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Beetle Bailey, 9/5/19

I was about to say “Guys, you’re in the army” but … honestly, I can’t decide if that’s actually the joke or not? Like, literally one of the defining features of Beetle Bailey is that with many of their strips it’s hard to tell whether they’re making a sardonic commentary on the armed forces or militarism in general, or if they’ve literally forgotten the comic’s setting.

Blondie, 9/5/19

Ha ha, you guys heard about texting? Been pretty omnipresent for a solid decade or so? The teens love it, because they’ve never known a world without it? Texting! Pretty funny, huh????

Mary Worth, 9/5/19

“Maybe not for you, the person I want to be in a long-distance relationship, but … wait, I forgot where I was going with this.”

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Beetle Bailey, 8/20/19

Aside from the odd ear or tooth, Sarge and Cookie are the same — so pity Sarge. Every meal forces him to confront, as in a mirror, the shapeless wreck Army food has made of his body. He eats until the shame overwhelms him, then starves until his next cheating meal. The cookies Mrs. Bailey sends her son are his only joy, and those he must take by force. “It’s not hatred, Beetle,” he sobs mid-beating, “I’m just hungry!”

Dick Tracy, 8/20/19

Honestly, Dick, you’re a married man with two natural children; how is any of this a surprise to you? Who do you think you are, Mark Trail? Amos van Hoesen? Brad DeGroot? Sam Driver? Earl Houndstooth? Gunther Burger? Dr. Jeff Cory? Rex Morgan?

Judge Parker, 8/20/19

Not the best outfit for concealed carry there, April. Pretty sure 90% of guys are gonna be staring straight up that barrel.

Zits, 8/20/19

Jeremy, everybody knows you and Zumba got history Exactly what sort of sandwich did you have in mind?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 8/14/19

The thing I like so much about today’s Beetle Bailey is how furious Major Greenbrass looks as General Halftrack delivers the punchline. I have to assume that he saw Halftrack set up the sign on his desk and asked about it, only to have the general say he’d explain once they got on the course. “This?” the major’s face says. “I waited that entire car ride over for this?”

Marvin, 8/14/19

Man, say what you will about all the excrement and urine content Marvin puts us through, but at least we can be thankful that we weren’t subjected to Marvin’s parents talking about sex in what I’m quite sure was an extremely unpleasant manner.

Pluggers, 8/14/19

“Pluggers used to love getting smashed, but now they gotta let a doctor put a camera up their butthole to make sure they’re not dying” sure is a mood for the middle of the week, am I right, folks? Let’s all just sit quietly here for a moment, plugger and non-plugger alike, and think about what the future, or maybe even the present, has in store for us.