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Folks! It is once again time for me to take my long winter’s nap, by which I mean a week or so off from posting on the site so that you can take a break from reading and spend time with your families (or with your bookie or with cable TV, I don’t care what you do). Do not fear, however: I will return after the New Year to let you know how badly Dawn’s date goes, and will keep on blogging in 2025 and for all eternity.

In the meantime, though, here’s your top comment of the past few days, something to tide you over:

“Like a toothache! Not that we have to worry about that! [they all open their mouths wide to reveal their weird gummy maws]” –pugfuggly

And here are your runners up! Very funny!

“Wait, Yeet-Saying Teen’s name is Oscar? That’s not right at all. If the only thing he can say is ‘yeet,’ his name has to be Yeet. Have these people never seen Grape Ape?” –Peanut Gallery

“Over ‘winter break’? Hootin’ Holler was the last place I expected meek surrender in the War on Christmas.” –matt w

“Disney may have lost their joint trademark with WB on ‘superhero,’ but their back-up plan is that if they publish a comic book called Comic Book, maybe they can trademark that.” –Horace Broon

“At least Santa and his old lady appear to spend their year judging Naughty/Nice at Molly Hatchet concerts. They need judging, and not just for being Molly Hatchet fans.” –A Grave Mind

“AUBEE looks like a name you’d see if you asked Midjourney to generate a picture of Santa checking his list.” –ambignostic, on BlueSky

“Dude, the least you could have done is make it rhyme. I’ll get you started: ‘steak’ rhymes with ‘milkshake.’” –Pozzo

“Meanwhile, Blondie is reading out loud from 50 Shades of Grey on her iPad, and also using ChatGPT to change half the original text to descriptions of food. It takes a lot to get things going in bed when you’re a couple of long-married weirdos, but darn it, they’re trying!” –BigTed

“No, no, Dawn! Pale mauve doesn’t go well with red flags.” –MKay

“Boring, repetitive, primary purpose is to cause you to seek out distraction from the unpleasantness? It’s the perfect Rex Morgan, M.D., Christmas gift!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/24/24

Fellas! Did your asshole doctor tell you that the reason you feel like shit is because you spend all your time on the couch watching TV and that you should get some steps in, and then you had the bright idea of putting a treadmill in front of the TV, but then your shrew wife vetoed the idea because it would be “expensive” and “ugly”? Well, have you considered hiring some guys to stab you in your own neighborhood on the very first time you go for a walk? Sure, you’ll get stabbed, but your wife will feel terrible and buy you an ugly treadmill to put in front of the TV, so it might be worth it. You’ll probably give her a case of agoraphobia in the process, but it’s probably worth it.

Mary Worth, 12/24/24

I apologize earlier for issuing a red alert over “bowling hunk Christmas week storyline in Mary Worth,” because I didn’t realize that we’d actually hit the level of “bowling hunk first date literally on Christmas Day,” but here we are. What’s above red alert? Because this seems like it needs a higher alert.

Slylock Fox, 12/24/24

Slylock is shaking Santa’s hand and saying “Don’t worry, despite the recent unpleasantness, any surviving humans will be welcomed into the society of the Forest Kingdom and be granted provisional citizenship” and Max is feeding the reindeer and carrot and saying “Hey, buddy. I know you can understand me. You ever think about standing on your hind legs? You ever think about using those razor-sharp hooves to slice a man’s throat open?”

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Judge Parker, 12/23/24

Aw, isn’t that nice? Sam is going to let Alan enjoy the holidays and wait until the new year until he yells at him for sheltering his criminal daughter. Personally speaking, I’d like to get it out of the way now, you know? No worse way to spend the holiday then dwelling on “Ah, what kind of pissy scold am I going to get from Sam Driver about my latest criminal antics” when I could be exchanging gifts with my family or getting drunk or whatever.

Blondie, 12/23/24

Look, I’m not afraid to say it: A giant stocking stuffed full with cookies and two kinds of meat sounds disgusting. It’s all going to get mixed together and lint from the stocking will stick to everything! I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination but Dagwood’s whole deal is very gross.

Gasoline Alley, 12/23/24

Santa, famously, sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. To this list of surveillance crimes, add another: every time somebody gives birth, anywhere in the world, he’s watching. He’s watching … and he remembers. He remembers everything.