you’re too cool to be posting here.
@Garrison Skunk: The week is young, but thanks.
@Ettorre: #35
” Curtis, you know who also got blind after seeing his parent naked? Oedipus! You’re in good company”
I doubt if it worked out all that well for Lot’s daughters either.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: That I could see working, though you and I both know that Dawn will be as hypocritical as ever but the narrative will still try to spin her as the wronged party. “I can go out and dance with other guys because I have a social life but Jared is NOT allowed to have female friends!”
@Inspector Gotcha: #51
I’ve *never* been to a wedding that had a dj. In fact, the only one I can recall that had anyone singing (one or two solo songs by a friend of the bride) was my sister’s wedding back around 1970. Mostly my social circle goes with Universal Life Church splicings and the like. (For which I am grateful.) The idea of having a d.j. forced upon me in any situation in which I was being tortured to give up the information as to where the gold was buried is kinda sickening.
(I could probably hold on the squealing in the dj were into American Standards or British Invasion, but I realize s/he would probably actually be in seventies disco and I would crack immediately.)
@Oversized Garden Ornament: #95
“At least they are not communicating in raw binary code, as some comic-book robots tend to do – you know the thing, a speech bubble filled with just ones and zeroes.”
Fun fact: the first time an sf writer smuggled the “f-word” into a story in a mainsteam American sf magazine, it was in the form of a robot swearing in binary code. (Like every nerd who read the story, I had to work it out for myself and then though, wow, he really went there — sort of….)
http://www.isfdb.org/cgi-bin/title.cgi?52329
@Anomynous: All these kids care about these days is just the BEAT! The BEAT!
@Shrug: Mr. Memory went to the trouble of installing a king size toilet in his present hovel, so he wants to poop before going to Police Headquarters, where he would be decidedly uncomfortable in the men’s room.
Could you picture Victor Buono sitting on a regular human-sized toilet? Even in his Whatever Happened to Baby Jane days?
@Occam:
Don’t forget about the part about Huttese just being a heavily distorted version of Quechua (the modern descendant of the language of the Incas, still widely spoken in the Andes) lol!
Also, it’s a crime that not ONCE did they ever get Harrison Ford to try and talk to Chewy in his own language.
MW: I was going to complain about how Disney was once willing to sue a freaking *daycare* for having Mickey & co. on their walls, but is apparently sleeping on Mary Worth having the Star Wars logo in it. But then I found out that King Features/North American Syndicate (and thus their parent company, Hearst Communications) have a long history of working with Disney, including Hearst being co-owner of ESPN.
So instead, I’m going to start a change.org petition to make Santa Royale a world in the next Kingdom Hearts game. I figure that Mary can’t make that series any MORE of an endless shaggy dog story than it already is, plus I really want to see Jared and Wilbur getting bludgeoned to death with giant keys!
@Rube: My comment was aimed at Batty for futzing with the timelines in his Westview universe, not your comment. He’s set the strip up that his characters age, but not too much, he doesn’t want them too old. Taking inspiration from Gasoline Alley, he is.
@Baja Gaijin:
An obtuseness of Pluggers? A rotundity of Pluggers?
@270 Peanut Gallery: An obtuseness of Pluggers sound right. On the other hand, rotundity is a good descriptor too. Pluggers are big enough, both words can cover their groupings.
@Poteet: Now, now, we have all seen worse images than that.
@Baja Gaijin: Just so I understand this correctly, when you’re not here at CC you’re off reading the Jackass: Tokyo Edition blog?
Wednesday!
Beetle Bailey: Officers don’t sign up for hitches! Only enlisted men do!
Don’t EVER go to this strip for military prodacal.
Curtis: I am baffled that Curtis seems to think that getting an eyeful of his dad’s junk would be preferable to seeing his ass.
Maybe Greg is one of those rumored guys who never wipes, and the shower hadn’t been running long enough to erase what a horrorshow it is back there.
reposting a “held for approval” post from last night (still being held) after masking the bad word:
@Inspector Gotcha: #51
I’ve *never* been to a wedding that had a dj. In fact, the only one I can recall that had anyone singing (one or two solo songs by a friend of the bride) was my sister’s wedding back around 1970. Mostly my social circle goes with Universal Life Church splicings and the like. (For which I am grateful.) The idea of having a d.j. forced upon me in any situation in which I was being tormented to give up the information as to where the gold was buried is kinda sickening.
(I could probably hold on the squealing in the dj were into American Standards or British Invasion, but I realize s/he would probably actually be in seventies disco and I would crack immediately.)