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Hello, faithful readers! Did you have a good Christmahanukkwanzaa? Are you ready for a return to comics blogging form, here on your favorite website, joshreads dot com? Well, good news: I’m back and prepared to read the comics so you don’t have to, once again.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/24

So what did you get up to on Christmas? Did you wait around for your doctor to call you up and tell you it was OK to walk on your treadmill, which he’ll only do after sarcastically asking, “I dunno, do you think someone might stab you the minute you leave the safety of your chair”?

Gil Thorp, 12/26/24

Or did you just straight-up go to jail, like Marty Moon?

Gasoline Alley, 12/27/24

Or did you give, or possibly receive, yet another cursèd doll, to go with the one your friend group already has, doubling the number of demonic toys out in the world and ensuring the ultimate destruction of the human race???

Mary Worth, 12/25/24 and 12/28/24

But whatever, I didn’t have time over the holiday week to think about evil dolls because Dawn’s Christmas Day hunk date turned out to be exactly the blockbuster event that I predicted. First up: turns out Dirk is kind of an asshole — ha ha, what are the paces he’s planning on putting her through that he requires her to protienmaxx at dinner? — but also, it turns out that Dawn 100% thinks of being vegan as a “diet” rather than an ethical framework for respecting animal life, so honestly I don’t feel that bad about it.

Mary Worth, 12/29/24

“Ha ha, Mary, I know, young people really do rush into things instead of taking the time to get to know somebody! It sure would be terrible if I got fingerbanged in the front seat of a car by some hunk I met two days ago instead of spending the last 20 years ‘getting to know’ an angry failed academic decades older than me! Ha ha!”

Mary Worth, 12/30/24

Uh oh! Conflict incoming! Will shallow hunk Dirk still accept Dawn if she has to wear glasses, like she used to?

Mary Worth, 12/31/24 and 1/1/25

Obviously he will not accept them, duh. Remember “negging,” the emotional manipulation technique promoted in the late ’00s by pickup artists and others amongst worst people alive? Well, Mary Worth has finally gotten wind of it in the year of our lord 2025, and obviously Dawn Weston is the first victim.

Mary Worth, 1/2/25

And it worked! She’s 100% in love with this guy, already, despite the fact that he has not been particularly nice to her! In 2025, we’re going to discover: is Dawn going to find that the thing she’s been seeking has been inside her all along? Or has the thing she’s seeking only gone inside her fairly recently? (I’m talking about Dirk’s penis, if that’s not clear.)

Curtis, 1/2/25

Oh, also, Curtis did another Kwanzaa storyline, but instead of being about cool shit like giant telepathic otters it’s about how when you die, you’re reborn as a child in an endless white void and are very confused until you eventually run into your mother. A bit theologically confused and zero giant magical animal content. I give it a C+, but I believe that 2025 has the potential to be at least a B-, comics-wise. Stay tuned!

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Folks! It is once again time for me to take my long winter’s nap, by which I mean a week or so off from posting on the site so that you can take a break from reading and spend time with your families (or with your bookie or with cable TV, I don’t care what you do). Do not fear, however: I will return after the New Year to let you know how badly Dawn’s date goes, and will keep on blogging in 2025 and for all eternity.

In the meantime, though, here’s your top comment of the past few days, something to tide you over:

“Like a toothache! Not that we have to worry about that! [they all open their mouths wide to reveal their weird gummy maws]” –pugfuggly

And here are your runners up! Very funny!

“Wait, Yeet-Saying Teen’s name is Oscar? That’s not right at all. If the only thing he can say is ‘yeet,’ his name has to be Yeet. Have these people never seen Grape Ape?” –Peanut Gallery

“Over ‘winter break’? Hootin’ Holler was the last place I expected meek surrender in the War on Christmas.” –matt w

“Disney may have lost their joint trademark with WB on ‘superhero,’ but their back-up plan is that if they publish a comic book called Comic Book, maybe they can trademark that.” –Horace Broon

“At least Santa and his old lady appear to spend their year judging Naughty/Nice at Molly Hatchet concerts. They need judging, and not just for being Molly Hatchet fans.” –A Grave Mind

“AUBEE looks like a name you’d see if you asked Midjourney to generate a picture of Santa checking his list.” –ambignostic, on BlueSky

“Dude, the least you could have done is make it rhyme. I’ll get you started: ‘steak’ rhymes with ‘milkshake.’” –Pozzo

“Meanwhile, Blondie is reading out loud from 50 Shades of Grey on her iPad, and also using ChatGPT to change half the original text to descriptions of food. It takes a lot to get things going in bed when you’re a couple of long-married weirdos, but darn it, they’re trying!” –BigTed

“No, no, Dawn! Pale mauve doesn’t go well with red flags.” –MKay

“Boring, repetitive, primary purpose is to cause you to seek out distraction from the unpleasantness? It’s the perfect Rex Morgan, M.D., Christmas gift!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/24/24

Fellas! Did your asshole doctor tell you that the reason you feel like shit is because you spend all your time on the couch watching TV and that you should get some steps in, and then you had the bright idea of putting a treadmill in front of the TV, but then your shrew wife vetoed the idea because it would be “expensive” and “ugly”? Well, have you considered hiring some guys to stab you in your own neighborhood on the very first time you go for a walk? Sure, you’ll get stabbed, but your wife will feel terrible and buy you an ugly treadmill to put in front of the TV, so it might be worth it. You’ll probably give her a case of agoraphobia in the process, but it’s probably worth it.

Mary Worth, 12/24/24

I apologize earlier for issuing a red alert over “bowling hunk Christmas week storyline in Mary Worth,” because I didn’t realize that we’d actually hit the level of “bowling hunk first date literally on Christmas Day,” but here we are. What’s above red alert? Because this seems like it needs a higher alert.

Slylock Fox, 12/24/24

Slylock is shaking Santa’s hand and saying “Don’t worry, despite the recent unpleasantness, any surviving humans will be welcomed into the society of the Forest Kingdom and be granted provisional citizenship” and Max is feeding the reindeer and carrot and saying “Hey, buddy. I know you can understand me. You ever think about standing on your hind legs? You ever think about using those razor-sharp hooves to slice a man’s throat open?”