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B.C., 7/25/06

Greetings, citizens! Certain liberal agitators — greenies, communists, and other America-hating terrorist sympathizers — may have misled you to believe that dumping phosphate-containing detergents into rivers or oceans may somehow damage the so-called “environment.” In fact, the sea is a filthy, filthy place, and the beasts that swim within it essentially live in their own urine and feces. Thus, by allowing our used cleaning products to flow into the water supply, we’re doing the fish, crabs, sea urchins, and other watery creatures a big favor. Don’t withhold your life-giving detergent from our ocean-borne friends!

Also, a note to Jews, Muslims, atheists, and other non-Christians: YOU ARE ALL DOOMED TO HELLFIRE! TURN OR BURN, PEOPLE, TURN OR BURN!

Mary Worth, 7/25/06

Can’t … stop … staring … at … Mary’s … freakish … pinky finger! Seriously, what is the deal with her hand in panel one? It looks like her finger and a chunk of her palm was somehow hewn off (possibly in a “household ‘accident'”) and Dr. Jeff threw his medical ethics to the wind to attach a donor hand-piece to his beloved in an experimental and highly dangerous procedure.

Meanwhile, Toby’s tale of hearsay and spite continues along its merry way. Cunning use of scare quotes around “accident” there, Mrs. Cameron; because surely if two people are in a house together and one of them dies, there can be only one diagnosis: murder. Say, what fundamental aspect of U.S. law does Toby seem to be undermining here?

Good to have her back, isn’t it, folks?

Hagar the Horrible, 7/25/06

Yeah, but … you never … really answered the question … of … why … uh … actually, I don’t think I want to know.

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B.C., 7/22/06

See, this strip is actually a lot more clever than it might appear at first glance. By posing a series of incomprehensible humor-style elements — Do electronic components ever actually feature “charcoal” lettering? Wouldn’t black golf balls be easier to see than said lettering on said components? — it distracts from the central problem, which is, you’ve got cavemen talking about golf and electronics, what the hell.

Mark Trail, 7/22/06

I was going to say something to the effect of “The whole Kelly-Welly-as-Lost-Forest’s-official-tramp thing is getting old,” but then I realized that it wasn’t, and it never will. I particularly love the extreme closeup on Kelly’s dark, evil, seductive eyes in the third panel. I’m assuming that this is Ranger Rick’s point-of-view: in the world of Mark Trail, this is the last thing you see before you wake up with a nasty case of chlamydia.

Wizard of Id, 7/22/06

Ah, it’s Yet Another Lame Strip Written By An Old White Guy Featuring An Anachronistic Golf Joke (YALSWBAOWGFAAGJ™). You might not know this if you don’t have parents who watch the Golf Channel voluntarily, but all those beasts the Wiz is thought-ballooning about in the second panel are the nicknames of various professional golfers. That’s right: Id’s dwarfish despot is forcing his chief thaumaturgist to dismember the cream of the PGA’s crop just to shave a few strokes off his handicap, the sick bastard. Anyway, the reason this strip caught my eye is because the thought balloon in panel two has some shading on the bottom, which usually is a cartoon convention for anger, but this time around it appears to signify … nothing. Nothing at all. Wasted strokes. Wasted!

For Better Or For Worse, 7/22/06

Worst. Onomatopoeia. Ever.

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Sally Forth, 5/4/06

Tune in for future installments of Sally Forth’s alcohol-fueled blackouts and ancillary hilarity:

• “Gee, Sal, you say the car had four tires when you came home from work?”
• “All I know is that Ralph says you were the most giving and nurturing lover he’s ever had.”
• “Mom, Faye says she won’t come over for dinner again until you get rid of that gun.”
• “So you say you remember punching the other softball coach in the face, but you don’t remember kicking him in the gut after he went down?”
• “All I know is that Alice says you were the most giving and nurturing lover she’s ever had.”

Judge Parker, 5/4/06

I’m not familiar enough with the rich Judge Parker backstory to know whether Abbey was born to fabulous wealth or if she came by it by marrying (or just shacking up with? I can’t keep it straight) Sam Driver, but she clearly has a lot to learn when it comes to ordering her henchpersons about. She’s got the part where you make them dress up in ludicrous uniforms right, but she doesn’t really know how to talk to them:

• Incorrect way to respond to relayed information from an underling: Allowing to them learn unnecessary details by engaging them in a rousing game of Exposition.
• Correct way to respond to relayed information from an underling: “Did I give you permission to make eye contact with me? Return to your duties at once, Unit 39-D!”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/4/06

This panel ignores the tremendous pressure anyone named “Neato” is under to be tidy. As if four grueling years of male nursing school weren’t enough!

B.C., 5/4/06

OK, but see, this is just totally insane.