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Apartment 3-G, 8/23/12

Hey, sometimes Apartment 3-G plots get a little leisurely, but leave it to Margo to pick up the pace:

Edge City, 8/23/12

Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin hires a babysitter sight unseen to free her kids from the curse of unstructured time during the last days of their summer. Emily shows up bearing a full complement of Rebel Grrl signifiers and a new drivers license. Abby, too embarrassed to admit second thoughts, leaves Colin and Carly in her care. Hilarious hijinx ensue, but no one is hurt, and everyone Learns a Valuable Lesson. Forward two weeks. Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin ….

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/23/12

Sheriff Tait interprets “T’ain’t no big thing” as a confession to misdemeanor theft.

Gil Thorp, 8/23/12

Hey, it wouldn’t be summer without incomprehensible sports action in Gil Thorp! This tournament is match play, which counts holes won or tied instead of total strokes for 18 holes. Steve is playing with a 25 handicap, which means he cuts one stroke off his score on every hole, plus a second stroke on the seven most difficult holes. A “net birdie” means he shot par on a difficult hole or birdied a standard hole.

But hey waitaminute. Steve wanted to play in this tournament expressly to trash-talk an opponent. Yet all we’ve seen out of Steve and twosome partner Pat Laske so far is Judge Parker-level politesse and manlove, unless Steve thinks congratulating an opponent on a three-inch putt is the epitome of smack. Frankly, if we don’t see a huge explosion of PTSD-fueled fury by 18, it’s gonna be a big disappointment. Also: “PLOOK.” And isn’t that a lovingly-rendered golf cart?

Curtis, 8/23/12

Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall duke it out for King of Late Night. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door — oh, no — it’s Jimmy Fallon! PLAP!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 8/21/12

Wilbur and Dawn recover from their TV-induced “people came together to help one another” hallucination and realize that life is, after all, brutal. And that they both kinda miss Dave. Back to square one: the perfect Mary Worth story arc.

OK, POOL PARTY!

Herb and Jamaal, 8/21/12

It’s so unfair, because Jamaal really was checking out her blouse — everybody is saying “bold, flowery prints” for fall, but Jamaal thinks the only way to avoid ’70’s Earth Mother connotations is to build the look on a classically constructed garment. And the stitching on this one is simply slovenly, it’s a size too large, and for God’s sake tuck it in. Seriously, girl, you go out in public dressed like that? And slap people when they notice? Bitch.

Shoe, 8/21/12

P. Martin Shoemaker (Shoe), an editor at the Treetops Tattler, documents a single exception to the pending collapse of his industry.

“Say, you’re not by any chance reading Shoe, are you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/21/12

THE EYES OF SNUFFY PEER INTO YOUR SOUL! FEAR HIM!

Judge Parker, 8/21/12

Sam begins to suspect that all Avery’s talk of passion, seduction, Old Hardy, wild life, and prevailing in the end may not be entirely about fishing. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, our Sam.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/18/12

Hey, Comic John — that was you whining to Funky about your sex life Monday, right? So maybe you could find some way to comfort your wife and assure her that in your eyes she’s no three-year-old, but a desirable, capable, undeniably adult woman? Perhaps some kind of cooperative adult activity, suitable for the place and time, that would help restore her confidence and could actually work out pretty well for you, too?

No? You’re going with the cheap putdown instead? OK, then — on with the glasses and down the hall: that copy of Power Girl #18 ain’t gonna stain itself, you know!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/18/12

This would be just another episode of “Rex exploits rich old ladies for stuff”, but for two things. First, this old lady is Melissa Claridge, for fifty years a straitlaced hypochondriac who berated Rex for his indifferent courtship of June. Here’s “old” Melissa schooling her lying niece Heidi, thanks to the careful scholarship of Lena Delle at In Search of Rex Morgan, M.D.:

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/16/1971

Yes, that’s old June, née Gale, in the first panel.

The second thing about today’s strip is that look on June’s face in the third panel — of what, exactly? Avarice, which passes for lust in her loveless, superficial life? Maybe, but I like to think it’s hope — of escape, of a normal vacation free from menacing floodwaters, shipboard plague, or psycho boyfriends just this once — or maybe for a return to those sweet old days when despite all Melissa’s prodding Rex stayed far, far away from her.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/18/12

And Grampy has had a long long life, wasted trying to dull the misery of his empty marriage with porn and likker. Everyone finds this hilarious.

Love Is, 8/18/12

Heh, heh — it’s funny because DEATH.

Hey, Josh is off-grid for the week at his Secret Writer’s Retreat in the Northern Part of the State. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with site issues, spam alerts, etc.

— Uncle Lumpy