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Hi and Lois, 3/13/23

You know, I’ve often wondered how lovable disheveled loser Thirsty manages to hold down his job at Foofram Industries, but today we learn that by sheer force of not giving a shit he’s not only gainfully employed but has an office with a door and little desk sign that cheerfully proclaims his drinking problem to anyone who wanders in. Mr. Foofram is completely powerless against Thirsty’s utter lack of shame, and frankly a lot of us could take some pointers from him.

Dennis the Menace, 3/13/23

You know, “menacing” is communal process: it requires one party to behave in a potentially menacing fashion and another party to perceive those actions as menacing. So Dennis can trot this stuff out all he wants but if everyone is just going to titter indulgently, it’s not menacing. He’s clearly hoping for a theological escalation that he simply isn’t going to get at this drippy liberal Episcopalian parish his parents drag him to every week.

Gil Thorp, 3/13/23

Every team needs two kinds of assistant coaches: one who yells specific things you need to do, and another one that just yells general compliments. And thanks to their big fundraiser, the Mudlarks can now afford both, who hold down coaching duties on the sideline while Gil goes and takes a 25-minute “smoke break”.

Slylock Fox, 3/13/23

I love that, instead of drawing anything relevant to the logic puzzle he’s giving his class, Sly has just drawn an elaborately lifelike portrait of Count Weirdly on the whiteboard. “Blah blah fingerprints blah blah LOOK AT THIS FACE,” he says. “THIS FACE IS ALWAYS GUITLY. ONCE YOU SEE THE FACE JUST WORK YOUR WAY BACKWARDS TO SOMETHING VAGUELY PLAUSIBLE THEN LOCK HIM UP.”

Mary Worth, 3/13/23

“Your furry friends … [Mary pauses, then has a panicked thought that Wilbur and Dawn might have fursonas she doesn’t know about] … Pierre and Libby?”