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Gil Thorp, 1/18/23

You might not know it based on his lackluster coaching record, but Gil is capable of shrewdly planning ahead. He’s facing an abrupt firing if he fails to deliver a basketball championship, and he surely won’t get that sweet, sweet endorsement money he’s been too good chase after once that happens, which is why he needs to establish his new “Gilpa” persona now, while he’s still a draw. Hopefully by the time he’s fired, fans of the Fox Used Auto Extended Universe will have come to accept him as one of their many beloved characters and he can keep getting paid work.

Gasoline Alley, 1/18/23

Not sure I fully understand the theological world-building that underpins Gasoline Alley. In this universe, Santa is an immortal gift-giver who takes post-Christmas vacations and runs his operation like a modern businessman, but is also (see the halo) Nicholas of Myra, a 4th century Greek bishop who has ascended to sainthood and can intercede with God to protect the lives of mortals, a category that apparently includes non-human elves. Did Jesus also die to save elfkind in the GasAlliverse, or did they have their own Savior? Really hope we’re going to explore all this rather than waste time on Bunky’s inevitably failed business venture.

Dennis the Menace, 1/18/23

I was an extremely dorky child and teen, as evidenced by the fact that my big teenage rebellion consisted of skipping school a couple times a month so I could go by myself to the downtown library and read. But in my opinion, even that’s more menacing than doing it to spend quality time with a kindly old neighbor lady.

Blondie, 1/18/23

J.C. Dithers doesn’t seem like the most tech-savvy guy, but I certainly would hope that DithersCo’s IT department can set up web filtering software to prevent their employees from wasting entire afternoons writing intensely erotic roastfucking fanfic on AO3.

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Blondie, 1/4/23

There are, I think I don’t have to tell you, a number of subtle ways in which the syndicated comic strip Blondie reinforces the patriarchy. Among them is the fact that Dagwood and the other male characters are allowed a full range of broad, cartoonish facial expressions, while Blondie and her mini-clone Cookie have their pretty girl faces mostly botoxed into place. I will allow, however, that in today’s strip the rigid components of their faces do subtly shift from their usual meaninglessness to allow a glimpse at the true horror both characters feel at the way your one wild and precious life can be consumed by the endless maw of the social media feed. This is, I think, ultimately preferable to Dustin’s thousand-mile social media stare, even though Dustin has correctly identified the website actually beloved by teens, whereas anyone who claims that the average high schooler is addicted to Facebook is either living in a fantasy world or desperately trying to buttress the value of their Meta Platforms, Inc., stock.

Hi and Lois, 1/4/23

I also enjoy the facial expressions on the up-and-coming new associate at Foofram Industries LLC in this strip. He may be new on the job, but he’s been there long enough to know that Thirsty generally doesn’t do anything very quickly, because he’s usually either very hungover or actively drunk.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/4/23

Oh, does the comic strip Rex Morgan, M.D., not have enough “medical” drama for your tastes? Did you decide that a guy pretending to shit his pants on stage so he can move up from opening act to headliner really falls into the category of a moral and ethical dilemma rather than one requiring the attention of a doctor or a nurse? OK, fine, uh, what about [thinks for exactly seven seconds about a scenario that would require medical intervention] a guy falling down in a parking lot. How about that. Are you happy now? Are you?????

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Folks, it’s that time of year again: time for me to get the hell out of dodge and gently put this blog to sleep for a couple of weeks for its Chrishanukkwanzaa rest. But I don’t want to depart without sharing lessons from the comics about the reason for the season:

The Lockhorns and Blondie, 12/23/22

The reason for the season is wives spending too much money! Ha ha! Amiright, fellas? Wait, I don’t think I’m actually right. Let’s check in with a woman named Mary who has a lot to do with the real reason for the season:

Mary Worth, 12/23/22

The real spirit of Christmas involves wives and wives-to-be suppressing their petty jealousy and instead giving thanks to the hot baby sitters who came before them and blazed a trail for the hot MILFs to come. Pretty sure this is in the bible somewhere. Wives: they’re just like us, and in many cases are us!

More on this story as it develops … in 2023, when I’ll be back blogging about the comics again, don’t you worry. I wanna say … by January 3rd or so? The 4th, maybe? We’ll see what the vibe’s like. But I before I head out, I want to acknowledge one final comment of the week from 2022:

“Honestly, I don’t care what weird roundabout way they get there but I’m all in for refreshing legacy strips and if Blondie is going to transition to a comic about Dagwood adrift at sea alone because he ate the anchor and then Herb then this will be the most interesting thing to happen to the comics page in decades.” –Tabby Lavalamp

And the runners up? A fine collection to round out the year!

“‘Mommy! I don’t want my hair to turn green!’ –a menace, allegedly” –jroggs

“Well, that’s one reason not to use a wad of cash as a prop when you’re trying to make the point that the family needs to save money. One of several.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Gotta love how the chicken is singing along. Doesn’t have the whole picture, that chicken.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Does Mary actually own a kitchen table? Or does only serve tea and oddly shaped hors d’oeuvres on the sofa, just so she won’t have to look directly at any of these idiots when they’re pouring their hearts out to her? Basically, if you want advice from Mary without your hands touching uncomfortably, you’ll have to buy her a fish dinner at the Bum Boat.” –BigTed

“Jesus, what is going on with Dag’s hands in that last panel. It’s like someone mentions cake and he starts reflexively stroking his nipples.” –pugfuggly

“Not understanding today’s Hagar the Horrible, I took a closer look at the paper the lawyer was holding to see if I could find some clue to the punchline, and was conned into reading the date. Well-played.” –Austria

“Why is the jury so enraged with the lawyer? They are the one deciding the case, why should they blame him instead of themselves?! ‘Damn, I was going to punish this obviously guilty person, but his silver-tongued lawyer enchanted me with the power of his rhetoric and the soundness of his legal arguments! The real crime is being too good at his job!’” –Ettorre

“Don’t make the same mistakes Wilbur did — which I will now illustrate with a PowerPoint slideshow. Get comfortable; this may take a while.” –Pozzo

“Living rent-free in Luke Martinez’s cowboy hat is going to come in real handy when Mimi kicks Gil out.” –But What Do I Know?

“So many questions … after the animals rose up and overthrew the humans, they kept Christmas? Do they still worship Jesus Christ? Did they replace him with some sort of animal stand-in? Santa (seeing how happy he is to see Slylock and Max) approves of all of this? Did his reindeer help with the animal-pocalypse or stay neutral? Are his reindeer anthropomorphic now?” –The Rambling Otter

“The difference between you and me is that YOU fear failure, and I have experienced it over and over again so often and so regularly I have developed a form of Stockholm Syndrome towards it and instead fear success!” –Applemask

“The methanol laced moonshine Snuffy’s been drinking has him seeing double but he can only count to five.” –Hibbleton

“I can tell by their expressions that the dogs are suffering from seasonal depression. Or maybe they’re sad because if the kids have aged, so have they. What’s five years in dog years? Uh oh.” –made of wince

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