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Archie, 7/3/06

I have a deep, dark confession to make: when I was a kid, I was really obsessed with Archie comics. There’s something about them that makes the teenage lifestyle seem especially fun and glamorous to a 9-to-11-year-old. You think that high school’s going to be about dating and friends and wacky contests, rather than humiliation and social exclusion. I’ve always been afraid to revisit Archie since for fear of being horrified at my own terrible tweenage taste. Still, it took this brilliant article at the Onion AV Club to make it clear to me that not only does Archie completely fail to capture anything resembling authentic teenage experience, but it’s actually written by adults who harbor active contempt for young people.

Anyway, I recently started reading the Archie newspaper strip, since it’s available at the Houston Chronicle Web site. I’d like to believe that I’d have recognized at least this iteration of the Archie mythos as deeply lame even when I was 10, but I have my doubts. I offer today’s installment for examination only because it illustrates the casualness with which the strip discards the characters’ long-established, deeply-held values. Specifically: Jughead has a job? For which he takes off his hat? What the hell?

Apartment 3-G, 7/3/06

Um, she hooked up with some guy who wasn’t her husband? C’mon, Tommie, keep up.

Incidentally, I think that as a nurse, Tommie has a moral obligation to set a good health example for the America’s young comic-reading public. In particular, she shouldn’t take long, soul-searching walks in the pouring rain without a hat. I’ve experienced some hard times and heartbreak in my life, and never once when I was at a low state did I say, “Hey, you know what would make me feel better? Going outside for hours and getting cold and soaking wet! Yeah!” Call me an old stick in the mud, but I’m quite capable of moping inside with a cup of hot chocolate.

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Well, the suspense is over and I’ve picked the winner. I have to say that it was incredibly hard and part of the reason that I’ve taken so long to pick the winner is that they were all so good. In a very real sense, you’re all winners! But in an even realer sense, only one of you is the winner, and that one of you is “Lucy Van Pelt,” whose entry just seemed to exude a certain je ne sais Margo to me. For mug purposes, I’ve filled in her word balloon:

And yes, this mug is now available at my store at CafePress! Click here to order yours! Lucy herself will of course be getting a free mug in the mail.

In addition, as promised, Dave Willis‘s super-awesome Margo Warhol graphic is going on a t-shirt:

The colors of this graphic seem to work perfectly with CafePress’s new black t-shirt. They’ve just introduced black tees at CafePress and say they can’t guarantee delivery times. Hopefully it won’t take too long, as I’m definitely ordering one of these for myself!

Again, judging this contest was really, really hard for me, and of course my final decision was to a certain extent arbitrary. Perhaps you’d like to see one of the other contestants on a mug or garment of your choice! If so, just e-mail me and I’ll send you a high-quality image of any of the other photos and drawings submitted. (Here’s the lot of them, for reference.) You can then upload them to CafePress yourself and make your own counter-winner. You’ll stick it to the man! (Meaning me.)

Since I was updating my store anyway, I took the opportunity to do a little housecleaning. I’ve added a couple of new shirt styles. The first is for anyone who loves double entendres and public domain clip art.

Work it, people, work it! (If this baffles you, click here and scroll down for the context for this quote.) This shirt is available for the gents and the ladies.

And, finally, if you want to cement your status as an above-it-all hipster with a t-shirt bearing an incomprehensible slogan, check this out:

Wear this shirt to remind you where to find more information about licorice. (Again, you can click here to learn more about learning more about licorice, but it doesn’t make a ton more sense in context.) This t-shirt is great fun for a boy or a girl.

There are still classic Comics Curmudgeon garments at the store, of course: Brick House exercise gear, a Fence Post Frank hat, Canadian Jive-Talkin’ intimate wear, and, of course, “More Zippers, Mule!” Check it out!

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Mary Worth, 6/28/06

I must admit that I’m a little puzzled about what might not “go well” and extend Dr. Jeff’s stay in Cambodia. Is he concerned that three months might not be enough time to repair every cleft palate in the country? Is he worried that one of the 152 heroin-filled condoms he plans to swallow is going to burst while he’s in the air? Does he think his charisma might be so overwhelming that he’ll inevitably become the head of an apocalyptic rebel movement that worships him as a god? Is “Cambodia” a code word for “the next town over, after I’ve done the painstaking work of changing my identity?”

In her grief, Mary has joined the “people who stab themselves in the throat with off-colored food-style substances” club.

Apartment 3-G, 6/28/06

This, on the other hand, makes total sense. Hey, Tommie and Lu Ann, you wanna know why this site has a “Finger Quotin’ Margo” contest and not a “Head Bobblin’ Lu Ann and Tommie” contest? You wanna know why you’re losers and Margo’s a winner? This is why. Seeing Margo utter the phrase “parading her hottie boyfriend” is like having a present you’d wanted all your life, but not realizing how much you needed it until you received it. In all the excitement of rubbing her roommate’s faces in things, you can understand why she’s neglected her morning hair dying. That’s OK, Margo; the salt-and-pepper look becomes you.

Speaking of the Finger Quotin’ Margo contest … I fear I must confess that I’m having a very busy week, work-wise and otherwise, and can’t dedicate the psychic energy required to really judge effectively, so look for the contest’s resolution early next week. Honest. But in the mean time, here’s some stuff to entertain you. Faithful reader Kaycee sent me one of the most awesome objects ever put together with stuff purchased at the dollar store: the Finger Quotin’ Margo Action Figure!

Note the strings, which you can use for true finger-quotin’ action. Also note the hooker boots.

“Josh,” you might be saying, “I think your stalling makes you lame, but I guess I can’t make you come up with a winner on my schedule. But still, I’ve got a yen to compete! What sort of contest-y things can I get involved in?”

Well, I’m glad you asked. First off, if it’s lookalike contests you crave, why not head over to Drink At Work’s Medium Large Guy Lookalike Contest? It won’t make much sense if you don’t already read the stellar Medium Large Web comic, but you really ought to be doing that anyway, as it’s been on fire lately. Thrill to the adventures of Victorian-Era Superhero (the summer replacement for Teenage Girl President), check out T.O.D.D.’s special brand of whimsy, and peek behind the scenes at new character development. You’ll be glad you did!

The next option is a bright idea from commentor Fred P., and I can’t say it any better than him:

Well, I’m sure we may be all — I know I am! — suffering from the early whiplash symptoms of contest-o-mania after the whirlwind of excitement, heat and flash that was the FQ’nML-A-L Contest, but I sure got my sporting blood flowing. So allow me to humbly suggest one more competition. Now, we can’t impose upon Josh the burden of adjudicating, because he has already taken on the unenviable task of choosing between a field of such staggering perfection that my mind, for one, is truly boggled. So, why not have the brain trust at, say, chiefplugr@aol.com be our next judge? What I am proposing, ladies and gentlemen, is a race. A race to see which of us will be the first to have a submission featured in either TDIET or Pluggers! So make up some preposterous nincompoopery now! Submit early! Submit often! Remember, you have nothing to lose. And if you win, you will revel in eternal glory! Eternal that is until next Thursday, when the recyclers pick the old newspapers up. Oh yeah!

Good luck — and Godspeed!

(And on that note, I might direct your attention to “Crap Every Time, a new blog dedicated to mocking TDIET full-time. All I can say is that I admire the dedication and personal sacrifice required.)