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Slylock Fox, 8/13/12

Today’s strip truly shows the limits of Slylock’s philosophy, and indeed of his life’s work. Sure, his keen powers of observation have allowed him to easily identify the defects in the new royal timepiece. But his simplistic deduction can’t help uncover the structural defects in Princess Pussycat’s government that have contributed to this debacle. What are the flaws in the government contracting process that allowed the monarch to spend thousands of tax coins on a luxury item that doesn’t even work properly? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of inspection before money changed hands? Does the freakish long-necked bird-person have a good reputation in the clock-building world, or did he get this job by personal connections or through a bribe to a lower-level government official? And of course, now that he’s gotten that sack of money, it’ll take more than a little ratiocination to claw it back from him, shoddy workmanship or no.

B.C., 8/13/12

Oh, the silly, superstitious cave-man, running off in terror because he believed a bleached, dried human skull was speaking to him! In fact, the talking was coming from two giant ants inside the skull, and they were talking to each other, in English, which isn’t something to be scared of at all.

Dennis the Menace, 8/13/12

Dennis is eager to close this deal, since he knows from experience that his thoughts and opinions aren’t worth anything.

Ziggy, 8/13/12

In order to feel better about himself, Ziggy has started watching the Failure Channel.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/13/12

Say, do you enjoy the overall oppressive sense of gloom that hovers over Funky Winkerbean, but feel that the strip falls down on the job wen it comes to having its less appealing characters sharing way too much personal information and whining about not getting enough action? Well, today’s strip is for you, my friend!

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B.C., 8/9/12

Why, I’m glad you asked, blond B.C. character whose name I’m not going to look up (I think it might be “Thor”)! The modern pentathlon was brainchild of the Pierre de Coubertin, who was the driving force behind the modern Olympic movement. It consists of five events:

• Épée fencing
• Pistol shooting
• 200 metre freestyle swimming
• Show jumping on horseback
• 3 km cross country running

Just as the Ancient Greek pentathlon, consisting of running, jumping, javelin, discus, and wrestling events, was meant to serve as a way to practice and display soldierly virtues, so too was the modern pentathlon meant to simulate the sort of things a cavalry officer might have to do if trapped behind enemy lines: shoot a gun, fight with a sword, swim across a river, run for an extended distance, and ride an unfamiliar horse. In fact, for the first few Olympics in which it was an event, only cavalry officers were allowed to compete!

I find the whole thing an anachronistic delight, as of course it it became outdated more or less immediately after it was introduced in 1912, since World War I fairly definitively ended the cavalry age. This makes its “modern” designation all the funnier, though it still does make a useful distinction with the ancient version. Still, bandying around the word “modern” ought to make you take a long, hard look at yourselves, cavemen who are talking to each other from behind boulders.

Baldo, 8/9/12

I’m … pretty sure this is not the case? Unless “help her lift a box” means something filthy beyond my imagination.

Momma, 8/9/12

This implied proposal to exchange of sexual favors for dental work is exactly the right combination of sleazy and practical for Momma.

Shoe, 8/9/12

Have you ever wondered what one of the freakish, unnatural bird-people of Shoe would look like in a state of intense erotic arousal? It would be difficult to distinguish from a massive stroke, apparently!

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B.C., 7/31/12

Hey, everyone, have you heard about the Olympics, which are in England, which is foggy, sometimes? Anyway, this is hilarious because if the rowing events were taking place on the Thames (which they aren’t) it would be foggy and there would be antics anOH MY GOD SHERLOCK HOLMES’ CORPSE IS FLOATING IN THE THAMES OH MY GOD HE’S REALLY DEAD YOU MONSTERS

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/31/12

So, quick poll: What’s creepier, addressing your spouse (while the two of you are alone together) as “[Honorific] [Your last name]” or as “[Nickname by which one of your descendants would address him or her]”?

Gil Thorp, 7/31/12

“It’s not that you have one arm too few, it’s that you have one arm too many! I’m a pointing top, you see. I’m the only one in a relationship who’s allowed to point at things, like so! No, don’t try to imitate me, you’ll just enrage me further.”

Mary Worth, 7/31/12

Wilbur may be about to tumble to his death, but at least he’s going out as he would have wanted: with his bulbous crotch looming at us menacingly.

Spider-Man, 7/31/12

Meanwhile, in Spider-Man, everyone is literally just sitting around killing time until the title character decides to show up.

Wizard of Id, 7/31/12

And in the Wizard of Id, a witch is puking into a bag.