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Archive: Apartment 3-G

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Three or four days from now, Archie will be forced to put the lotion in the basket

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Family Circus, 10/1/11

I like the looks of stunned incomprehension on the kids’ faces in this cartoon. “Is she … is she trying to make some kind of football reference? Like, we’re going to snap the ball and … eat … lunch? That doesn’t really work the way she thinks it does.” Add in the fact that the kids aren’t even in mid-play — Billy’s already taking off his helmet, PJ looks like he was less “playing football” and more just “rolling around in mud,” and Dolly is standing by demurely with her hands crossed, as any proper young lady should in the presence of roughhousing — and we can see this as the first of no doubt many doomed, tin-eared attempts by Ma Keane to be a “cool mom.”

Apartment 3-G, 10/1/11

Ha ha, what a great encapsulation of all that’s insane and wonderful about the current Lu Ann romance storyline. Paul’s parents worry that it won’t work out between Lu Ann and their son because they’re opposites — you know, a dumb blond who lives in a densely populated city on the west side of the Hudson and a dumb blonde who lives in a densely populated city on the east side of the Hudson. Oh, and also Paul is very close to his parents, while Lu Ann hates hers, which is all the opposite these two need, because the #1 thing to know about someone is whether or not they hate their parents. Then we segue into some hottt Linksi sex talk, rawr!

Archie, 10/1/11

Mr. Lodge is a master of psychological warfare; unable to prevent his daughter for dating the hated Archie, he’ll seek to dehumanize the poor lad by only referring to him as “it.”

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Also, Hoboken is an incredibly dense city that does not feature big lawns, FYI

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/29/11

While politicians and economists bicker about the best way to restart the world’s faltering economy, Herb and Jamaal dares to think outside the box, suggesting that a pornography-based monetary system might lead to more responsible spending habits.

Mary Worth, 9/29/11

Oh no! Gina’s attempts to reach Bobby are stymied by the team’s manager, who, among his many other duties, apparently gets to field random phone calls from members of the public. You might think he’s harsh in his refusal to pass along to his players the phone numbers of ladies who are holding onto an eternal love and/or who are interested in having sex with them, but you can’t argue with his results. Not every manager in this high-powered professional soccer league has earned the coveted 1st Place certificate for the team office!

Apartment 3-G, 9/29/11

“Um, Lu Ann, have you forgotten that I’m a piano mover and you’re an art teacher? The only ‘flat’ we could afford in New York would be the flat space between two flights of stairs. What do they call that? Oh, yeah, a landing. We could afford to live on a landing. And not south of the park, either.”

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Soapy Monday

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Mary Worth, 9/26/11

Ha ha, for someone who’s been leaning on Gina for weeks to go find true love with the childhood sweetheart who’s long forgotten her, Mary sure hasn’t come up with any particularly practical method to bring the two of them together. “Gina, I know that soccer stars are the biggest celebrities in the United States, and that therefore Bobby is surrounded by handlers and bodyguards at all times, with an ordinary mortal like you being incapable of getting any kind of message to him. Have you considered camping out at the arena for days in advance, so you can select the perfect seat in the front row and hope against hope that he catches a glimpse of you as he runs past?” “No, Mary, I’m thinking of a more direct way to contact him! I’ll just bribe the security staff at the hotel where he’s staying to let me into his suite, where I’ll wait in the bathroom for him, with a knife!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/26/11

Oh, snap, it looks like Spider isn’t just another one of Rex Morgan’s endless string of punk rock villains, which is great, because the only thing better than ham-fistedly evil punk rockers are ham-fistedly emo punk rockers. He’s actually going to be a way for all of us to learn about the serious problem of teenage self-harm, and how you shouldn’t call kids who need help with real psychological conditions “losers,” especially if you’re a former petty thief whose mom is a meth addict.

Apartment 3-G, 9/26/11

Hey, wait, remember how Paul bought a rundown old house in the country, because he couldn’t live with his parents forever? Well, apparently now that he’s chosen a mate, he was let in on the Linski code: all mated Linskis must live in the quarters prepared for them on the Linski cult compound … or be destroyed.