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Beetle Bailey, 5/29/19

Hey, remember like two weeks ago when General Halftrack looked back on his career with a certain nostalgic glow? Well, apparently when he was abruptly and involuntarily confronted with his life history, he learned that it’s actually not so fun to contemplate. Ha ha, look at his face in the second panel! He wishes that bus smeared him all over the asphalt and put him out of his misery. I’m very excited because it’s only Wednesday and Beetle Bailey Misery Week is escalating rapidly; let’s see how sad it can get!

Blondie, 5/29/19

These are the things that Dagwood loves, in ascending order: his children; Elmo, who’s not his child but with whom he spends an inordinate amount of time; his wife; and sandwiches. Thus, the punchline to today’s strip is an act of sycophancy that borders on the excruciating.

Mary Worth, 5/29/19

“Remember the good old days, before computers, when you could just pick up a guy at his mother’s funeral? Now you gotta get on the internet or whatever and learn how to upload a picture. This country’s going right into the toilet!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/19

Welp, I guess we’re gonna drag this botched robbery out even though all the danger has immediately dissipated. Maybe our boy Justin is standing a little too close to a couple of dudes that he just called the heavily armed cops on? Is someone gonna get killed in the crossfire? Can it be Justin? Please, I just need to feel something, anything when I read this comic strip.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/28/19

Hmm, looks like Cliff’s kemosabe reference was maybe really about Lisa, the beloved Funky Winkerbean character who, as you may have forgotten, died of cancer? There’s gotta be a connection there, right? Maybe the connection is “‘Kemosabe’ is a catchphrase from The Lone Ranger, which for decades was one of the most popular media franchises in America and so lots of people are familiar with it.” Just brainstorming!

Beetle Bailey, 5/28/19

Crushingly depressing Beetle Baileys are usually about the Halftrack marriage, but today’s strip is really mixing it up! It features Sgt. Lugg’s face crumpling because she realizes that she’s sitting on an army cot and eating something out of a dog bowl with a spoon, as part of a date.

Pajama Diaries, 5/28/19

STOP TRYING TO MAKE “THE PAJAMA DIARIES PEOPLE ARE A FUN MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE WHO ARE INTO BDSM” HAPPEN

IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

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Hi and Lois, 5/25/19

The best part about today’s strip is the expressions of pure delight on Ditto and his friend’s faces in panel two. This clearly isn’t the first time Thirsty has overshared the contours of marital woes with them, but now things have escalated to the point where he’s been thrown out of the house, and so they’re settling in for some tales of truly outrageous tales of domestic depravity.

Beetle Bailey, 5/25/19

Fun fact! “Knasen,” which, depending on which possibly incorrect auto-translation service you use, is Swedish either for “knees” or “the knot,” is what Beetle Bailey is called in Sweden. And since we all know that Swedish Beetle Bailey is just straight-up porn, that means that Plato has been spending his off hours getting aroused reading about the adventures of Scandinavian alternate universe versions of him and his friends, who get to actually have sex.

Not fun at all fact! Sarge often viciously beats up Beetle in public for the slightest irritation, and nobody ever stops him.

Dustin, 5/25/19

Hey kids, remember Dustin, the comic that doesn’t really know what Twitter is or how it works? Well, here’s some exciting news: it has even less of a grasp on Instagram.