Saturday, Apr 07, 2012 Comments are closed

Saturday one-liners

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/7/12

Hagar has spent so many years engaged in brutal warfare that he no longer understands how to behave in conventional social situations, and crowds trigger attacks of PTSD.

Shoe, 4/7/12

The Perfesser is either too lazy to open gifts or too jaded to feel the brief anticipatory joy one usually experiences while doing so, and now just demands to be told what they are before he bothers to remove the wrapping paper.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/7/12

The chickens of Hootin’ Holler, like their human counterparts, suffer from significant genetic abnormalities.

Saturday, Mar 24, 2012 Comments are closed

Outtakes

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Mary Worth, 3/24/12

I’ve recently discovered that people do not always act the way they’re portrayed in Mary Worth, and pass along this helpful comparison chart:

	Mary Worth	Real Life
Realization	“I have ruined the life of an innocent man!”	“Wow, that Smithers guy is a drunken lunatic!”
Regret	“Why did I tell all those terrible lies about him?”	“Why didn’t I tell the cops he hit me, so I could sue?”
Reassessment	“He was a person with a family — not just a career obstacle!”	“My company should be grateful I got him kicked out!”
Restitution	“How can I make amends to Dan for this terrible injustice?”	“I deserve a raise, a bigger office, and maybe a company car!”
Resolution	“I must reconsider my values and become a better person!”	“I’ve got to start shopping where there aren’t so many derelicts!”
Redemption	“I hope Dan can find it in his heart to forgive me!”	“Hey, I better go back and use these coupons before they expire!”
Reaching out	Smithers@newhopeshelter.org: SORRY CN WE B FRIENDS?	HotPrez@mycorp.com: UP 4 A NOONER HOW ‘BOUT IT?

Funky Winkerbean, 3/24/12

Hey, it’s Lo-Def Lisa, nagging Les from the Great Beyond! Les is watching the “official” version, but Lisa recorded a backup just in case things didn’t work out. Let’s listen in:

“You’re probably still stuck at the high school, if Bull hasn’t killed you and none of the girls sued you for making creepy advances. If you’re desperate — I’m sorry, since you’re desperate — you can try to find an admin in the Principal’s office dim enough to fall for your ‘tragic widower’ act. Just don’t ask her to play ‘Lisa dress-up’ until after the wedding, OK?”

“Keep Summer away from that Cory Winkerbean creep — you won’t have enough money for her next rehab if you keep shelling out for abortions. And don’t give me that ‘But my next novel will be a best-seller’ crap, either. Even those tools at Kent State Press won’t fall for that scam a third time.”

“Finally, would it kill you to weed my grave once in a while? I’ve got dandelion roots up what’s left of my nose!”

Gil Thorp, 3/24/12

Plucky catcher Amanda Carey torments Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp with a slow drip of alarming revelations about pitching powerhouse Darby Kiser: “Yeah, she attends an alternative school where they can actually fire underperforming athletic staff! She’s got a kid she hasn’t thrown down the memory hole! And she stole your face and stuck it on that other pitcher! Wait, who are we again? I have no idea what’s going on here!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/24/12