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Apartment 3-G, 1/27/10

Poor Tommie! No human in the history of time has ever asked her to actually repeat one of her boring, forgettable actions; therefore she has no choice but to assume that Blaze is propositioning her with a request for some perverse French sex act.

Spider-Man, 1/27/10

Ha ha, it sure looks like MJ was looking forward to hanging around Miami in her industrial-grade unmentionables without her dopey husband stupiding things up, am I right? Presumably she fears that his sparkling wit (“See, the theater you’re performing in isn’t on Broadway, which is a street in Manhattan … so you might say you’re … wait for it …”) will alienate all of her theater buddies, while trips to the beach will only result in passersby recoiling in disgust from his freakishly oversized arms and nippleless torso.

Crankshaft, 1/27/10

Wow, Montoni’s must be in a more precarious position than I thought if its hated rival is a counter at the mall’s food court where the employees are forced to wear comical faux-ethnic garb. Still, it’s nice to see that Pam likes to spend time with her dad when he’s indulging in one of his favorite hobbies — insulting strangers — and that she still has visceral personal shame-spiral reactions when he lets loose with his unfocused misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 1/27/10

Whoah, it looks like today is one of the three designated days per year when someone in Mary Worth talks sense! Wilbur’s reaction implies to me that he doesn’t entirely understand how the proposed process works. “Kurt, I went to my doctor and I tested positive for paternity. Maybe you should get tested as well! You can never be too sure!”

Crock, 1/27/10

Hey, kids, remember “boom boxes”? They were like iPods, in the ’80s! As near as I can remember, they were covered with brown flesh and sparse hair and were physically attached to their owners, which explains Otis’s mistake.

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Mark Trail, 1/19/10

Since we last checked in with Mark Trail, we’ve learned that the contours of 2010’s first storyline will involve disputes over land use and land preservation and a sinister, charismatic Senator and a restaurant that serves wild game and … uh … that’s about all I can tell you. I’d like to say that you should go back and read the archives to connect those dots, but I don’t think you’ll be able to make much more sense out of it than I have, because it’s pretty incoherent. My guess is that the Mark Trail brain trust was ordered by the syndicate to tap into prevailing anti-politician sentiment by making the next villain an elected official, but since nobody involved in creating the strip understands politics outside the context of “forest law,” by necessity that part didn’t make much sense.

Anyway, now the strip is on much firmer narrative ground: rustic ruffians who want to interfere with good-hearted folks’ enjoyment of nature! “I thought we warned you to stay out of this end of the lake! We’re the Parker Brothers … do you think we’re playing a game with you?” Ha ha, get it, because … Parker Brothers … erm. Anyway, the main question now is whether these two outboard-motoring thugs will be punched separately or in a single mighty blow.

Judge Parker, 1/19/10

I haven’t been covering Judge Parker here either, but its action has been much easier to follow. Rocky and Godiva are having marital problems, so Sam convinced Rocky to stay by describing how financially ruinous their divorce would be! Sam and Abby are all smiles while discussing this, because their sexless sham marriage works out so well for them that they can’t see why others wouldn’t enjoy one as well.

Apartment 3-G, 1/19/10

“You seemed quite comfortable” is obviously newspaper-comics-we-can’t-show-it code for “your penis seemed quite comfortable … in my vagina,” which is unsettling because (a) Bobbie and the Professor have remained fully clothed and (b) there’s no furniture in this apartment, which means they must have done it up against one of Bobbie’s beloved radiators. Just in case this pills-for-sex deal wasn’t tawdry enough for you! I hate to keep bringing the pills back up, but honestly, there’s no explanation other than powerful prescription tranquilizers for the disconnect between Bobbie’s sharpening tone and her blissed out expression in the second panel.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/16/10

I guess General Halftrack is supposed to be a one-star general — he has a single star on his uniform, anyway, and it’s kind of hard to imagine him getting promoted. It now appears that he has chosen this star as his logo, as if he were a supervillain or some kind, buying an enormous and hideous stained glass star window for his front door to boast of his status as a general officer. This may also be the origin story of the general’s starry pajamas, although those may indicate that he secretly harbors fantasies of someday becoming a 147-star general.

Also, have you noticed that very few people send personal letters anymore, which means that bills and bulk mail make up of most of what you get in your mailbox? That’s pretty funny, right? Right?

Apartment 3-G, 1/16/10

Is it possible that Ruby’s friend/casual sex partner Lyle is a bit player from Mark Trail? Because she seems to have acquired that strip’s random bolding syndrome. Remember, kids, always use protection when getting intimate with a cartoon character, because you too can fall victim to the heartbreak of RBS.

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 1/16/10

Speaking of getting intimate, if you feel like your overactive libido is interfering with your life, why not print this panel out and look at it whenever you need to make those erotic feelings vanish in a puff of disgust? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my mustache for the next nine hours.