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Mary Worth, 8/15/16

I’m back, everyone! Let’s give a huge shout-out to Uncle Lumpy, who did admirable work while I lounged around my darkened bedroom in a Vicodin haze, the shadows emphasizing how ripped my torso is. I was worried for a bit that I’d get fired, but then I realized that I own this darn website! I can do all the pills I want!

Anyway, after reviewing the past week of Mary Worth, I’m glad to see that the current storyline continues to promote the pill-popper lifestyle. For a minute it looked like Tommy might have some trouble doctor shopping, but it turns out that if you’re clever and determined enough, you can get all the delicious painkillers you needed, as you can tell by the pill bottles lined up on Tommy’s bedside table. And now that he’s being fired from his lame sandwich job, he’s got more time to enjoy his Vicodin. Win-win!

Judge Parker, 8/15/16

Meanwhile, in classic Judge Parker fashion, we’ve been treated to both the drama-filled run-up to Derek’s band’s gig and the ecstatic aftermath without actually seeing the performance itself. The important thing here is that Zeke, having been corrupted by Honey’s flirtatious banter, has switched from Monster® Energy Drink to Osipov Vodka. This is apparently not a real vodka brand, though Googling it led me to a book called The Rise of the Centaurs, so I have no regrets. Anyway, it’s going to be very sad when this bad decision leads to all these teens being killed in a drunk backseat driving accident.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/16

Speaking of getting killed in a drunk driving accident, Barry Bader’s drunk driving dad is going to, uh, take a plea, I guess? Given the lightning-fast pace of the U.S. court system, this plot should finally be wrapped up just in time for football season in 2019.

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Family Circus, 8/7/16

“Excellent,” thinks Mommy. “While they still instinctively resist the regimentation the school year places onto their lives, their spirits have been so thoroughly broken that they can no longer conceive of life without it, so they reproduce it, cargo-cult fashion, when not required to actually report to the classroom. Look, little PJ is already eager for structure and discipline, before he’s even gone to school! They’re definitely ready for their status as emotionally numbed drones.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/7/16

How dare Count Weirdly pull some obscure ice cube trickery to cover his tracks? That monster! Meanwhile, Sly and Max have gained access to Weirdly’s property with a search warrant that appears to just be a piece of paper with “SEARCH WARRANT” written on it.

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Shoe, 8/6/16

Ha ha, rap music! It’s an incredibly popular art form that’s been around for more than thirty years, but it sure isn’t music, amiright folks? This is definitely an opinion that young children hold, so it’s natural to put this line in Skyler’s mouth (beak?) here, and it’s 100% appropriate for him to go from wide-eyed eagerness to heavy-lidded smugness as he delivers the punchline.

Family Circus, 8/6/16

Everybody’s body language as they react to Billy’s obnoxious display is hilarious to me. PJ is recoiling in disgust. Jeffy’s about to haul off and punch Billy in the face. And Daddy is shrugging in despair, as if to say, “I guess camp couldn’t fix him. I guess he’s just like this.”