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Gil Thorp, 5/10/07

As part of my cantankerous mission to defend the indefensible, I’d like to speak up for the art in Gil Thorp. I won’t attempt to justify the baffling action sequences, or claim that a reasonable person can tell who the hell anybody is. But if there’s one thing that Gil Thorp does well, it’s smug. I draw your attention to the Central slugger in the first panel and invite you to imagine his internal narrative. “Ah ha! Another snail-slow meatball of a pitch from Jim Gross that I’ve just blasted over the far fences! I think I’ll stand here and follow its trajectory into the next county for a bit, then let the bat slowly and casually slip from my fingers before I begin my stately trot ‘round the bases! La di da!”

For a previous instance of Thorpian smuggery, I urge you to check out this post from two years ago, when I was still new to the ways of Milford athletics. This post prompted the following hilarious comment from faithful reader Incident, which still makes me chuckle:

What really makes this strip is Von Haney’s crazy diagonal smug leaning pose. I know in my heart he’s going to keep doing it throughout the entire game, ergonomics be damned, because he’s JUST THAT HARDCORE about being smug. Sally Forth is his bitch.

(Speaking of funny things other people are saying about Gil Thorp, I’m pretty sure I’ve already linked to This Week In Milford, but if you aren’t already reading it, you really should be.)

Blondie, 5/10/07

Speaking of smug, panel one of today’s Blondie screams “I’m white, middle-aged, and self-satisfied, how ya doin’?” so loudly that I sort of want to smack Dagwood, and I’m not even a particular fan of hip-hop. Fortunately, in the rest of the strip he makes a quick and gratifying descent into insanity.

Mark Trail, 5/10/07

Yes, sexy Sam the sexy biologist just couldn’t get rid of all the birds — not even with a constant series of controlled explosions (scroll down a bit) — so she just DESTROYED THE WETLANDS WHERE THEY LIVED! And, as a double bonus, they were able to build a mall on the former swamp! Win-win! It’s a good thing Mark Trail could never ever punch a woman, because otherwise Sam Hill would be in big trouble. In fact, I’m not convinced she is a woman, what with her disturbingly masculine first name. I think she’s a male Mark Trail villain, and her “breasts” are where she’s hiding her facial hair.

By the way, if you think “bird strikes” are only a problem in the funny pages, think again!

Mary Worth, 5/10/07

Yes, after a big blow-out over “some silly matter” (Vera won’t tell Mary anything more, so you just know it was something awful she did), Vera was flung bodily out of the vinyl-sided family mansion onto the lawn! In a driving drizzle! With nothing but her hideous periwinkle and purple outfit and tiny, tiny handbag! And from that day forward, she swore she’d express all her aggressive and negative impulses in thought balloon form! CURSES UPON YOU, VON!

Speaking of curses, I’m still mostly averting my eyes from the horror of Funky Winkerbean, but for those of you who think that the person on the other end the hilarious Lisa-really-does-have-terminal-cancer-after-all swapped-scans mix-up has had all of his or her problems solved, think again.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/3/07

Sarge’s attempts to avoid attachments with women while remaining ambiguous about his own preferences are becoming increasingly heart-rending. Even his faithful dog is trying to get him paired off into safe, Army regulation-approved heteronormality.

Archie, 5/3/07

You’re close, Archie-Laugh-Generating-Joke-Unit 3000, but the punchline is only funny if Archie is actually doing something positive for Mr. Lodge, albeit accidentally. Otherwise it’s just a baffling nonsequitur, or an implication that Archie is a Christ-like figure with mystical healing powers, neither of which are ideal.

Family Circus, 5/3/07

Oh, they start them young with the arbitrary gender markers in the Keane household, yes sir.

Blondie, 5/3/07

Speaking of gender arbitrariness, I’m sure Blondie is just thrilled that Dagwood’s chronic narcolepsy suddenly means that she has to cook breakfast for three. I imagine she’s just getting that pan nice and searing hot before she starts braining people with it.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/3/07

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Wait, that’s not really fair. It’s hard to work yourself up to ask someone out, and … no, hold on, I was right the first time. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Also, Mark Trail has consisted of a lot of nattering about birds and airports and crap like that for the last few days, but I thought you’d be interested in a certain similarity of body language between today’s final panel and a strip from last week:

Damn, everybody wants a piece of this handsome outdoorsman!

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Crock, Dennis the Menace, and Blondie, 4/24/07

There are some days — like today, for instance — when the comics make a mockery of the very concept of “family entertainment.” In Crock, one half of the Foreign Legion detachment assigned to Guard Tube #5 blithely recounts a missive from home regarding his cousin’s new child bride, while his troopmate goggles in disgust at the the thought. Does the Legionnaire capable of decency speak out against this horror and risk alienating his only companion in the brutal desert? Or does he remain silent and thus complicit in this crime? Meanwhile, even if we ignore the more unsettling aspects of today’s Dennis the Menace, we should still note Mr. Wilson looks completely blasé, as he’s apparently wearily resigned to the fact that there is no place and no condition in his life that can not be violated by the demon child next door. Similarly, Dagwood only looks on in mute disbelief as his old nemesis the mailman places his feet on his genitals; Blondie certainly didn’t try to stop him, so he figures he doesn’t have the right to say no anymore.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/24/07

For those of you keeping score at home: Rex has been assigned to stall Hugh Avery so that Heather and Pete the chauffeur can get to the big board meeting and pull off whatever coup d’etat they’re going to pull off so as to seize control of Avery International. Meanwhile, today Hugh is ordering his unnamed second to stall the board meeting so that Hugh can get there in time to pull of his coup. In other words, there are currently rival attempts being set in motion to make sure nothing whatsoever happens in any way, shape, or form. And then of course there’s the thrilling cell phone reception subplot. In short, it’s pretty obvious that this week’s Rex Morgan, M.D., is an elaborate physics experiment designed to show that time can in fact be brought to a halt, and perhaps even reversed.

In an attempt to inject some kind of excitement into this thing, I keep meaning to mention that “Rex Morgan” is apparently the name of a gay porn star, which should come as a surprise to no one. Thanks to faithful reader Colleen for pointing this out in the comments. The picture accompanying his Wikipedia article indicates that he’s not as attractive as the good doctor, in my opinion.

Mark Trail, 4/24/07

Having taken care of the insurance fraudsters, Mark has moved onto his next big quest: eliminating labor unrest in the bird world. Subversive elements are fomenting a Red tide among our winged friends, and Mark’s on the case to make sure that the good old-fashioned American values of open labor markets aren’t destroyed by these feathered pinkos and their socialist ideas about “collective bargaining.” With desperate characters like the Avian Wobblies in charge, things could get a little rough, so Andy (who disturbingly appears to be melting in the first panel) has headed out into Lost Forest to fetch the bird Pinkertons to fight on the side of the American way.

Marmaduke, 4/24/07

After years of trying to figure out what object his owner Phil loves most, Marmaduke has settled on the perfect bait. Poor Phil is about thirty seconds away from being killed and eaten, and not necessarily in that order.