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Apartment 3-G, 6/29/10

Wait, Ari was in the army? You’d think that his megaphone-wielding drill sergeant would have instilled enough discipline in him that he wouldn’t have become a pills-for-sex peddler in his old age. My guess is that his army service was actually a cover for his CIA work, and that the Company had him conducting MK-ULTRA mind control experiments. Ari’s involvement in that program would explain why all of those experiments failed.

Family Circus, 6/29/10

Jeffy, why do you hate America? Billy will beat some patriotism into you, in 3/4 time.

Mary Worth, 6/29/10

“Yeah, I don’t care how awkward that segue was. I am not talking about Mary fucking Worth on this date.”

Archie, 6/29/10

Jughead is breaking off his affair with Archie, because Archie is terrible in bed.

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Mary Worth, 6/17/10

The best thing about today’s Mary Worth is that the handsome young man in Mary’s thought balloon has an entirely different hair color than our Dr. Roberts. There are two hilarious possibilities as to why. Perhaps Mary’s mind is starting to go, and she can’t really remember what her acquaintances look like and just gets them mixed up with people she saw on TV. Or maybe the entire Dr. Roberts sequence was a narrative red herring, and she’s planning to match Jenna up with someone else entirely. “I think this sullen young woman and ol’ ‘Black Irish’ Donoghue might make an acceptable couple! Obviously I’ll be saving that yummy doctor for myself.”

The other best thing about today’s Mary Worth is how deeply upset Jenna looks by the turn this conversation has taken. “Wait, wait, is this old bag trying to set me up with somebody? Oh, hell no. I should know better than to make eye contact with anyone at any of these damn geezer parties.”

Marmaduke, 10/17/10

Ha ha, protest all you want, Phil, but Marmaduke demands your utmost obedience and worship, today and every day, lest you end up a meal, like the neighbors that you’ve carefully prepared and served up to him this afternoon. The infant’s femur bone decorating the lid of the serving tray is a particularly gruesome touch.

Mark Trail, 10/17/10

Sassy doesn’t look too concerned by these developments! Perhaps she’s eager for the sweet embrace of death, if the alternative is going back to live with Rusty.

Archie, 10/17/10

Wow, a tire being replaced by a skateboard! That would sure be mildly amusing to see! But you could just show us … Betty and Reggie talking about it … I guess … wait, did this Archie strip actually make me want to see a lame visual gag that I almost certainly would have sneered at, had it just been depicted in a straightforward fashion? Clever, very clever.

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Slylock Fox, 6/10/10

Ed Power of My Cage has frequently teased us with hints that someday we will learn what happened to all the humans and how his strip came to be populated entirely by anthropomorphic animals. But Slylock, with its more atomized narrative, just sort of takes the new biosphere as a given. Still, today’s Six Differences could be offering a glimpse at the precise moment when the dominance of H. Sapiens over the planet began to falter. A cheerful bird began to attack a gentleman’s newspaper; a freakishly huge spider terrified a nearby child; another bird sat on a rooftop, watching, waiting; and, before anyone could really understand the hows or whys, canines were in charge of law enforcement and Slick Smitty and his few remaining fellow humans were reduced to running petty scams in order to survive in the New Animal Order.

Archie, 6/10/10

What was the cause of humanity’s decline? Panel one of today’s Archie may have an answer. Can you explain what exactly is going on anatomically between Jughead’s feet and his head? Human civilization presumably collapsed either because of rampant genetic abnormalities or pervasive hallucinogenic use.