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Comments of the week coming in the not-so-distant future, as ever I have some items of interest. First, it’s been far too long since we had some merch pics! Faithful reader Mooncattie has been baffling the Europeans with his fine Comics Curmudgeon gear! Here he is showing off his Gail Martin shirt in the Swiss Alps:

And here he is sporting his Cassandra Cat shirt in Prague:

Also! Faithful reader Elle wrote me with this tidbit:

I “inherited” (read: liberated) a bunch of old sci-fi books from one of
my cousins, and one of them contains a line that may haunt me forever.
In “The Complete Story Of One Of Star Trek’s Most Popular Episodes
‘The Trouble With Tribbles'” (I think the book itself may just be
named “The Trouble With Tribbles”, but it is hard to tell), David
Gerrold talks about Gene Roddenberry’s vision of the series:

“Gene Roddenberry envisioned Star Trek as ‘Hornblower in Space’, the
adventures of a kind of interstellar Mary Worth, traveling from planet
to planet, solving problems and exploring the universe…”

Personally, I feel the 1960s Trek uniforms would blend right in at Charterstone.

And! This note comes from faithful reader Happythoughtindeed:

I was shopping with my husband at Taft Furniture in Colonie, NY and was stunned to see an entire partitioned-off section devoted to and entitled Apt. 3-G. It is a section devoted solely to hip apartment furniture. Large signage inside boasted black and white photos of three young, hip chicks, two light hair and one dark haired, laughing and walking arm-in-arm with shopping bags over their shoulders. Apparently, this huge furniture outlet has designed an entire section and inventory after the Apt 3-G comic strip.

Here is a link! Apparently, Apt 3-G is far hipper than any of us realized. Who knew? I’m quite chagrinned.

And! if you live within spittin’ distance of Minnesota’s Twin Cities, you’ll probably want to check out this gallery show of comic art. (Thanks to faithful reader Carl for the tip.)

And finally, I’m presenting, for what I think is the first time, something I got from a syndicate publicist. But I love Lio and I love lookalike contests, so: Lio lookalike contest, everybody!

And now, at long last, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Is it me or do all the pictures of raccoons having fun not quite match up with the text there? It’s almost like Elrod went on another ‘How cool are raccoons? Wouldn’t you like a pet that washed its hands in the river?’ trip, and the syndicate just edited over it. ‘Okay, here where he wrote ‘Raccoons love grapes, much like I love wine,’ just put something about how many people get bitten by raccoons every year. Dammit, Elrod.'” –Windier E. Megatons

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“In today’s last panel, Coach Thorp is veering dangerously close to honest introspection that might not end with, ‘God, I’m awesome.’ But I trust Gil to bring it around, even if it kills him. And by ‘him,’ I mean Marty, of course.” –Sock Puppet

“The most terrifying thing on the comics page today is that ellipsis in panel two; it threatens us with the prospect of Delilah’s note continuing tomorrow.” –buckyswife

“I’m more interested in the legal system today’s Shoe seems to imply. Apparently, lobsters are entitled to some sort of trial, and only the lobsters who have committed truly vicious crimes are sentenced to be eaten. This also raises the question as to what happens to birds who commit violent offenses. Are they fed to the lobsters in the parallel, but segregated and never shown, talking-lobster civilization?” –Justin

“I think we should all take a moment to congratulate Bernice on her very first sexual thought. Judging by panel three of today’s Luann, the concept of sexuality finally hit her out of nowhere, like a freight train of pure Australian beef. Meanwhile, Luann’s look of dull surprise (dull sexuality?) never once wavers in the face of Bernice’s obvious arousal. Good gravy, how I love this comic.” –Dan

“Mary may have a look of smug satisfaction, but what did she do? Fire a few platitude bombs that bounced harmlessly off Delilah’s horny hide? When you get right down to it, Delilah meddled herself.” –gnome de blog

“One can only hope that in her rush to leave the stultifying cloisters of Charterstone Delilah left her entire wardrobe behind.” –Fashion Police

“Boy, whenever I say ‘He’s a hurt and hostile kid’ I want to take MY shirt off.” –Isaac

“I don’t find Mimi’s buttocks in the second frame particularly spectacular. But Gil probably does, judging by his ‘hit bottom’ comment. Next he’d say: ‘All that kid needs is a good kick in the ass. I mean, I really wish I could pound a tale of hope into his head. A pirate plunders booty … fucking hell, can we please just get our Tuesday night coupling out of the way while our children are still passed out from malnutrition in the basement?’ (Gil can’t get it up so well when they make the scratching noises.)” –lunarhalo

“If the armory is a rockin’, does that mean the reservists on duty shouldn’t come knockin’?” –un malpaso

“Oh for crying out loud. THEY ARE BIRDS. Horrible, filthy birds. We are lucky Shoe and his pal, the fishhawk, aren’t depicted pecking the eyes and claws off the struggling crustaceans whilst shrieking deafeningly like the rapacious beady-eyed monsters they are. KEEE! KEEEE!” –Jumper

“Let’s not forget how nicely dressed Mary is as she reads the aftermath of her meddling. Pearls always accessorize so nicely with stepping in between two incredibly stupid people.” –Daveh

“Today’s Mary Worth is the most disorienting thing I’ve seen in the comics in years. I swear I thought Charley was listening to Rodgers & Hammerstein and watching old home movies of his parents, who just happen to be Marcus Welby, MD, and Mary. It’s all so clear — Charley is their love child that they abandoned years ago. Charley searched the country to find his true mother, and moved to Charterstone just to be near her. But Mary couldn’t accept him. Indeed, she is enraged by his very presence, sending Charley spiraling downward in a vicious cycle of porn, show tunes, and hitting on borderline psychotic women in patterned tights.” –Lawyerbob

“See, what elevates Mary Worth above the average Chick tract is that Jack Chick’s villains only ended up in Hell, not quietly weeping to 50’s musicals. Somehow, this is more harrowing.” –Chromium

“Can you imagine it being your job to read through old Gil Thorp strips for dangling plotlines to follow up upon? Go back a couple of posts and look at those Gil Thorp collections again. ‘What are you doing today, Neil?’ ‘Well, I’m going to pore over Rockin’ the Armory to find some open threads I can resolve in the strip. When I’m done with that, I’m going to have a root canal on a perfectly healthy tooth, just for the practice.'” –Cranky

[in response to above]: “Well, heck, if Neil ever steps down, I’ll volunteer. I’ll deliver even more wacky Kaz plotlines, that’s for sure. I don’t really understand football, but I doubt that would make a noticeable difference to the strip.” –AirForbes

“Speaking of Broadway, do you remember when Javier Bardem glued Ritz Crackers to his neck and played the title role in Peter Pan? If not, A3G will remind you.” –Joe Blevins

“The supervillain Oliver, grown up from the Brady Bunch and wreaking havoc on those critics who wronged him, accosts the mutant-hero, Bluebeard, asking him a technical question. Unfortunately, as all supervillains do, Oliver has mistaken the product for the inventor; one might as well ask a box of Twinkies how to make the ‘Magic Kreme’ that lies at their center!” –un malpaso

“Also: Pluggers are illiterates whose history books consist solely of pictures.” –Judas Peckerwood

“Today’s Family Circus is the one that finally proves the strip has no class. Why not ‘Barfy’s never had so many trees from which to choose?’ Comics are terribly base these days.” –Asterion

“We’re missing the obvious. Marmaduke is a crime scene.” –Sequitur

“I think the writers of Mark Trail are confusing popularity with the willingness to skin a critter and wear its pelt as a hat.” –NoahSnark

“In this current economy, it’s good to know that the Powers family of South Dakota is doing all that it can to keep the kerchief industry strong. Well, kerchiefs and incestuous porn tapes.” –Dingo

“So if I interpret Cathy correctly, her words of comfort to her husband essentially amount to ‘You needn’t worry about your preternaturally ancient appearance and ludicrous hairstyle because your head is the least grotesque thing about you.’ Cold, but probably accurate. (I say probably because I mean, look at them; who knows?)” –Violet

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

• Why is Matt Damon on Aniboom?: Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman, and Josh Brolin have recorded exclusive readings for animators to use in fresh art and animation! Be on the lookout for Aniboom’s Marvel Motion Comics Competition launching Aug 24!

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Slylock Fox, 8/9/09

Of all the unfairly persecuted victims in Slylock Fox, Count Weirdly is clearly the most unfairly persecuted. Gosh, he’s developed some sort of revolutionary hologram chamber than can create what appears to be real environments out of thin air, and Slylock is complaining that every detail isn’t perfect? What sort of anal-retentive jerk would insist that the world created in such a holochamber should mimic reality as closely as possible, anyway? If you want to see owls with regular claws, you can just go out into the woods. If you want to see owls with webbed feet, though, you’ll need to go pay $125 an hour to enter the Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™. (FINE PRINT: Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™ customers will be eaten by alligators.)

Family Circus, 8/9/09

My favorite part of this cartoon is Mommy’s disgruntled look, as she knows that she’ll be responsible for dealing with the aftermath of Daddy’s terrifying tales. “Who’s going to go down to the river and wash all this soiled underwear by hand?” “Not me!”

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

This strip seems like a desperate attempt to make amends for the spike in rabies treatments that resulted from last year’s insane “Sneaky the raccoon is a delightful pet” storyline. “Remember, kids, if you’re concerned about rabies, only allow non-rabid raccoons to live with you in your house! They’ll still hoard all of your shiny objects in a nest in your crawlspace and viciously scratch at your face if you try to take them back, though.”

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 8/9/09

“Yes, Cody, I’ll miss all the ‘rides’ with you. Oh, and the horse too. Once again, Margo’s problems mean enforced celibacy for everyone else!”

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Apartment 3-G, 8/5/09

Gabriella may be a crazed, superstitious ethnic stereotype, but she does exhibit a little bit of her daughter’s unsentimental steeliness when necessary. Specifically, she knows that there’s nothing that wimpy, ineffectual Tommie can do to help anybody, anywhere, at any time. “I know, I’ll have her call the other idiot roommate! That will keep the two of them busy for hours, as Tommie tries to explain that Eric is dead without using the word ‘dead.'”

Speaking of which, have you noticed that nobody is using the word “dead” when referring to Eric? Just “gone.” Maybe it’s because you can’t use the word “dead” on the comics page, or maybe it’s because Eric isn’t really dead at all, and years from now they’ll find his perfectly preserved body at the bottom of a ravine, kept in a state of suspended animation by the Himalayan snows. Like Wally in Funky Winkerbean, he’ll return to find Margo engaged to someone else, except that it will be more confusing because her new fiance will look exactly like Eric, and exactly like the other four fiances she’s had over the intervening years.

Gil Thorp, 8/5/09

Speaking of long-term soap plotting, kudos to Neil Rubin for following up on a story whose seeds were apparently planted seven years ago by previous Gil Thorp writer (and Left Behind series co-author) Jerry Jenkins. (Kudos also to faithful reader AirForbes for digging that factoid up). Back then, Marty told Milford’s trainer that Coach Thorp wanted him to get a cortisone shot — but we never actually saw Gil make this call, and now he’s denying everything.

Could this be related to the fact that today’s strip is a flashback to events that happened between panels one and two of yesterday’s strip, complete with a flashback-within-a-flashback? Is this going to set up a Rashomon-style story of conflicting narratives, except instead of being about rape and murder, the narratives will involve cortisone shots, and accusations of cortisone shots?

Mary Worth, 8/5/09

The quiet aftermath of a successful meddle. Mary sits alone in her apartment, eyes closed, transported to a state of pure bliss by the reinforcement of heteronormative monogamy. Meanwhile, a disconsolate Charley watches South Pacific on his magical floating television set while pounding back another glass of Milk of Magnesia. Will he even bother to take off his socks before he makes a desultory attempt at masturbation?

Spider-Man, 8/5/09

Many Spider-Man fans are no doubt unnerved by this strip’s wholly unexpected descent into actual superpowered adventure, so let me bring you back to your safe place by discussing something goofy and inconsequential: Wolverine’s beard. “What’s the deal with Wolverine’s beard?” many of you have asked throughout the duration of this storyline. “Why does he have blue dots on his chin?” As near as I can tell, the deal is this: Wolverine has resplendent, Martin Van Buren-style muttonchops; he also doesn’t shave very often (despite having razor-sharp claws that would no doubt do a fine job of it) and therefore has a great deal of stubble. Whoever is coloring this strip has decided to color his hair and muttonchops blue, which, fine, it’s far from the most insane possibility. But said colorist apparently also was unable to get his or her head around the idea of “muttonchops.” “What, a beard that grows only on the cheeks, but not upon the chin?” he or she muttered to him or herself, in his or her coloring sweatshop. “Outlandish and absurd! Impossible!” Thus, the colorist has stubbornly annexed Logan’s chin stubble to his beard, making the bristles the same blue color as his muttonchops, and, for reasons even I can’t explain, leaving the expanse of skin between the bristles pure white instead of a fleshy pink. The results are laughable, as you can see, but perhaps not as laughable as tough-guy Wolverine using “blasted” as if it were a swear word.

Mark Trail, 8/5/09

“Of course, Mr. Trail is cheerfully running around the forest right now with his dog trying to apprehend a dangerous armed criminal with only his fists and his inappropriate use of bold font. I’m beginning to think that maybe I shouldn’t put full credence in the deranged nonsense that comes out of his mouth!”