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Mary Worth, 8/4/11

As you’d probably guessed by her stunningly attractive face and ponytail, Mary’s new best friend Gina the waitress is irresistible sexual catnip to all the gross old dudes who come in to eat at her crappy diner. Seriously, look at this creepy fellow, who’s slathered on the hair dye so indiscriminately that he’s managed to get a bunch of it in his ear. He’s also given Gina what appears to be a five-digit phone number, so maybe he’s just really nervous, or playing some larger head game with her, imagining her dialing 7-3-5-6-4 and standing at the phone dumbfounded, not understanding why she hasn’t yet reached the stud she desires. But little does he know that Gina has long ago given up any hope for love … ever again. Give her all phone numbers you want, it’ll do no good!

Anyway, obviously this guy is bad because he thinks his big tip will get Gina to have sex with him. Mary, on the other hand, thinks her big tip will get her unrestricted access to Gina’s life decisions, and she’s the hero of this comic. Mary can smell a mopey word balloon a mile away, so now we know that her meddling will be of the matchmaking variety. Probably she’ll try to hook her up with Dr. Drew, because Gina’s drippy passiveness is such a pleasant change from his last girlfriend.

Apartment 3-G, 8/4/11

Tommie’s eyes are crossing as she allows herself to dwell on her favorite fantasy: having kids with Margo. Margo will be the breadwinner, and Tommie will stay at home and teach the kids that they mustn’t ever bother Margo, especially when she’s been drinking or scheming.

Garfield, 8/4/11

So, Garfield is one of those strips where all the animals are sentient and have thought balloons, right? Like probably this fish had thought balloons that we could have seen, before Garfield killed it and savagely tore its skin and flesh away from its bones? Now he Jon are looking at its corpse!

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Apartment 3-G, 8/2/11

So it’s becoming increasingly clear that Lu Ann’s ex-fiance’s wife is cousins with Lady Gaga (actual name: Stefani Germanotta), who will somehow be convinced to take time off from her fulfilling and lucrative career as a musician/provocateur to engage in some antics for little or no money at a middlebrow art gallery whose idea of a great show involved Lu Ann’s dumb paintings of ferns. This bizarre development fills me with trepidation over the A3G artist’s stubborn refusal to depict clothing that’s interesting or different from the norm in any way. Even if we just stay with the strip’s standard only-show-’em-above-the-shoulders technique, how will the art grapple with Lady Gaga’s well-known propensity for wacky hats?

Mark Trail, 8/2/11

Mark survived a vicious goose attack and discovered just why that old goose was so cranky: it had a heavy gold band around one of its legs! Look for Lost Forest to suddenly be overrun by grizzled old prospectors, attempting to strike it rich and mine the local goose population for precious metal.

IMPORTANT GEOPOLITICAL NEWS: Thanks to the many, many people who sent me definitive proof that Crankshaft is the 21st century’s greatest monster!

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Judge Parker, 8/1/11

Judge Emeritus Parker, having become a best-selling author and a world-renowned hero by falling off a building, is heading for levels of smugness unprecedented even in this strip. But watch out, judge! The ancient Greeks knew that retribution follows fast on the heels of hubris. You can’t just butter your toast without even looking at it! That way lies disaster.

Apartment 3-G, 8/1/11

I’m very sorry that we didn’t get to see dinner, with Margo sitting there sporting a secret smile while Tommie looked down at her plate in absolute silence. “I want to ask her, but … I can’t! She demands absolute silence during meals! Says my blathering interferes with her chewing.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/11

“Guess we just have to admit our husbands are inveterate criminals!”