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Mark Trail, 3/22/09

Is this more Mark Trail misogyny? “Hey fellas, when these ‘roly-poly’ liberated broads want you to help with the kids, it sure does cut into your ‘extracurricular activities,’ amiright? By the way, these feminist grub-eating freaks are the ‘bald eagles of New Zealand,’ which tells you all you need to know about New Zealand. USA NUMBER 1!”

Blondie, 3/22/09

“Emily Armful”? “Clint Brawny”? I … I think that Dagwood and Blondie spent New Years at some kind of adult film industry event. I suppose that would be a particularly lucrative market for a caterer to try to break into.

Judge Parker, 3/22/09

In the final panel of today’s Judge Parker, we learn that this whole “changing my image and trying out for the cheerleading squad” routine has been a smokescreen; Sophie apparently intends to get her revenge on the popular girls who wronged her by simply murdering them. In fact, she’s so pleased with herself that she’s broken out into a little disco dance routine. “My en-e-mies won’t be stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…”

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Blondie and The Lockhorns, 3/16/09

As a result of this confluence of comic themes, I thought perhaps that there was some sort of nationwide blood drive going on today, of which I would naturally be unaware because the very thought of a needle makes me weep like a pathetic little baby and vomit in terror. Still, about thirty seconds of Google searching (all the research I’m ever willing to do for anything, because I am one of The Kids Today) seems to rule out that idea, so I guess it’s just one of those occasional cartoon coincidences. That’s just as well, as neither today’s Blondie nor today’s Lockhorns would really inspire people to go give the life-saving gift of blood; instead, they’ll just associate this selfless act with their their terrible job or their soul-killing marriage, respectively.

Gasoline Alley, 3/16/09

It looks like there’s some middle-aged, somewhat hard of hearing, working-class romance brewing in Gasoline Alley! Which is great, as it will surely keep the loathsome Slim out of the narrative eye, but I find panel two, in which Gertie stares straight out at us and demands that we, the readers, acknowledge our attractiveness and update her on dinner, kind of unnerving. Perhaps if I still read comics in the paper, I’d have gotten the 3-D glasses that are an integral part of this very special Gasoline Alley experience.

Apartment 3-G, 3/16/09

“I hope you like olives!” Vaguely promising, but, you know, it’s still Tommie, so not sexy at all.

UPDATE: Sorry, kids, your faithful blogger was way behind and is sleepy — COTW coming tomorrow morning!

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Beetle Bailey, 3/5/09

Our soldiers are refusing to take performance-enhancing drugs, like steroids, because they prefer non-performance-enhancing drugs, like heroin.

Blondie, 3/5/09

Dagwood’s transformation into a Howard Hughes-style, urine-jar-storing shut-in begins today.

Dennis the Menace, 3/5/09

“Plus you keep downloading viruses from all those porn sites.”

(Possibly more menacing alternative: “Plus I keep downloading viruses from all those porn sites.”)

Family Circus, 3/5/09

Jeffy finds himself encrusted with filth with such depressing regularity that he has established some sort of rating system for it.

Hi and Lois, 3/5/09

Hi and Lois is attempting to match Ziggy’s patented brand of second-rate empty-background existentialist absurdism — and, sadly, coming up fairly short.