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Mark Trail, 8/29/14

Listen up, narration box: it’s not an “open field” if there’s A HERD OF ELEPHANTS IN IT.

Apartment 3-G, 8/29/14

It may be that this inventory of obsolete boyfriends is essential for Tommie to process her oft-mentioned though seldom-seen grief for her dead fiancé, but it sure feels like the strip is wrapping things up before shipping her off to Crock or somewhere before bringing in a new girl (Beth? Is Beth coming back?). Or maybe letting Margo and Lu Ann (remember them?) duke it out one floor down in Apartment 2-G.

Anyway, here’s Tommie with her colleague and suitor, Dr. Joe Kelly:

Apartment 3-G, 4/28/09 (panel)

It didn’t end well.

Beetle Bailey, 8/29/14

Amos Halftrack is alarmed at the prospect of having sex with his wife, and terrified at her determination to carry out the act. There is an ancient and nameless horror at the core of their marriage.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/14

Wow, Funky Winkerbean is outsourcing its lame wordplay to a one-shot walk-on. Sets some kind of baseline, right there.

Josh has his hands full as he racks up the miles across the bosom of this great land, but still manages to keep abreast of developments in popular culture. Here, he stops in at Chi-Chis — or is it Hooters? — and bumps into Dolly Parton, titular Queen of Country Music. Then back to the car, flick on the highbeams, and damn the torpedos, it’s full speed ahead: California or bust!

OK I’m a nine-year-old, but Josh started it!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 8/14/14

It’s kind of amazing that Otto is perfectly capable of understanding symbolic language — for instance, he knows that fire hydrants are a longstanding visual shorthand for dog urination in our culture, even though no dog urinates exclusively on fire hydrants — and yet he somehow can’t figure out how to go to the bathroom in a toilet.

Dick Tracy, 8/14/14

These movie assignations are actually a cover for Dick and Annie to discuss their escape from Weird Maybe Time-Travel Island, but still, the idea that an adult police officer would help break a tween girl’s crush on him by literally taking her on dates is pretty gross! Haha, but everyone in ThePastBurg wants to get into Officer Tracy’s pants, so it’s totally OK.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/14/14

Hey, remember a couple days ago when I said Les’s fantasy sequence would be mildly more interesting than the whole Lisa’s Story movie plotline? Well, that was before I knew it would involve sexy ladies trying to get Les to have sex with them! Now it’s grosser, and not just mildly grosser.

Mark Trail, 8/14/14

Mark trail is such a dedicated naturalist that he’s going to make sure you know what kind of python this is, before, under duress and with great respect and sadness, he’s forced to slice off its head.

Wizard of Id, 8/14/14

In a cross-promotion of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week that I’m sadly certain is entirely unpaid, the Wiz in Wizard of Id has turned himself into a shark! A shark that yearns for shark-sex with lady sharks. The intersection of monogamy and animagery is in fact deeply complex.

Pluggers, 8/14/14

The most common use a plugger has for computers is figuring out how to poop more easily.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/5/14

I went through a lot of emotional stages with this comic. First I was like, “Wow, Cookie has definitely been drawn by someone who holds the idea of tattoos in contempt but who has not actually seen a lot of tattoos.” Then I thought, “Wait, Jesus Christ, is Cookie naked underneath his apron? Are they having Cookie strut around nude in the mess hall, for no other reason than to make this stupid tattoo joke?” Then I noticed, “no, they’re in the barracks, which means that Cookie walks around with his apron and chef’s hat on while otherwise nude in the barracks, which is almost as weird if not weirder.” Anyway. The “cut here” tattoo? Pretty “edgy,” right? Eh? Eh? Kids today? And also it should probably be visible when he has his clothes on? Eh?

Judger Parker, 8/5/14

Aww, you guys, Sam’s longtime legal secretary Gloria is finally marrying the double amputee of her dreams! Of course, Sam isn’t just her boss — he’s her best friend, the person she’s closest to in the world, and she loves him! Sam’s frozen little smile in panel three is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. “Yes and you … are definitely someone I’ve worked with for … several years, the precise number of which I will have to look up, Gloria!”

Six Chix, 8/5/14

Wouldn’t most cow gossip revolve around who’s been killed and eaten lately? Maybe let’s talk about something more pleasant.