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Mary Worth, 12/19/19

Man, that smile Mary has in panel two? That’s her realizing that she’s finally making headway in this, her most difficult meddle yet. Sure, Estelle’s been unlucky in love — but can she really be cajoled into falling for Wilbur, who didn’t seem like much of a catch even before his recent downward spiral? It would take all of Mary’s powers to achieve these goals, and the sense of satisfaction success would bring would warm her black heart for weeks. “And yet, despite his obsession with his ex-girlfriend, and his obnoxious drunken behavior, you miss him, Estelle? Very interesting. Very improbable. And very gratifying.”

Marvin, 12/19/19

Meanwhile, speaking of terrible smirks, I at first assumed Marvin was being incredibly smug about how his family had failed at Christmas, again. “Eh?” he seems to be saying. “My father has ruined the holidays, and my parents will fight over it for months to come? Eh?” But I think the reference to A Charlie Brown Christmas speaks to a more specifically mercenary malevolence: the horrible baby thinks that if his family takes in a sad, neglected tree, they’ll become universally beloved, just like Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, to which I respond: 75% of Peanuts strips aren’t about Charlie Brown shitting himself, kid.

Blondie, 12/19/19

Hey, Blondie trufans! Can you simply not get enough of such classic Blondie gags as “Dagwood carries a huge pile of boxes so you can’t see his face” and “Dagwood has a freakish, improbable hairstyle, with two bits of hair that were originally intended to be cowlicks now extending from his cranium like antennae?” Have you ever wanted both of these tried-and-true bits combined into one unbeatable punchline? Well, today’s strip is for you, my friends.

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Blondie, 12/10/19

There’s a fleeting, poignant little moment embedded in an already emotionally fraught scene in It’s A Wonderful Life that I think about a lot. After George has gone to Martini’s and ends up coming to blows with Mr. Welch, the husband of the teacher George has just berated for no reason over the phone, Martini throws Welch out of the bar and in the process declares that George is “his best friend,” which, c’mon, we all know that George thinks of Martini as nothing more than one of the Savings and Loan’s more colorful and ethnic shareholders and has literally never done anything social with him outside of the bar. Anyway, I’d like to imagine that It’s A Wonderful Lasagna is a remake where George and Martini really are best friends, and at the end of the movie the Baileys head down to Bailey Park to enjoy a delicious homemade lasagna that Mrs. Martini has prepared. Would that be great? Martini probably would think so, though George would no doubt prefer to stay on the nice side of town and eat unseasoned roast chicken or whatever the solid citizens of Bedford Falls think of as haute cuisine.

Mark Trail, 12/10/19

Do yetis whistle? Is whistling part of yeti lore? Does anyone remember that this storyline is supposed to be about yetis? I’VE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF BULLSHIT HERE AND I WANT TO SEE A DAMN YETI

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Blondie, 11/24/19

I don’t know why, but it bothers me so much that Dagwood refers to “giblet pawns” but the pieces in question very obviously do not look like organ meats at all! They just look like regular turkeys! Almost as if this strip, like most legacy comic strips, isn’t actually the creation of a single credited artist, but is rather put together assembly-line-style by hired hands, and one person wrote the joke and then the artist got the script and was like “no way in hell I’m going to draw weird turkey liver things, fuck that noise, I am not paid anywhere near enough.” I do appreciate that the drumstick-king isn’t just a drumstick, but actually a drumstick with a turkey face on it, which is some real body horror business, and also it’s wearing a crown and a wig. Just in case you thought the artist was a slacker. They’re clearly not. But giblet pawns were just a bridge too far.

Shoe, 11/24/19

hey

hey guys

hey you know what

y’all are birds

and birds

don’t give birth to live young

they

lay

eggs