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Gil Thorp, 8/16/17

OK, see, when it comes to my nostalgia-fueled love of returning former Gil Thorp teens who are now All Grown Up, even I have my limits. Like, Trey and Jaquan, a couple of guys who hadn’t appeared in more than a decade? I’m jazzed as hell, man! But True Standish, the star quarterback who graduated last year? Ennnnnnh. Under True’s steady hand, the ranking of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons offense apparently dropped from 114th in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision to 124th, but at least this summer when he crushes his receiver’s hopes and dreams, it’ll be the outcome everyone’s rooting for.

Mark Trail, 8/16/17

Oh, hey, remember when Johnny straight-up rode over a cliff on his horse? Well, surprise, that was just some fancy illusion work from Mark’s old buddy, and he’s not dead at all! Unfortunately, back two months ago (side note: Mark and this motley crew have been out on the Dakota prairie for two months??? Jesus) when Mark and Johnny plotted to use Johnny’s trick riding skills to defeat their enemies, they were still under the impression that the she-kidnapper was a hostage (despite Mark’s big talk about knowing all along she was on the side of evil), so probably Johnny is about to chivalrously ride to her rescue, with disastrous results.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/17

You know, some people view me with pity just because I somehow retain huge swaths of plot and character detail for Mary Worth or Gil Thorp in my head, but in my defense those plots and characters are, for the most part, fun. Take Funky Winkerbean in contrast: despite the fact that I’ve read it and been annoyed by it every day for more than a decade, I routinely forgot a lot of its byzantine world-building, because honestly why bother. So, like, for instance, up until today I would’ve sworn that Darrin’s pal/coworker Mopey Pete was another one of the strip’s seemingly endless supply of clinically depressed Northeast Ohio natives, but nope, I guess he’s a “New York and L.A. guy,” a proud bicoastal elitist who nevertheless dresses like that. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll find something that interests him in Centerville! Probably a lady, for sex.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/17

Sorry, gag-a-day strip writers: no so-called “punchline” you could come up with would be funnier than panel three of today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., in which we see the gears of June’s mind spinning wildly in her attempt to avoid the responsibility of raising her dying childhood friend’s toddler.