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Spider-Man, 5/24/10

The final deadly confrontation between Spider-Man and Sabretooth that we’ve all been waiting for has at last arrived — only to be derailed by the appearance of Wolverine. Since Sabretooth was only harassing the web-slinger to find his brother, I assume that Spidey and Mary Jane can now quietly leave the theater and let this family spat work itself out. Whew, another opportunity for superheroics thankfully avoided!

Note that Wolverine learned a little about living the good life from his earlier encounter with Spider-Man: his villainous brother was apparently unable to track him down because he’s been spending his time in his apartment, watching television. I am impressed that he’s no longer sneaking into the back of trucks and instead is flying commercial when he needs to travel long distances.

Slylock Fox, 5/24/10

I’m not sure if we’ve ever seen Dumpy Dog before, and thus the strip doesn’t trust us to automatically assume he’s guilty, even though he displays the poor posture and grooming endemic to the Slylock Fox rogues gallery. “Look, we’ve already done the legwork on this one, OK?” the strip is essentially telling us. “Just count the damn spiders.” I guess this is how Max feels, all the time?

Archie, 5/24/10

Archie’s dad remembers a day when youth were afire with literary passions! They stayed up late at fashionable salons, smoking and drinking wine and arguing the merits of the latest Booker Prize winner until the wee hours. They really believed that prose could change the world, and thus it’s terribly depressing to him that the next generation sees in printed matter only utility. There is a cold majesty to the practical advice in the books Archie reads, but the magic that once animated his father’s days is long gone.

Family Circus, 5/24/10

Speaking of the death of enchantment, the Keane Kids are so crushed by omnipresent corporate culture that their very souls are stunted. The transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly, once a source of such wonder to so many generations of children, has in their minds been reduced to an act no more interesting than the elevation of a group coordinator to an assistant regional manager. One imagines the chrysalis bursting open and the butterfly shaking its wings free, only to settle into a cubicle just slightly larger than the one it left, under the glow of the same harsh fluorescent lighting, wondering if this was really worth all the striving.

Jumble, 5/24/10

Now here’s a kid who hasn’t lost his belief in magic. “Remember, if you see your presents before your birthday, they’ll vanish into the ether! And mommy will know you’ve been naughty, and will kill you with her mind.”

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Mark Trail, 4/17/10

One of my favorite things about Mark Trail is that its plotting seems to demonstrate a complete lack of familiarity with how this country — or any other, for that matter — is actually in practice governed. Usually this ignorance is most obvious when it comes to law enforcement, which in this strip mostly consists of forest rangers who lead off ne’er-do-wells who Mark has punched into submission; but things tend to get extra hilarious when the plot’s focus moves to actual government bodies. Longtime readers will remember the exciting eminent domain plotline, in which a zoning hearing that would in real life have taken place in the course of some deathly dull meeting of the county legislature incomprehensibly took the form of a dramatic jury trial. And today, it looks like we’re going to see two wholly unrelated matters — a zoning proposal to restrict float planes and motorboats on a lake that may or may not be publicly owned, who knows, and a criminal complaint about a vicious gang of backwoods poachers who are holding the north end of said lake under a reign of terror — get resolved by some ill-defined gathering of white dudes in suits in some mahogany-paneled room. Who are these men? What power do they wield? Will they be putty in Mark’s hands once he shows him the shocking photos in that manila folder? One of these questions is easy to answer.

Of course, it’s wholly possible that Jack Elrod deliberately refuses to depict government realistically because he recognizes no political authority other than the NOAA as legitimate.

Archie, 4/17/10

Archie, the comics’ most notorious man-whore, is clearly trying to figure out if even he would fuck a small, disk-shaped robot.

Luann, 4/17/10

OH MY GOD TIFFANY AND GUNTHER ARE TOTALLY GOING TO LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY TO EACH OTHER EVERYBODY! I find this prospect distasteful, not least because their clashing grid-shirts will induce terrible headaches if they get any closer to each other.

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Archie, 4/16/10

The most disturbing thing about this Archie is Mr. Svenson’s lonely workboot, which has been abandonned in mid-hallway along with his tools. Is the comical Scandinavian laborer enjoying his break wearing only a single boot, walking with a weirdly asymmetrical gait according to the dictates of Nordic fashion or sensibilities? Or is this boot just the first in a trail of discarded items, which, if we were to follow it, would include his other boot, his hat, his overalls, and his underpants, until we would eventually find him running around stark naked, shouting mock-Swedish gibberish and horrifying the students?

Actually, now that I think about it, that’s only the second-most disturbing thing about this Archie. The most disturbing thing is the punchline. Ha ha, Archie and Jughead are terrified because they think that Mr. Weatherbee is going to beat them with hammer!

I fully approve of Mr. Weatherbee’s white suit and tie/black shirt ensemble. When that full-on ’80s fashion revival arrives, he will be ready.

Family Circus, 4/16/10

I find today’s Family Circus particularly repulsive for reasons I can’t put my finger on. It may be because I hate broccoli with a fiery passion, and that sometimes I think back to times when I ate it, by accident or under duress, and I too can still taste it, just like Jeffy does, oh my God it never goes away, the broccoli taste. Anyway, I now have something in common with Jeffy, so there’s that to deal with as well.