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Funky Winkerbean, 6/26/09

“You see, Kayla, eventually, like everything I touch, you will die, in pain. The question is, will you have made enough of an emotional impression on me to leave me wistful and emotionally bruised for the next decade? Will your brave but ultimately doomed fight against mortality bring a wistful, noble tear to my eye, and to the eyes of millions of readers across the country? Will you have finally broken through Summer’s shell of reserve, leaving her shattered at the knowledge that she might have had the mother figure in her life that she’s always needed? In short, we need time to build up that kind of emotional baggage, and frankly I don’t think we’re going to get there by enjoying ourselves, with sex.”

Family Circus, 6/26/09

It’s kind of true: since Billy isn’t allowed to wander outside the compound walls or to watch the devil’s “television” box, his only guide to appropriate behavior is the Old Testament, which, for all of its merits, has relatively little information on children’s leisure activities.

Baldo, 6/26/09

Tia Carmen and Baldo have a shared interest in very specific kinds of fetish pornography, a bond that draws them closer but that they very rarely acknowledge.

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Crankshaft, 5/12/09

If the signature facial expression in Funky Winkerbean is the smirk that can’t come close to masking the pain, the signature facial expression in Crankshaft is the overwrought look of stricken horror that accompanies social embarrassment or discomfort. “Oh, no, my old father-in-law has forgotten that he will die soon!” “Oh, no, someone expressed an intimate sentiment in public!” “Oh, no, my son’s entry-level job doesn’t pay well!”

I have no idea why Pam is horrified today, mostly because I have no idea what the ’Shaft’s granddaughter is talking about here; probably she’s glad the robe is all-covering because she’s going to go streaking, or wear a bikini, or get a tattoo, or something, in which case Pam’s facial expression would mean “Oh, no, she’s planning on celebrating her graduation by having a good time!”

Baldo, 5/12/09

Tia Carmen is ever haunted by the grim specter of death, and her single slice of birthday pie cannot make her forget the creeping dread.

Lockhorns, 5/12/09

Meetings of the Hemlock Society are never particularly lively.

Mary Worth, 5/12/09

“You should judge everyone based on his own actions! For instance, you should judge your new friend based on the fact that he’s starting up an inappropriate romantic relationship with a key witness in an ongoing criminal investigation!”

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Apartment 3-G, 2/19/09

No Apartment 3-G girl can find happiness in love, so obviously the next box Margo receives will contain Eric’s neatly packaged non-transplantable organs, courtesy of the Chinese government, but for the moment let’s just appreciate this gesture, in which he lets her know that her many, many previous sexual partners don’t bother him. If we’re really lucky Margo will let Tommie play dress-up with it, to mock her, because it’s the closest she’ll ever come to getting married, or having anyone love her.

Baldo, 2/19/08

Notice that the customer is blushing in the final panel. The only legitimate response to a sub-pun this awful is to be terribly embarrassed for the perpetrator.

Crankshaft, 2/19/09

Oh, that Crankshaft, always combining corny, unoriginal jokes with death! Our flight attendant looks wholly uninterested in saving her own or anybody else’s life in the case of emergency, and will probably cap off her little safety talk by hanging herself with the demonstration seatbelt.

Family Circus, 2/19/09

“No, Jeffy! You know full well what the judge said.”

Marmaduke, 2/19/09

“Why are you so restrained, for once?” Phil thinks. “Go on, eat him!”

Hagar the Horrible, 2/19/09

HAW HAW HAW THE FEMINISM