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Mary Worth, 5/31/11

I ran into a friend of mine at the supermarket yesterday and he asked me, because I’m “that guy” now, what was new in the comics, and because I embrace my role as “that guy,” I started waxing rhapsodic about the stalkertastic action in Mary Worth, and for the first time it really occurred to me that the strip may be actively trying to recapture the stalky magic of Aldomania 2006. They’re going to have to really amp up the crazy to top that legendary storyline, of course, but today’s installment is promising. Liza will apparently go to any length to prevent Drew from breaking up with her, and if that means arranging an impromptu surprise birthday party for him on a day that is very much not his birthday, then so be it.

B.C., 5/31/11

As noted, neo-B.C. is putting way too much effort into gags like this, which were transparently created as excuses to photocopy some clip art and then call it a day. Today’s installment is actually an example of how trying too hard actively lessens the strip’s quality. Since beloved B.C. character Grog is a subhuman dullard and almost certainly illiterate, it would have been more realistic to portray him as continuing to stare dumbly ahead for two panels, rather than react with horror at the thought of a small business and all the precious but desperately hocked items within going up in flames.

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Spider-Man, 5/18/11

Oh, the sight of the hapless Spider-Man’s feet sticking uselessly upwards as Morbius the Human Vampire hauls him to safety warms my shriveled heart! You might think, based on the hideous claw Morbius also has a hold of in that panel, that Spidey has been attacked in mid-air by yet another vampire in this chamber of horrors, but no, that’s just MJ’s hand, drawn very badly.

At any rate, Morbius’s transformation into a Non-Human Vampire is clearly well underway, as rather than referring to MJ as a “woman” as a normal person would, he’s going for the stilted “female” instead. I dearly hope that he and his vampire bride are also speaking in heavy Transylvanian accents for no good reason.

Apartment 3-G, 5/18/11

Don’t get upset, ladies! Paul may have partaken in your lady flower-grabbing game, but he is ALL MAN! He did it for his COACH, who was a MAN, who coached him in a SPORT. A sport for men!

B.C., 5/18/11

This sentient talking turtle has been a beloved B.C. character for years, but, uh, I guess he’s going to be killed and eaten now.

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B.C., 5/14/11

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might at first be a little confused as to why the man talking to the one-legged man is standing in some kind of pit. Fear not — there’s a completely reasonable explanation! As you can tell by the fact that the one-legged man is wearing a baseball cap and is addressed as “coach,” our characters are actually in the middle of a baseball game, and the pit is actually a dugout, which is “dug out” of the ground! Ha ha, get it?

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might now expect to me explain literally every other aspect of this cartoon to you. But I can’t! Because it doesn’t make any sense! With the shock collars and … and “your little game of dodge the raptor” … and … buh?

Ziggy, 5/14/11

In other news, an abstract concept seems to have left a literal turd on Ziggy’s doorstep.