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Crankshaft, 10/7/10

Every day this week, as I scroll my way through my Houston Chronicle custom comics page and get close to the Cs, I’ve thought to myself, “Surely — surely — today’s Crankshaft will not once again feature Jeff and Pam sitting in a hospital room, fondly repeating Crankshaft’s terrible pun-like utterances, while the ’Shaft himself lies nearby in an opiate-induced stupor.” Yet day after day, that is exactly what I find. You know how sometimes sitcoms have clip shows, where they save money by filming a few minutes of new material as a framing device around flashbacks to previous episodes? Well, at least those shows have the decency to show you the clips. This is the equivalent of a sitcom where the characters just sit around a room and say, “Hey, remember that time when something hilarious happened?” and then describe it. Oh, and also, it isn’t hilarious.

Since it’s rare to see Crankshaft wholly silent and motionless for four days in a row, I began to wonder if maybe he had died, of shame, after hearing all his terrible malapropisms repeated back to him. But then I remembered that he has no shame. He still might have died of an intestinal blockage, though.

Spider-Man, 10/7/10

Oh, sassy Spider-Man narration box, you never disappoint! So, in what ironic way will Aunt May be treated like a queen? Will she be beheaded in front of a jeering mob for her crimes agains the poor? Will she be forced to marry a perfect stranger in order cement an alliance between her land and a neighboring kingdom? Will her theater experience be ruined by peasants begging her to lay hands on them and cure their scrofula?

Pluggers, 10/7/10

Pluggers know that there’s no better revenge on your never-calling, never-visiting, never-thank-you-note-writing, rap-music-blaring grandchildren than a loving and detailed description of your sex life.

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Dennis the Menace, 10/4/10

The Mitchells’ pastor ought to be concerned about young Dennis’ decision to turn away from the Christian God and instead offer his worship to Skynet, the superintelligent computer network that will soon destroy us all.

Jumble, 10/4/10

As usual, I’m too dumb to actually solve the Jumble, but I do want to point out that “vomiting” would fit into the solution blanks nicely.

Luann, 10/4/10

After setting this foolproof plan in motion, TJ will head off to his job as a master cat burglar/puppeteer.

Mary Worth, 10/4/10

Let’s hope Jill Black at the hospital has some knife fighting experience, if that oh no nobody’s horning in on MY meddle expression on Mary’s face in panel two foreshadows things to come (and please, please, let it foreshadow things to come).

Slylock Fox, 10/4/10

Shady’s new membership in the Bloods is about to be revoked with extreme prejudice after the other gang members find out he obsessively hoards golden kitty-kat figurines.

Crankshaft, 10/4/10

“Also, we might occasionally be allowed to experience joy!”

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So ends the Fall 2010 Comics Curmudgeon Fundraiser — a sincere “thank you” to everyone for your generosity, patience, or both. It’s never too late to contribute, of course — that’s what the little button on the left is for — but no fund drives for six months or so, promise. Now y’all’ve been so nice, here’s an extra helping of Saturday comic goodness:

Mary Worth, 9/25/10

Mary prunes and preens in smug self-satisfaction, never more menacing than when she’s bent two young lives to her will — in this case, by engineering the world’s most logorrheic second date.

Charterstone used to have a gardener, the vaguely ethnic Carlos Alora, whom we haven’t seen for years: the shaping of all lives is now Mary’s alone, and here we see her greatest achievement. No, not the shapeless lump in her hand — that’s just something to bleach for dinner. It’s on the left, her own precious rose — odorless, bloodless, perfect, and white as the grave.

Gil Thorp, 9/25/10

First among the many charms of Gil Thorp is its fidelity to “sports” themes that bore even those few readers they don’t utterly baffle. For example, the team rosters are dutifully trotted out every season, as though we’re going to clear away the piles of sports memorabilia cluttering our dens to find a pen and paper and write them down. And then there are the sportsy “issues” that define the season — like that thing Coach Tod Andrews saw! Was it Milford’s second-half offense-bogging? Could it have been the exhaustion of senior linebackers Cody Exner and Marcus Tedford? Perhaps the overreliance on “Mr. Excitement”, “The Ghost”, Jamaar Gaddis? Or was it the rookiehood of QB Miles Paris?

Hey, wake up — see what I mean? Nobody cares. At least from a male heterosexual perspective, today’s strip boils down to, “Hey, cute glasses! Not much of an ass. Hmpf, Gil’s faking it again.” Then on to Hägar the Horrible.

Bizarro, 9/25/10

I just stuck this in ’cause I like it.

The Phantom, 9/25/10

On a quest to rescue his beloved Diana, the Phantom infiltrates Rhodia’s feared Gravelines Maximum Security Prison, which sports the world’s most adorable prison logo! Take a look:

That’s where I want to go on my next incarceration! Maybe when the lovebirds reunite they’ll hang out on the beach before they leave? It’s happened before!

Crankshaft, 9/25/10

Just a lame hospital joke, but hey: he had an intestinal blockage that cleared up on its own yesterday and he’s still in the hospital why, exactly? And can’t sleep why? Is son-in-law Jeff still spiking his Metamucil® with wallpaper paste?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/25/10

Oh, we’re deep into the Rex Morgan Problem now, folks — starts out all Rexy with the finger and the latex and the KY and the Whoooooooop!, but morphs into a legal whodunit about records disclosure, segues into a political contest of wills, and here we are at “shady developer.” ZZzzzz … wake me for the gunfire.

And seriously, for somebody whose prostate has become as famous as the other donuts down at the diner, Hizzoner looks awful cheery in panel 3. And look, he’s running for re-election, right? Tell me again why can’t he oppose Jason King’s strip mall now?

OK, look: this is a Saturday post, on a freaking Saturday! Is that worth a couple bucks, or what? I thought so! Thank you!

Whoooooooop!

— Uncle Lumpy