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Lockhorns, 8/4/13

Today’s multi-Lockhorns experience brings us the usual marital friction — Leroy is terrified about their finances, Leroy never fixes things around the house, Loretta packs too many things, Leroy is and always has been out of shape — but then we get to the bottom left panel. Pizza? What kind of monster doesn’t appreciate two large, piping hot pizzas? We’re expected to recognize this as another sad moment in the Lockhorns marriage? You’ve gone too far this time, Lockhorns. Too far!

Crankshaft, 8/4/13

Young Crankshaft is sad and lonely because all of his friends are off playing with other kids! Old Crankshaft is sad and lonely because all of his friends are dead.

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Crankshaft, 8/1/13

I’m a little disappointed about Crankshaft’s insufferable he-yuppie neighbor’s poor grasp of economics. Agricultural jobs as a rule aren’t shipped overseas; agribusinesses are protected by tariffs and then resort to hiring the cheapest labor they can possibly find, often in the form of easy-to-exploit undocumented immigrants. Insufferable she-yuppie neighbor at least undersands that changing the formula so that work is done by old ladies makes for a poor business model.

Marvin, 8/1/13

Good lord, look at Marvin’s smug little smile in panel three. He’s all in favor of a gender-defined division of labor because he knows the patriarchy will be working to his benefit soon enough and because it gives him extra time to stew in his own poop. If he gets to ruin someone else’s sex life in the process, that’s just a bonus.

Mary Worth, 8/1/13

Yes, Mary Worth’s Sonoran Desert Heal-A-Thon continues to happen! Good news: As you can tell by Mary and June’s weird poses and increasingly rambling dialogue, the peyote is finally starting to kick in.

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Crankshaft, 7/9/13

One of Crankshaft’s go-to humor-producing techniques is “olds say the darndest things,” which I’m assuming is what this is supposed to be. Or maybe it’s “Grandma Rose is heartless and cruel and always will be,” another classic Crankshaft comedy gold mine. Whichever it is, though, today I approve of it, because it produced “Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things,” which is surely the greatest sentence that will appear in the comics all week, and perhaps all month. It’s positively poetic. In fact, I urge all of you poetically inclined folk to make it the first line in a poem of your own design in the comments. I expect Pulitzer Prize-winning greatness.

Spider-Man, 7/9/13

Holy crap, you guys, today’s Spider-Man pulls back the curtain on a White House scandal worse than the IRS + Benghazi + NSA spying times one billion! First we learned that the President answers each and every phone call from befuddled TSA agents nationwide, which surely isn’t an efficient use of his time. And he uses this bureaucratic power that he’s arrogated to himself to allow whatever liberal masked hoodlums he holds in high esteem to board our nation’s otherwise well-secured aircraft. But most damning is the fact that hanging in the Oval Office is a ghastly, miscolored parody of our national flag. That flag is red, white, and black — the same colors of the banner of Nazi Germany. WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP, SHEEPLE?????

Apartment 3-G, 7/9/13

Well, I guess I was wrong about us never seeing any of the fancy clothes that Lu Ann is being forced to try on by the creepy governor’s creepy svengali! Here she is wearing a fancy new gown. That’s what a fancy new gown looks like in real life, right? With a lacy collar? And a belt? And it’s all the color of Pepto-Bismol, including the collar and the belt? And it covers every inch of flesh below the collarbone and (I assume) above the wrists? This is high fashion?

Gasoline Alley, 7/9/13

Oh, goody, idiot man-child Slim, having been abandoned by his wife and obviously being unable to fend for himself in any way, is descending into catatonic depression. He’s already had one brush with insanity that he bounced back from, but we can only hope that his current downward spiral is permanent.