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Crankshaft, 1/6/15

Let us contemplate, just for a moment, the financial aspects of Crankshaft’s existence. I’m pretty sure that he’s lived with his daughter and son-in-law over the whole course of the strip. Because he has a job operating a large vehicle full of school children, I have to assume that this isn’t because of any decline in his physical or mental capacities due to age, but rather because he can’t afford to live on his own. (It could, I suppose, be because of the warm, close, loving relationship he has with his familhahahaha I can’t even finish that sentence.) There was a whole plotline years ago revolving around some bad kids on his bus known as the “rough riders”; Crankshaft, presumably in a fit of pique, promised to pay for their college education if they actually shaped up and graduated from high school, and then when they did it turned out he had forgotten to save any money to back up this boast, so he tapped into his retirement savings. But even before that incident he was living crabbily with his descendents, so he’s probably always been kind of hard up. Anyway, this is a long way of me wondering if Crankshaft is following these kids around and offering to outbid them just to be a dick, or if he’s genuinely so desperate for cash that he’s literally willing to undercut child labor. He’s ripe for recruitment for one of Neddy Spencer’s old-person labor camps!

Judge Parker, 1/6/15

Speaking of the beloved Spencer-Driver clan, they’re discovering they only have twelve bottles of wine to last two adults for three or four days, so things could get dicey! Seriously, Sophie is getting way worked up about this baby squirrel business. Nobody should be sober for that.

B.C., 1/6/15

Meanwhile, the cavemen of B.C. are suggesting novel sexual activities to one another. It’s sad to see that even so early in the development of our species, some of us were very set in our ways.

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Hi and Lois, 12/7/14

Am I a bad person for seeing “It’s December 7th already” and immediately wishing that all of Lois’s subsequent dialogue were about her manic celebration of Pearl Harbor Day? “Bring down the scale model of the USS Arizona from the attic! Hang a portrait of FDR on the door! Turn off the outdoor lights, in case of Japanese air raids!”

B.C., 12/7/14

Haha this new breakdancing craze is so silly, amiright everyone? It’s just like spinning around rapidly! That’s my point, that I’m proving! Man, this is some cutting-edge stuff.

Speaking of points, I’m pretty sad ant-mom has nixed her son’s tattoo plans, because I’m very interested in seeing what kind of tattoo needle would work on his hard, chitinous exoskeleton.

Judge Parker, 12/7/14

The final panel of today’s strip demonstrates that the glow of Parker-Driver self-satisfaction is now so powerful it’s visible to the naked eye.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/14

In addition to the genuinely hilarious “Sarah is adopted by a lovable/wealthy mob family” plot we’ve got going on in Rex Morgan, we also have a “June gets involved in petty academic squabbles” plot that is 100% non-hilarious, which is why I’ve barely mentioned it to date. But today it’s all been resolved! See, the vaguely sympathetic character (?) had a heart attack, and the vaguely unsympathetic character (?) saved her life! This will cause all conflict to fade away and bygones to be bygones, etc., which will make it super awkward that the Morgans’ friend/employee Becka just quit her job in a huff over the conflict.

In addition to proving that there’s no argument that can’t be resolved by a minor cardiac event, today’s strip gives us some red-hot imperious Morgan privilege action. “Out of the way, please! We need to get this woman to a hospital right away! Her life is at stake!” “I’m a friend!” “OH OK THEN”

B.C. and Momma, 11/16/14

The primitive hominids of B.C. have apparently reached a new stage in sapience, understanding that other forms of life may have the ability to feel pain and fear, just as they do. Meanwhile, Momma is disappointed that her son’s blundering has stymied an opportunity for bird-slaughter.

Panel from Judge Parker, 11/16/15

Sorry, other newspaper comics creators: nothing you publish this week will be funnier than this panel, in which uber-rich Abbey and Sophie realize they’re living their worst nightmare. “We’re trapped … in a trailer park … with poors! NOOOOOOOOOO”