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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/7/21

So Nancy finally got herself motivated to put an evil scheme in motion, for certain limited definitions of “evil” and “scheme,” and decided to blow Sarah’s cover about the whole Kitty Cop pseudonym thing, and because there are no murders or political corruption or even fun car chases in the Morgans’ boring burg, the local news is camped out on their front steps demanding an interview. Just in time for Niki to show up with tonight’s dinner! These days, Niki is merely yet another bland teen character in Rex Morgan, M.D., but you might recall that he arrived in the strip as a petty thief who stole June’s purse. Eventually, of course, he was brought to the side of boring goodness when Rex took him on a wholesome, manly fishing vacation. Anyway, I have vague memories that among Nancy’s other crimes, she at one point tried to steal Niki away from Kelly (who also used to be a bajillion times more interesting than she is now), so it would be fun if Niki had gone back to the dark side and is wearing a wire so that he can sneak in to the Morgan house and get an interview with Sarah that will make Nancy rich and the Morgans embarrassed, but “fun” is the one thing this strip doesn’t do so it definitely won’t happen.

Dennis the Menace, 12/7/21

Not sure what’s more unsettling: that Mr. Wilson might be planning to make a crude mannequin out of cast-off objects he has lying around the house, label it “my sanity,” and start ostentatiously making out with it whenever Dennis is around, or the fact that the holiday season means that Dennis will be spending even less time with his family than usual.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/7/21

Hootin’ Holler! It’s a lawless place where you can experience vicious and arbitrary violence at any time thanks to a generations-old clan feud whose origins are long forgotten and a place where they don’t have fancy high-tech gizmos like “doorknobs”!

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Mary Worth, 12/4/21

Look, Wilbur, they’re fish. They’re fish! They’re fine, but the gulf between their world and a human’s is much wider than between, say, a human and a cat or dog, and no real emotional bond is going to arise. So you see, she can never love them like she loved y– ohhh, I get it now.

Gil Thorp, 12/4/21

Gotta admit that I’m kind of enjoying how this Gil Thorp storyline is wrapping up: will all the teen characters just shouting the things they’ve learned (?) over the course of the fall at each other at a rapid clip while standing on furniture. Have you kids all internalized these little life lessons? No? Too bad, basketball starts next week!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/4/21

The Hootin’ Holler setting of this strip has always been one created by and for flatlanders to play around with a very specific set of stereotypes about hillbilles, which has been going on for as long as anyone reading this has been alive, so at some level it’s kind of instructive to read it as “what do people living in mainstream America think life is like in Appalachia, or possibly what life was like in Appalachia during the Great Depression?” Anyway, the answer provided by today’s strip is “Well, there’s big piles of animal shit everywhere, but the native peoples have made an alliance with the amphibian world to help mitigate the negative side effects.”

Shoe, 12/4/21

“Yes, you read that right: the cast members gave birth on stage, only for their newly laid eggs to be cracked open, cooked, and devoured to the horror of the audience. We’re birds, remember? Birds! Also, this newspaper only has two employees, so we’re a little loose about what goes into our sensationalist crime coverage and what goes into theater reviews.”

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The Lockhorns, 12/3/21

That’s right, Leroy! Loretta is old enough to remember the golden age of online discourse, when people wrote long essays about culture, politics, and current affairs on their LiveJournal and thoughtfully engaged in robust discussion in comments. Leroy has moved on to the brave new world where he just quote-retweets an article with a biting “LOL,” but Loretta has never given up on the dream of the first broad flowering of the Internet as a tool for social betterment. Keep blogging, Loretta! Don’t let them get you down!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/3/21

Like all Snuffy Smith trufans, the question that keeps me up at night is “What makes Snuffy tick?” Specifically, what is it that might motivate him to exert himself to make an honest contribution to his own well-being and that of his family? Is it the chance to improve his social and economic position to get out of the impoverished Hootin’ Holler? Clearly not. Is it a worry that by constantly stealing chickens and cheating at cards and overfishing the local lake, he survives only as a parasite of his own community? Nope. Could he be convinced to change his ways by basic human affection? Today, we learn: no, not that either.