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Sorry, I did not get a chance to pen my “What it’s like to be on Jeopardy!” epic today — sometime tomorrow, I promise, OK? Meanwhile, enjoy this fine comic commentary.

Mary Worth, 7/23/08

Dear creators and publishers of Mary Worth:

The following is a list of subjects that I never want to see discussed in your feature under any circumstances at any point in the future:

• Mary’s “tender bud”
• Jeff’s “dirty root”

If you must focus on an intimate part of someone’s anatomy, why not do a sequence on the ass of the gentleman walking into the Bum Boat ahead of our reunited lovebirds? You’ve featured it prominently enough, and anyone who wears jeans that color probably wouldn’t bother with pretentious, repulsive plant metaphors.

Apartment 3-G, 7/23/08

“And then — and only then — I’ll let him see me with the top button of this shirt unbuttoned.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/23/08

Haw haw! Hillbillies live surrounded by piles of their own garbage!

Marmaduke, 7/23/08

Marmaduke doesn’t consider a shoe to be a “prize” unless there’s still a human foot inside of it.

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Mark Trail, 7/21/08

“The scent of the meat” being referred to in panel three is, of course, a coded reference to Kelly Welly’s genitals.

Mary Worth, 7/21/08

What is it that “feels to familiar … and yet so fresh at the same time” to Jeff? Mary Worth’s genitals, obviously.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/21/08

“I’m pretty sure the bear represented your genitals! And how, as we enter puberty, I’m simultaneously fascinated by and terrified of ’em!”

Pluggers, 7/21/08

Ha ha, this one isn’t about genitals at all! It’s just an explanation of how this plugger, when slightly less little, came to start getting high from huffing common household solvents.

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Family Circus, 6/1/08

The Keane kids represent all that is wrong with the youth of today, and, by extension, with society as a whole.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/1/08

Snuffy Smith is almost unfathomably lazy.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/1/08

Funky Winkerbean sneers at bourgeois notions like “punchlines.”