The runners up will have you chuckling, which hopefully will help generate some body heat:
“And at last, the conflict is revealed: Rex Morgan is mildly inconvenienced!” –TheDiva
“Who has it rougher, the woman feeding her husband as if he’s a baby, or the two Foreign Legionnaires whose only available entertainment is to eavesdrop on this nauseating process? Who cares? None of them have it as rough as us, the readers of the comic strip about it.” –Peanut Gallery
“It would be kind of badass if, after a century-plus of lighthearted adventures together, Spark Plug actually killed Barney Google.” –Joe Blevins
“I like how Smitty’s defense seems to be just yelling ‘INNOCENT!’ dramatically at each and every question he’s asked. He knows that when dealing with animals, concise, repeated messages are key.” –pugfuggly
“Slick Smitty is accused of stealing milk. Which of these witnesses was not in the industrial milking facility near the school, tethered to machines to provide the youth with fresh milk? Which witness was not in their assigned place, making eggs? Because there’s something suspicious in a citizen that’s not providing according to their abilities.” –Voshkod
“Pluggers are pretty sure they have the acerbic charm of a Bill Murray, but not like an artsy, Wes Anderson-era Bill Murray, they’re not into that. And I guess not in his SNL-through-Ghostbusters years, a little too high energy for a plugger’s tastes. Pluggers are very fond of Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties though. Did you know they go to England in that one? Ha ha, imagine, Garfield! In England! [turning off the alarm and falling back asleep while chuckling] I bet they don’t even make lasagna the same there.” –Dan
“It’s a trick question. The answer is that none of them testified, in any order. As is evident from the depiction in the first panel, the prospective witnesses weren’t sequestered before testifying. Defense counsel thus objected to the proffer of any of them as witnesses because they were all together, able to discuss one another’s testimony, and the Court struck them all from the witness list. Without any witnesses to call, Slylock lost his case, which he would have done, anyway, because he disrespected the dignity of the Court inasmuch as he and his sidekick wore hats into the courtroom. The moral here, of course, is that crime pays, and now Slick Smitty is free to continue his life of unrestrained lactic kleptomania.” –Bob Tice
“Dennis the Head Floating Above His Shoulders Menace works for me.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“Miss Buxley and Miss Blips are named after their boobs, but it is nice to see that despite their different boob sizes, they band together against the common enemy, i.e. their superior. Truly the army is amazing in building comradeship, unity, and cohesion!” –Ettorre
“I mean, I still don’t want to be around him, which is why I’m here with you.” –Rosstifer
“General Halftrack is fantasizing that when Miss Buxley goes to ‘pick up something for him,’ it means she’ll be stopping at Victoria’s Secret and modeling some sexy items of clothing in the office. What it really means is that she’ll go to the Base Supply Center for a box of pens, because that, even though she’s faking the need for it, would actually be a useful part of her job. Especially since Halftrack is old and was never even issued a computer, so he spends all day waving big pieces of paper around.” –BigTed
“Ian used to shout and grumble and be so condescending. But now I can do things like get this botched Michael Jackson-esque nose job and he doesn’t even say a word. It’s great!” –2+2=7
“Poor Mary, faced with an intractable conflict between two of her faves (enabling ridiculous behavior and gassing up terrible men).” –matt w
“I guess Josh was wrong yesterday — the pie and the salad were both for Mary. Toby’s lunch consists solely of a gin and tonic on an empty stomach (the slice of lemon counts as her calories treat for the day). How else do you think she a) stays so slim and b) comes out with ideas like ‘Should I divorce my husband because my bird ate all his stuff?’” –Schroduck
“This entire family shouting match and the subsequent murder/suicide could have been avoided wth decaf.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“Every Robin Hood film needs to spend the first half on an origin story, and the one in Mother Goose and Grimm seems as good as any.” –Gerry Quinn
“Real sloppy work from whoever did the spray job. They need to take a note from whoever did that sharp little Cool-S. Craft matters and bigger does not always equal better.” –Charterstone: Dune
“Leroy doesn’t work on that floor, is the thing. That guy has no idea who this odd, squat man talking to him is. Leroy LIVES for the chaos!” –A Grave Mind
“Sir Rodney is just following the orders of the King’s Privy Council.” –nescio
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