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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/7/11

You really need to read the solution and think about its implications to this realize how gross today’s Slylock Fox is. That suitcase is full of stolen money and mammal milk, implicating the bear lady. (I wonder what will become of her cub when she’s sent to the slammer? Will it be sent to Ursine Foster Care, i.e., left in the forest to fend for itself?) Since we now know that a bird can’t be expected to have a milk bottle in her suitcase, we’re left to figure out for ourselves just how she’s going to feed her little chick en route. Is there hidden in that unopened suitcase a bottle full of fish guts that she vomited up? Or will she just be puking a portion of her airline-provided meal directly into her child’s mouth, disgusting all of her fellow passengers?

As a side note, the criminal bear’s bottle has not been placed in a ziplock bag and put through the x-ray separately from the rest of her luggage. I sure hope that’s what triggered the search of her suitcase, because it would be depressing to me if our human universe TSA’s regulations are even more pointlessly stringent than those in the world of Slylock Fox, which is a notorious police state.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/7/11

Parson Tuttle is a notorious grifter and fraud with little or no theological training, so it’s not that surprising that he’s desperately hitting up one of his community’s elders for some pearls of spiritual wisdom that he can drop into his Sunday sermons. I do love how incredibly put out he looks when Grampy finally gets to the point. “I can’t wait for my enemies to die, that’ll take forever! And killin’ ’em all just sounds like work.”

Crankshaft, 8/7/11

I’m not sure if either Abbot and Costello or The Who have really been victimized particularly badly here, but if Crankshaft wants to start apologizing for its terrible punchlines, I’m certainly not going stand in its way.

(Also, as faithful reader David Willis points out, today’s Crankshaft probably takes place a decade before today’s Funky Winkerbean, meaning that Crankshaft is dead, maybe! Hooray!)

Panel from Crock, 8/7/11

This right here pretty much says all you need to know about Crock.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/2/11

So it’s becoming increasingly clear that Lu Ann’s ex-fiance’s wife is cousins with Lady Gaga (actual name: Stefani Germanotta), who will somehow be convinced to take time off from her fulfilling and lucrative career as a musician/provocateur to engage in some antics for little or no money at a middlebrow art gallery whose idea of a great show involved Lu Ann’s dumb paintings of ferns. This bizarre development fills me with trepidation over the A3G artist’s stubborn refusal to depict clothing that’s interesting or different from the norm in any way. Even if we just stay with the strip’s standard only-show-’em-above-the-shoulders technique, how will the art grapple with Lady Gaga’s well-known propensity for wacky hats?

Mark Trail, 8/2/11

Mark survived a vicious goose attack and discovered just why that old goose was so cranky: it had a heavy gold band around one of its legs! Look for Lost Forest to suddenly be overrun by grizzled old prospectors, attempting to strike it rich and mine the local goose population for precious metal.

IMPORTANT GEOPOLITICAL NEWS: Thanks to the many, many people who sent me definitive proof that Crankshaft is the 21st century’s greatest monster!

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Beetle Bailey, 7/30/11

General Halftrack’s request for a three-way has yielded a scenario that’s very, very different from his fantasies.

Crankshaft, 7/30/11

Crankshaft’s family has converted to Seventh Day Adventism, probably to provide an excuse to spend less time with him.

Family Circus, 7/30/11

Despite their parents’ attempts to teach them an orthodox theology, the Keane Kids still believe in zombies.

Gil Thorp, 7/30/11

Gil Thorp is somehow managing to make its new sexting storyline even duller than the last one.

Luann, 7/30/11

Luann and Quill have stumbled upon the world’s chastest orgy.