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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/6/11

America’s most isolated rural enclave falls at last to the scourge of mef. Soon Jughaid will be raising ‘Tater alone as Snuffy puts up the still for bail and Loweezy gives her sweet love to the Law. At least Hootin’ Holler is safe from mef mouf, due to its residents’ lack of teef.

Mary Worth, 3/6/11

Um, Dawn — if you want to sleep, how about turning your big incesty asphyxiation-play poster around to face the wall? I know I won’t be getting much sleep until you do.

Crankshaft, 3/6/11

To everyone who thinks Ed Crankshaft is a born asshole, he replies: “Assholes are made, not born! Watch me make one out of my son-in-law Jeff, here!”

And in a sign that the idea well at Crankshaft HQ is going dry, the creative process for today’s strip began, “Say, we haven’t done anything with Pam in a long time — there must be something we can do with Pam!”

Judge Parker, 3/6/11

Oh, poo. No murder, no impersonation — just an ambitious intern, “I know I’ve got what it takes”, tedious exposition (“other boss” WTF?), and blah blah blah. How is this different than Sophie’s cheerleader tryouts, exactly? Oh yeah — no audience or professional judging this time around. But hey — Alan’s enjoying the hell out of his Smug Chow, there.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 2/21/11

Last week’s big action in Crankshaft consisted of Rose, the ’Shaft’s son-in-law’s senile, unlikable mother, leaving the house out of spite after being told not to do so, and then falling on the ice, with no one around to help her. Apparently this week will be taken up entirely by Rose lying on the pavement, presumably terribly injured, cracking wise (or perhaps cracking senile dementia) as she slowly freezes to death. Crankshaft is, of course, the “light-hearted” Funkyverse strip, so grab your popcorn and get ready for a laugh riot of gradually numbing extremities.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/11

Every day, Lu Ann is discovering another one of the joys of dating the extremely dumb. Today she learns that you can use tired old clichés and they’ll think you’re incredibly smart and witty for coming up with them. My one regret about today’s strip is that there isn’t some audio accompaniment to make clear exactly how badly Paul botches the pronunciation of “curator.”

Dick Tracy, 2/21/11

I’m posting today’s Dick Tracy so you can compare it to Saturday’s and see that, yes, it’s just giving you the same basic information in a different sequence. This happens over and over again, forever, until the sun expands into a red giant, killing everybody. Today’s strip is mainly notable because “doze” is spelled “dose.” Presumably this is because, come on, who the hell would bother to edit Dick Tracy, though it’s possible that Dick is a closet dope fiend and is afraid to shoot up or take goofballs or whatever lest Toasterhead gain the upper hand. (The strip’s previous casual use of drug lingo may be instructive in this regard.)

Dennis the Menace, 2/21/11

OH SNAP DENNIS JUST CALLED AMERICA’S MOM A HO

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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/11

This is, without doubt, the saddest Beetle Bailey I’ve ever seen, sadder than all the “Beetle and Sarge have a forbidden love for one another” strips combined. Never mind the fact that Beetle’s family lives in some kind of bygone day when hand-written letters constitute the only means of communication at a distance; Beetle’s brother’s speculation that the soldier no longer loves his family is all the more heartbreaking for being so matter-of-fact. But the real emotional gut punch comes in the final panel. Little Chigger is young or stupid enough to think that the mere receipt of a letter is enough to maintain the emotional ties within the Bailey family; but the expressions on the faces of his parents show how devastated they are by Beetle’s affectless, demanding letter. They’ll send the money — if that’s the only way they can keep the thin thread between themselves and their son in place, they’ll do it — but something inside them has been snuffed out.

As a side note: Beetle’s brother is named “Chigger”? Really? As you may or may not know, Hi and Lois‘s Lois is Beetle’s sister, so we have to wonder what her real name was — Ladybug? — before she got married and fled this sad, creepy family for good.

Crankshaft, 1/23/11

Oh, look, it’s another cheery day in the Funkyverse. Today, we learn that you can either be driven mad by the horrible scratching of the vermin that live in your walls, or you can turn up the TV and be deafened with awful news about our nation’s economic crisis. Those are your choices!

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/11

Here’s the question I want to ask, doctor: why are you having Loweezy lower Li’l Tater into that enormous pie shell? How many more infants will you need to complete your monstrous baby pie, and who will be eating it?

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/23/11

Ah, the narcotic of television sedates unruly children and elders alike, putting them into a trance-like state so that they won’t bother you with their irritating opinions or desires. I preserve the first panel here mainly to note that Dennis the Menace has finally caught up to 1999, with unsettling results.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because spending time doing things with your wife that she enjoys is worse than the most heinous physical torture!

Hi and Lois, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because an open and honest relationship with your wife will be seen by your male friends as a betrayal!