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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/31/12

Nobody should be at all surprised that virulent anti-intellectualism makes good grades a romantic liability in Hootin’ Holler. However, I think we should take note of the variant of the common rhyme in panel two. Usually you hear “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses,” but this isn’t the local version of the saying — and with good reason! Having long been isolated from flatlander optometry, Hootin’ Holler residents must make do with the few pairs of eyeglasses that have managed to come into the community via extended trading networks. Girls who wear glasses, far from being considered undesirable as mates, are viewed in awe for their ability to see at a distance or at night, and in some circumstances even read.

Apartment 3-G, 1/31/12

Well, being a nurse midwife is really more of a specialization you decide on when you’re getting your graduate degree in nursing, rather than just a course you take online from the University of Phoenix or whatever, but, uh, sure, Tommie, why don’t you go to it? “Are you serious? I’m going to get to pull people out of ladies’ hoo-hoos? Oh boy!”

Mark Trail, 1/31/12

“Yes, Mark, I too was on the verge of a violent life of crime! I’ve got a gun and everything. So your friend better come through with this TV movie deal or else I’ll probably have to kidnap you and hold you for ransom, ha ha! No, but seriously, get down in the crawlspace.”

Luann, 1/31/12

So, the past week in Luann has been dominated by an eternal teenage conflict: Gunther likes Rosa and Rosa likes Gunther and, uh, what now? Today we learn the answer. No couple in Luann can come together until a man defeats a romantic rival in passive-aggressive combat.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/27/12

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Hootin’ Holler must be the most loving, romantic community on the entire planet. I say this because Barney Google and Snuffy Smith characters wag their tongues and roll their eyes constantly. Look, they’re wagging their tongues right there in the second panel, as they’re talking about people wagging their tongues! I’m glad to learn that these are symptoms of an overabundance of affection, as I had assumed that residents of Hootin’ Holler were just prone to seizures due to some combination of inbreeding and malnutrition.

Archie, 1/27/12

As noted, the current run of newspaper Archie strips consists of reruns from the ’90s, which is fairly clear when you have it pointed out to you. But never let it be said that Archie Comics is simply digging out strips at random from its no doubt enormous archives (side note: I dearly hope that Archie Comics refers to its archives as “the Archie-ives”) and mails it out to the syndicate. No, first they have some entry-level employee make sure there aren’t any blatant anachronisms in the strip and quickly fix them. Fun game: what non-Glee TV show do you think Mr. Weatherbee was originally referring to in the third panel? I’ll bet its name is significantly longer than four letters!

Dennis the Menace, 1/27/12

Dennis seems to think that his baby sitter will find his mastery of bound morphemes menacing! Sorry, Dennis, but this is not the case.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/16/11

When I saw the first panel of this strip, I thought, “Wow, it’s a representative of the Hootin’ Holler law enforcement apparatus who isn’t Sheriff Tait! You almost never see them!” Then in the second panel I realized why. Sheriff Tait may have come to some sort of modus vivendi with the violent criminals who inhabit his jurisdiction, but those scofflaws won’t hesitate to murder one of Tait’s employees in cold blood when he tries to do the basics of his job.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/16/11

This wizened Viking chieftain may no longer be physically fit enough to join in on his murderous clan’s annual expeditions of rape and plunder, but he still has enough social standing to demand that the raiders bring him back the sex slaves that are his right.

Six Chix, 1/16/11

I may be revealing my failure as a plugged-in consumer of popular culture here, but I’ve never actually seen the Saturday Night Live “More Cowbell” sketch. My understanding is that it involves Christopher Walken as a music producer, demanding more cowbell over the course of recording a song? I don’t really see how that relates to the scene here, which makes me suspect that the reference was a last-minute nonsensical substitution for the original text, in which this beady-eyed cat expressed its contempt for and violent intentions towards its sleeping family in terms that simply could not be published in a family newspaper.

Panel from Mary Worth, 1/16/11

Oh, and hey, is Mary Worth using her recent kidnap-foiling to demand that everyone kiss her ass even harder than usual? You’d better believe it!