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Shoe, 9/16/26

More than 20 years ago, I had the idea that it would be fun to start a blog sharing my opinions about Wilbur Weston’s sex life with the world, and mostly it’s been OK, but I have to say that I also have from the get go felt compelled to share the news that the characters in Shoe are birds, which has led me to explain a surprising number of times that a bird is outfitted with a cloaca rather than an anal sphincter, and thus just kind of poops whenever its bowels fill up enough and doesn’t have control over the process like me or (hopefully) you. The Perfesser is a fishhawk and thus an obligate carnivore, but his compatriots of vegan species must be doing truly horrifying things to their digestive system if this is the sort of thing he’s writing about in his column.

Mary Worth, 9/16/26

Speaking of the sex lives of the Weston family, how’s Dawn, who has been established as secretly pining for Tommy, doing with that whole situation? Well, she’s reached whatever the stage of secret pining is where you go bowling with your love object and his girlfriend. Look, she’s even wearing a bowling shirt! She’s really into this! Anyway, her reward for this is to learn from Tommy that Mary Worth and Ian Cameron have successfully initiated the sort of secret cheating affair that she yearns for but can’t have, which has to hurt. Note that Tommy is whispering in panel two: Obviously he wouldn’t tell Brandy this, she’s way too good for this kind of gossip.

Dick Tracy, 9/16/26

It’s no “eaten alive by rats,” but “bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the neck while your wraparound sunglasses display a BSOD” is pretty hardcore, not gonna lie. I certainly hope Widescreen custom-programmed the embedded processor in those glasses himself to keep track of his vital signs in order to deliver a final bit he would never see; if these are just some off-the-shelf smart glasses from Meta or something, I will lose respect for him as a hacker.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/16/26

Sorry, there’ll be no crime or kidnapping fun in Rex Morgan, M.D., this week, but there will be drama, in the form of Rex finally being unable to escape the conclusion that his sons are pretty stupid. Remember, one of these kids is Rex and June’s biological child and the other is adopted, so we’re really gonna settle some nature vs. nurture questions here in ways that will not reflect well on our protagonist.

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Pluggers, 9/15/26

Sorry, pluggers! The FDA just declared the cyclospora outbreak over, and we all trust the FDA on this, right? [nervous laughter] Anyhoo, my point is that you are, once again, behind trend, and also shitting your guts out in a port-a-john for unrelated and uncool reasons.

Dick Tracy, 9/15/26

Oh no! They shot Widescreen! They shot him right in the gun. Or maybe the gun blew up, what with Sten guns being notoriously unreliable and Widescreen probably ordering it from some extremely dodgy online retailer? Unclear. The point is, he seems dead now, or at least dead-ish.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/14/26

I guess the point of this strip is “You never get what you want when you want it,” but for at least a brief moment I thought Snuffy looked so sad because he considers himself in his way to be a steward of the land. During deer-huntin’ season, people have killed so many deer that bears roam the countryside, near starving for lack of prey, and then in bear-huntin’ season, deer multiply out of control due to lack of predators. That’s why he had to shoot these critters out of season, sheriff! He’s helpin’ the local ecosystem!

Gil Thorp, 9/14/26

Based on the extremely visible stars in the sky, I’m guessing this is a night game played without adequate lighting. Presumably Oakwood is the home team and this gives them an advantage based on their day-glow yellow uniforms. Obviously the Mudlark QB is going to throw right to them, they’re the only ones visible on the field!

Pluggers, 9/14/26

I regret to inform you all that there are only two viable options here: that pluggers think “bedroom eyes” mean what your eyes look like when you’re sleepy, or that they think that sometimes a plugger will make eyes at you implying that they want you to come over and fuck them right there on their recliner and that this is what those eyes look like, like they’re dying.

Judge Parker, 9/14/26

Good news: Judge Parker Emeritus Senior got a job, to give his life meaning. Bad news: he apparently has to get up at 6:00 am to get to it? Maybe a meaningless life isn’t so bad after all, let’s not be hasty.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/26

Remember: it’s not just mandatory that nothing bad ever happen to the Morgan family. The Morgan family must be fully insulated by the narrative from ever knowing that anything bad might have potentially happened to them. And, mission accomplished! Looks like we can wrap up the week’s strips with this one and [checks calendar] aw CRAP

Mary Worth, 9/14/26

“Did he die? Is he finally dead? Because he still owes me money from when I sold him weed six years ago. I mean, it wasn’t actually weed, it was oregano, but he didn’t know that.”