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Mark Trail, 10/30/07

See, we’re only two days into the Amazing Adventures of Johnny Malotte, L’Homme d’Extérieur, and it’s already a gazillion times more amusing than dumb old Homer and the Shirleys can ever dream of being. I sincerely hope that in every single panel in which Johnny appears, he has several of his innumerable offspring draped over him, so as to indicate what a crowded, Soylent Green-type hellscape the Malotte compound is. The first panel of today’s installment shows us the dangers of backwoods inbreeding, as Johnny’s freakishly thick torso towers over his presumably high-school-aged son; either Johnny is a Paul Bunyan-like forest giant, or his son is a borderline little person (though perfectly proportioned, it should be noted).

Meanwhile, the idea that Tiny Malotte is going to have satisfy every whim of some pair of rich city businessmen in order to get the associate’s degree he needs to escape this overcrowded cabin forever is too, too delicious. Look for him to run afoul of Mark as he desperately tries to find hookers and blow in Lost Forest.

Apartment 3-G, 10/30/07

Oh, man, I had completely forgotten that Margo was running an event planning business! And, from the look of things, so did Margo. I wonder if Eric, like the wealthy and powerful everywhere, has expected Margo to drop everything else in her life now that he’s made her part of his business empire. I know we keep waiting in vain for an apocalyptic Eric-Margo conflict, but perhaps if he discovers that his new gallery manager is moonlighting organizing awards banquets for bleeding hearts, we might get one step closer.

B.C., 10/30/07

This is actually a fairly amusing cartoon for those with memories of and investment in the B.C. cast of characters, which, unfortunately for B.C., is pretty much nobody at this point. What I want to know is JESUS GOD WHOSE LEG IS THAT DANGLING LIMPLY FROM THE BACK OF THE SHELL?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/30/07

“Well, here we are … the brand new exposition in the exposition!”

“Thanks for bringing us here, Cindy … I really exposition to Funky to exposition.”

“I’m sure he won’t mind his exposition stopping by for the big exposition either!”

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Argh, those Sunday strips are so big! Let’s take them on in bite-sized chunks.

Apartment 3-G, 10/28/07

Yes, Ruby, and if your mad cosmetological skills don’t land you a hairdressing job, your mad unbearably-white-deployment-of-verging-on-outdated-slang skills should land you a role in that new off-Broadway production, Diff’rent Strokes: The Musical.

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 10/28/07

“I wish you got more to give me, Beetle. I wish you would just turn around and say ‘I love you, Sarge,’ never mind the consequences. But you don’t got the guts. So I’ll just stand here with my hand on your shoulder, your tight-football-pants-clad butt just inches from my crotch, for a few minutes. That’s all I’ve got. I wish I got more.”

Portion of the Family Circus, 10/28/07

I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the thought that daddy’s work pants are tattered and stained with cut-rate gin and urine, or the thought that daddy’s work pants are bright pink and end just below the bottom of his butt cheeks.

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/28/07

“Normal humans have nothing to fear from our friends the owls! However, horrible mutants — like this freakish, big-foreheaded specimen here — will be subject to vicious, merciless owl attacks. Remember, owls are your town’s first line of defense against mutant incursions!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 10/28/07

I guess those motion lines around Dr. Jeff’s head are supposed to indicate that he’s taking a deep, hearty quaff of whatever hard liquor he’s surreptitiously poured into his coffee mug, but they look more like bobble lines of shock and horror to me. Combined with his wide eyes, I imagine he’s thinking, “Wait, it isn’t? God damn it, woman, you know that if my son’s involved in this stupid comic strip, I need to show up in it every once in a while as well. Why can’t the plots involve Chinbeard and his trophy wife for once? Who are they sleeping with to get out of their contractually mandated number of appearances in this nightmare?”

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Apartment 3-G, 10/27/07

“Yeah, Eric, I’m in kind of a smack … er, spot! Could I have an advance on my junk … er, I mean, on my pay? I just moved into a new apartment and I need to buy sweet, sweet heroin to inject into my veins … uh, that is, some new furniture! Yeah, that’s it, horse. I mean furniture.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/07

“Look, Niki, let’s have an understanding. When I ask you to do something out here — no matter how weird, or wrong, or erotically charged and transgressive it may seem — please do it! Remember, I’m the doctor and you’re the kid who’s too dumb to avoid falling into a river, so obviously I know best.”

Marmaduke, 10/27/07

I am more grateful than I can describe that we’re seeing Marmaduke from the back here.