Hello, friends! Your COTW in a moment, but just a note that it’ll be your last COTW for a little bit because I’m heading out on a li’l vacation tomorrow and your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here filling in for me until 8/14! He loves you all too much to choose from amongst you, so there’s no point in kissing up, but be nice to him anyway and I’ll see you soon!
“I’d like to see the rest of the tablet, just to see what he’s the ‘Boy With.’ ‘Muddy Boots?’ ‘Marketing Contract?’ ‘Serious Intestinal Issues?’” –Pozzo
“I kinda love the idea that Hägar, the viking raider, is really into medieval Europe’s budding banking system. Do you think he annoys the other chieftains with his chatter about Lombard credit schemes like a middle ages crypto dude?” –pugfuggly
“Mary smiles in smug satisfaction as she confirms the ingredients are long past their ‘best by’ dates. From years of experimentation, she knows that the combination of overripe bananas, rancid peanut butter, and stale oats will produce a chemical reaction that closely mimics sodium pentothal. She hums as she begins to mix the batter, and considers each of the Charterstone residents in turn. ‘Now, I wonder who could use some fresh muffins…?’” –Charterstoned
“Sir Houndstooth pawned the set a month ago to pay for diesel. Now he’s got his flunky to pin a crime on Shrew to collect the insurance. ‘But your honor, my broken fuel gauge always reads full.’” –Hibbleton
“Sir Hound? Sir Hound? You’re telling me that the animals rose up and overthrew the humans, but then created from scratch not only the British monarchy but the entire system of honours and knighthoods it underpins? I can believe the talking animals and Weirdly robots and time machines, but this is too far.” –Schroduck
“Mary contemplates the creation of a Banana Golem, into which she will breathe life through the intervention of the demon Astaroth.” –Ukulele Ike
“On the one hand, Sheriff Tait would really like to stop Lukey from perpetuating the cycle of violence of his generational blood feud. On the other hand, money talks, and those flatlander tourists don’t bring the green if the ponds don’t stay stocked.” –jroggs
“Don’t sweat it, coach. I’m sweating enough for six of us.” –Peanut Gallery
“‘I had no idea they were profiting off you!’ declares Gil, establishing his alibi. He’s lying with the truth, of course. He thought this forcing juvenile delinquents to play bloodspor– er, I mean, football for the amusement of himself and the rest of the school system was a private, for-fun affair. He had no idea that dude who looks like an a cattle baron from an old western was stupid enough to broadcast their crimes and try to profit from it.” –ectojazzmage
“I like that the dog’s growl ends with ‘- – -‘, as if there’s more to come. Tune in tomorrow, when the dog continues growling!” –Voshkod
“If Luke goes by ‘Lukey,’ and Louise goes by ‘Loweezy,’ and Elvina goes by ‘Elviney,’ does that mean Snuffy’s given name is … Snuff?” –astroboy
“Silas needs to let others know that if unrepentant thief and general ne’er-do-well Snuffy Smith is still allowed at the store, they are also welcome to shop. Silas easily forgives past sins of shoplifting, as the markup on his wares is also robbery, so who is he to judge?” –Philip
“Damn, so Snuffy is too principled to accept a reduction of his debt in exchange for promotional considerations. Perhaps he’d feel differently if he ever intended to pay it, but he’s standing firm on delegating the distasteful obligation to his scarecrow, for whom he has also apparently obtained free clothing in the process of mitigating his almost entirely hypothetical debt. My hat is off, Snuffy. Please give it back.” –Violet
“Ah, the ‘Good Ol’ Days,’ namely the 1990s when it was acceptable to wear baseball caps the wrong way. While Dennis might think he can time travel with a wagon and a 2×4, he should look down a moment. If Joey isn’t intelligent enough to tie his shoe, I don’t think he will be able to help Dennis shatter the barriers of time and travel back to the past.” –KMD
“Poor Brazil. Out of the Women’s World Cup in the group stage and now this.” –But What Do I Know?
“The sandwich is insufficient for *DAGWOOD*. It cannot fill the void within. More is required. Perhaps you should invite your client’s husbands over to *WATCH THE GAME*.” –Old Man Shadow
“Forcing underage prisoners to practice in brutal conditions and play a televised game for viewer gratification was something I was all for, but finding out that SOMEONE ELSE would profit off of it? Unthinkable.” –ALK
“If I wanted to read an incredibly boring comic strip about about dogs, I’d read Mutts.” –Rube
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