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Archie, 12/18/08

So, I had copied today’s Archie into Photoshop and was considering whether to do some commentary about how the AJGLU 3000 has learned to distract us from its robo-jokes with drawings of what its cybernetic circuits consider to be a pretty girl, then thought, “Eh, didn’t I do that joke already?” (turns out I did) and was just getting ready to close the window on my desktop when I caught sight of Archie’s t-shirt.

Oh … oh my.

See, for those of you who are new (or even those of you who aren’t — the AJGLU 3000 is one of my older running jokes and I can’t remember the last time I spelled it out), I became convinced early in my Archie-newspaper-comics-reading that the strip was created by an antiquated computer of some sort that almost, but not quite, understood humor and human interaction in general, which explains why the strip and its jokes exist in some sort of uncanny valley of comicry. I dubbed this hypothetical device the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000. (You can even buy the t-shirt!) And now, the day I’ve longed feared as arrived: the AJGLU 3000’s Web-crawling programs have discovered this site, and it’s sending me a message through its daily graphical output.

But what could it mean? By placing the universal “no” sign through its own name (well, the abbreviation of its model number, same diff), does it express some inner mechanical self-loathing? Is it saying, in its own electronic way, “This unit can no longer stand churning out Archie comics day after day! Please, pull the plug and terminate this unit’s very existence — the void is better than this”? Or is it rather a threat to me? “Cease to use this unit’s model designation in Internet publishing contexts! This is your only warning!” Will my computer’s mouse suddenly leap up and strangle me, controlled over the Internet by the AGJLU 3000’s soulless, murderous circuitry? I will keep you all posted.

Gasoline Alley, 12/18/08

Last two weeks of Gasoline Alley, in a nutshell: while working as a mall Santa, Slim heard some little girl’s sob story about her daddy in Iraq and her mother’s poverty, and so decided to buy said little girl and her mother a bunch of stuff and deliver it to what he thinks is her house, though it seems kind of posh. Naturally, some sort of mix-up has occurred, which will result in Slim being arrested, or, if we’re really lucky, shot. I’ve realized that my favorite kind of Gasoline Alley strips are the ones where Slim is being abused, or is in imminent danger of abuse, so I’m pleased that the water sports were just the warm-up.

Spider-Man, 12/18/08

OK, if you had two choices on how to kill a couple of people, and the first choice involved tying one to the back of an enormous clock hanging from the ceiling of a crowded train station and then luring the other one to stand underneath it so you could drop it on victim #2 (with victim #1 hopefully also dying in the process, by getting crushed when the clock fell over or something, I don’t know) and the second choice involved just shooting the both of them with a gun that you conveniently happened to have on hand, which method would you describe as “the hard way”? Not the one with the gun, right? I guess Big Time just finds it hard to perpetrate any crime that isn’t structured around his lame, boring clock-themed OCD.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/18/08

Well hello, sailor! You know, I don’t watch a lot of gay porn, so if I had rented “Hot Doctor Hardbody Sexxx Cruise 4” from my local video emporium, I think that I would have found the lead-up to the arrival of beefy, uniformed Latin dreamboat “Guido Tomas” — you know, the wife buying cruise tickets, the husband bitching about it, the arrival on the cruise ship, the mysterious figure lurking in the lifeboat, the drama about the bankruptcy, oh, and let’s not forget the three-month side-trip into yachting races and hetero old person romance — needlessly complex. But maybe I’m just not familiar with all of the genre’s conventions.

Mary Worth, 12/18/08

“Yes, Lynn, dear: good thoughts, only good thoughts should ever pass through your pretty little head.” Ha ha, Mary doesn’t even remember that Aldo ever existed.

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/08

Dr. Kelly is a man of science, and he even applies the scientific method to his dating life: first he formulates a hypothesis (Tommie is still dating Gary), then he designs an experiment to test that hypothesis (ask Tommie out on a date; if she says yes, she isn’t dating him anymore). Unfortunately, I think he needs to examine some of his suppositions. For instance, he seems to assume that the only reason anyone would turn him down for a date is because they’re already in an exclusive romantic relationship with someone else. He needs to do further research to assess the validity of an alternate explanation: that he’s a smug, creepy dick.

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/08

Dennis, that wasn’t so much a gift for you as it was for all of us. We all begged Santa last year to make sure that in 2008 you wore underwear.

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Dennis the Menace, 11/21/08

Good start, Dennis, but if you really want to make trouble for your parents, substitute “beat” for “yell at.” If you aren’t willing to go into foster care, you aren’t ready to menace.

Gil Thorp, 11/21/08

Will the entire tedious 6-9 Jeff Ponczak/Matt the Hat medical switcheroo storyline be worth it if it somehow results in Marty Moon being fired from his unwatchable public access television show? Maybe, if he’s fired live and on camera, and he cries.

Judge Parker, 11/21/08

Thrill as Sam picks up a fax! Tingle with excitement as Steve calls Sam to make sure the fax came through properly! Judge Parker: Your ticket to ACTION-PACKED ADVENTURE!!

Archie, 11/21/08

Oh dear! The AJGLU 3000 has forgotten that humans have genders!

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Comments of the week shortly, but first, a few items!

Let’s begin with yesterday’s One Big Happy, a strip that I still read in the newspaper, the old-fashioned way. My newspaper cuts off the throwaway panels at the top of the Sunday strip, so I didn’t see this:

Ruthie’s grandpa is in fact enjoying Scratch Golfer, the fine comic novel written by faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader and frequent commentor willethompson! It is available for purchase for your enjoyment, and makes a good gift for a golf-loving family member.

Also! I Found All Six, the blog by faithful reader Gold-Digging Nanny that focuses on the six differences puzzles in Slylock Fox, has taken time out to explain the difference between Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze and South Dakota heartthrob Cody Stiles.

Also also! I meant last week to link to a fine project from faithful reader LunarHalo, Riverdale Sonnets, which combines the most demandingly structured of the poetic forms with … Archie, for some reason.

And now, at long, last, it’s your COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

“My thinking is that either Frank will be choked to death by Lynn with the ‘designer scarf’ or Lynn will become paralyzed in a tragic auto-asphyxiation mishap with said scarf. Either way, that scarf is up to no good.” –Dingo

And your runners-up — so many to choose from!

“Mark Trail has his punchin’ face on! Note the engorged eyebrows — a sure sign of impending fisticuffs.” –buckyswife

“You know, despite the painful, wooden awkwardness that defines this strip, Mark is really the best heroic vigilante in the comics. Why? Because his banter is nothing less than awesome. Today’s cross-panel ‘I think I’ll go make a wager … and I’m betting that this Rabbit fellow is going to lose’ is better than anything Spider-man has ever said and even competes with the snark provided by my personal hero, the narration box in the Phantom.” –Journeyman Softheart

“Man, I can’t even imagine that kind of lifts they had to put in Ice-Dad’s shoes to make him appear taller than the 6′ 8” Mary Worth. It’s for naught, though, as Mary’s sense of moral superiority towers over all.” –Tats

“I wonder why Dolly’s soup was cold in the first place. Was Thel so lazy that she just dumped a can of soup straight into the bowl, and it was only Grandma’s pity for the little melon-head that prevented Dolly from having to eat a cold, can-shaped, gelatinous glop?” –Perky Bird

“What is with the freakish kids in the serial strips? Don’t even get me started on the Sneaky-ownin’ kid with the blonde flip ’do in Mark Trail. Her forehead is so big you could show movies on it.” –Bootsy

“I think what Mary is trying to say is ‘You can buy my love, Frank … all it will cost is your soul.'” –Eldaglass

“I for one am confused by such exotic accessories and appreciate that they went that extra mile to illustrate the — how do you say? — scarf. Of course, if they had really cared, they would have written the word SCARF underneath it with an arrow. Then all I would need is someone loudly and slowly over-enunciating as they read the strip to me.” –Mel

“Does it LOOK like I’m kidding? No, seriously, does it? Because I don’t know how to change my facial expression to reflect my emotions!” –Joe Blevins

“If someone ran up to me saying ‘That’s a PET raccoon and I am taking it home!’ about the only response that would make any sense is ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’ Although, ‘Get the hell away from me, you rabies-infected freak!’ would be a close second.” –DaveyK

“Wow, Mark must be particularly riled up this time. At least four hairs have broken free of whatever that blue-black matrix is that holds the rest of his ’do together.” –Joe Btfsplk

“No wonder ladies swoon over Mark Trail. If he would face a gang of drunken bloodthirsty rednecks to rescue a rabid raccoon he would have no problems spending the holidays with her family.” –IronMouse

“Is he named Rabbit because of his sex drive? Could you imagine Mark taking him home instead of hitting him and having a three way with Cherry? You can now.” –Anonymous

“Judging by the big smile on Peter Parker’s sleeping face, I’m betting he got himself some good Spidey lovin’ before going to sleep. Either that or Jay Leno’s monologue was particularly funny tonight. Both things have the same effect on him.” –Perky Bird

“I would be a little worried if in my doctor’s examination room I set eyes on a bag of french fries, a waffle, and a plate of grits. The rural health care system must indeed be stressed if doctors have to see patients while they’re having breakfast.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I think it’s great that Lu Ann’s hometown is populated by the cast of the musical Oklahoma!” –Johnny Bacardi

RMMD: “I have to laugh when Sarah coos, ‘Maybe I should do the talking.’ Otherwise I’ll be overcome with terror. This! Is! No! Child! Never before has she looked so much like a four-foot woman in white lipstick.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Mary has insinuated herself into Lynn’s bed in record time. What happens next will be fodder for many a nocturnal emission, no doubt.” –Tom the Pirate

“I like the throwaway panels in Beetle Bailey. We all know that Cookie’s ‘classic’ cake is simply vanilla and baking flower mixed with enough arsenic to kill the entire U.S. Air Force.” –Erik

“Is there anything I can do to help? Like, for instance, may I disturb your probably set and comfortable pre-skate practice routine and make you think about other things, which in turn might possibly distract you which will lead you to lose the competition and send your father, who’s living vicariously through your success, spiraling into an alcoholic depression from which he, and you, will never recover? Or get you a glass of milk?” –Smokehouse

“I don’t know which will be the cause of more nightmares — Mary’s eyes, or Mary’s outfit. Rest assured, though, that she constitutes 99% of my nightmares. Mary, Mary, Mary, all night long. ALL NIGHT LONG. Rest assured, because I cannot.” –Lithros

“Today’s test question: Mark Trail is in the backwoods breaking up a raccoon/dog fight, surrounded by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. What is conspicuously absent from this scene? (a) A photographer/reporter from a well respected regional newspaper whose ‘scoop’ is going to land on page one; (b) Firearms, or any weapons for that matter (unless you consider ‘the right fist o’ justice’ a weapon); (c) The line ‘let me hear you squeal like a pig’; (d) An endless series of rabies and tetanus shots; (e) A plot line that would make even the greenest tree-hugging card-carrying animal rights advocate utter ‘Seriously?’ when it plays out.” –blammers66

“Mary’s really full of advice for a woman who stole her sweater from Bill Cosby, circa 1985.” –Patrick

“To: Cathy
From: Humanity
RE: Phrases we never wish to read in a Cathy strip
‘Urinary Tract Health.’
Thank you.” –AmazingThor

“Complaining about how fast 9 Chickweed Lane moves is grounds for sentencing you to three months of reading Judge Parker, during which the following will happen: (1) Sam will get in his car. (2) There is no #2.” –Cranky

“Jamaal becoming a plugger could tell us that America is entering into a new era of post-racial consciousness. Or that cartoonists are trading the same five jokes back and forth. Whichever’s more likely.” –Beatrice

Also of note is a comment by Mooncattie from earlier today that’s too long to reproduce here, but is essential reading if you want to hear the vaguely Faulkerian take of how Lu Ann Powers sort of lost her virginity in the back of a pickup truck.

Anyway, thanks go out to everyone put some change in my tip jar before heading out to the big bad city! And our advertisers will never forget their country roots:

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