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Funky Winkerbean, 4/29/13

Oh, hey, it looks like it’s a long-absent father party at Funky Winkerbean! First Darrin’s bio-dad took up residence in a local motel, determined to ruin everybody’s lives by being a jerk in some ill-defined way, and now Jessica is determine to find her own dad, John Darling. SPOILER: HER DAD IS IN A CEMETERY SOMEWHERE, OR PERHAPS A COLUMBARIUM, BECAUSE HE IS DEAD. He was the main character in a Funkyverse spin-off strip drawn by Marvin creator Tom Armstrong. The title character was a hilariously clueless TV newsman, and, according to Wikipedia, when Tom Batuik got into a dispute with the syndicate over ownership rights to the character, he just had the guy stone cold murdered in the strip’s second-to-last installment! Les later solved the crime in Funky Winkerbean, and last we had heard about the whole thing was two years ago when Jessica said she was making a documentary about him. So I guess Jessica has suddenly remembered that she was supposed to be doing that? Or maybe she’s going to dig up her father’s corpse and reanimate it using dark magic and/or perverse science, so it can defeat Darrin’s bio-dad in single dad-on-dad combat.

Archie, 4/29/13

Is Unbearably Smug Archie a thing in whatever era of Newspaper Comic Strip Archie we’re in the midst of now? Anyway, Archie really is looking unbearably smug in that last panel, presumably because he’s been waiting all day to unleash this terrible pun on somebody. Or maybe multiple somebodies, as the guy in the hat in the foreground of the first panel looks like someone who just heard a terribly pun smugly delivered.

Apartment 3-G, 4/29/13

Governor Pete is determined to bed Lu Ann, so now he’s upped his game to some next-level mind trickery. “Peter, I generally find you distasteful and skeezy, so…” “Stop saying that sentence Lu Ann! What would you say if I asked you to … watch a movie with me?” “THE GOVERNOR GOES TO THE MOVIES LIKE AN ORDINARY HUMAN OH MY GOD THE IMAGE IS SO SURPRISING I LITERALLY CAN’T HOLD ANY OTHER THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW LIKE THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW GROSS AND TRANSPARENT THE GOVERNOR IS ABOUT WANTING TO DO ME”

Spider-Man, 4/29/13

Yes, obviously the cleverest place to hide your secret lair is on a tiny island that’s also a high-profile national park visited by 1.3 million people a year! Probably the best thing you can say about Newspaper Spider-Man as a hero is that he rises to the level of competition provided by his villains.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/25/13

Hey, it’s Doris, Margo/the Mills Gallery’s mousy assistant who married some guy who I think might have originally been presented as a love interest for Margo or maybe Lu Ann, who can even remember now. Anyway, Doris must not really be up on “current events” or whatever if she can’t recognize the governor standing right in front of her or notice what I’m sure is his sizable security entourage lurking around outside. Then again, you can forgive her for being confused, seeing as he looks just like all other dark-haired Apartment 3-G dudes, including her husband.

“Can I tell her who’s calling? Can anyone? Can anyone explain what’s going on? You all look alike to me! Jack? Jack, is that you?”

Momma, 4/25/13

Momma is politically and culturally retrograde in any number of unsettling ways, but give the strip credit for this: the title character is just as intent on policing her son’s sexuality as she is on policing her daughter’s, if not more so. And, you know, I’m all for casual sex, but I might start getting testy too if I had a kid who called up a bunch of people in rapid succession to find out if they’re DTF tonight while I’m right there in the room with him.

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Mark Trail, 4/22/13

Mark and Wes are off to go “look at some sheep” (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about sex with sheep) and they’re a little worried about leaving the ladies alone! Don’t fret, fellas, they’ll be fine, just fine, having a grand old time stone cold shooting at things. Better make a lot of noise as you approach the camp when you come back! They might get a little trigger happy (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about them getting crazed with bloodlust and pumping anything that moves full of hot lead).

Apartment 3-G, 4/22/13

Margo usually doesn’t think about niceties like “sleep” or “working tomorrow” when there’s a hot piece of duly elected man meat in her sights, but for once she’s sticking to the girl-bro code. She and Lu Ann promised each other they’d double-team the governor, and she’s not going in alone!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/22/13

Man, even the butterflies are aggressive and foul-mouthed in Hootin’ Holler.