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Apartment 3-G, 8/2/11

So it’s becoming increasingly clear that Lu Ann’s ex-fiance’s wife is cousins with Lady Gaga (actual name: Stefani Germanotta), who will somehow be convinced to take time off from her fulfilling and lucrative career as a musician/provocateur to engage in some antics for little or no money at a middlebrow art gallery whose idea of a great show involved Lu Ann’s dumb paintings of ferns. This bizarre development fills me with trepidation over the A3G artist’s stubborn refusal to depict clothing that’s interesting or different from the norm in any way. Even if we just stay with the strip’s standard only-show-’em-above-the-shoulders technique, how will the art grapple with Lady Gaga’s well-known propensity for wacky hats?

Mark Trail, 8/2/11

Mark survived a vicious goose attack and discovered just why that old goose was so cranky: it had a heavy gold band around one of its legs! Look for Lost Forest to suddenly be overrun by grizzled old prospectors, attempting to strike it rich and mine the local goose population for precious metal.

IMPORTANT GEOPOLITICAL NEWS: Thanks to the many, many people who sent me definitive proof that Crankshaft is the 21st century’s greatest monster!

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Beetle Bailey, 7/30/11

General Halftrack’s request for a three-way has yielded a scenario that’s very, very different from his fantasies.

Crankshaft, 7/30/11

Crankshaft’s family has converted to Seventh Day Adventism, probably to provide an excuse to spend less time with him.

Family Circus, 7/30/11

Despite their parents’ attempts to teach them an orthodox theology, the Keane Kids still believe in zombies.

Gil Thorp, 7/30/11

Gil Thorp is somehow managing to make its new sexting storyline even duller than the last one.

Luann, 7/30/11

Luann and Quill have stumbled upon the world’s chastest orgy.

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Mark Trail, 7/16/11

You guys, Mark Trail is getting serious, for a minute! John Thrasher didn’t hide up in the hills because he hates people; he did because he has a problem — a problem called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, though that’s way too many syllables for a Mark Trail character to say. It’s really too bad that John’s father sent Mark Trail to extract him from his mountain lair, rather than, say, a trained and skilled mental health professional. Mark is the sort of guy who believes that the best thing to give a seriously depressed little girl is a puppy. Does he think he can similarly cure John’s PTSD by giving him a new pet? Because that would be ridicu … OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MARK TRAIL IS GOING TO RIP OFF THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN TRAINED DOGS HELPING TRAUMATIZED VETS STORYLINE!!!

Crankshaft, 7/16/11

I like the fact that Crankshaft is saying that he’s going to “break,” here. That’s the language of extreme interrogation methods, and it implies that this heat wave is actually God’s way of literally torturing Crankshaft, which I’m in favor of for obvious reasons.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/16/11

It’s also possible that Herb just has a really terrible sense of humor, which, considering he’s one of the protagonists of Herb and Jamaal, is probably the most likely scenario here.