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Crankshaft, 5/12/09

If the signature facial expression in Funky Winkerbean is the smirk that can’t come close to masking the pain, the signature facial expression in Crankshaft is the overwrought look of stricken horror that accompanies social embarrassment or discomfort. “Oh, no, my old father-in-law has forgotten that he will die soon!” “Oh, no, someone expressed an intimate sentiment in public!” “Oh, no, my son’s entry-level job doesn’t pay well!”

I have no idea why Pam is horrified today, mostly because I have no idea what the ’Shaft’s granddaughter is talking about here; probably she’s glad the robe is all-covering because she’s going to go streaking, or wear a bikini, or get a tattoo, or something, in which case Pam’s facial expression would mean “Oh, no, she’s planning on celebrating her graduation by having a good time!”

Baldo, 5/12/09

Tia Carmen is ever haunted by the grim specter of death, and her single slice of birthday pie cannot make her forget the creeping dread.

Lockhorns, 5/12/09

Meetings of the Hemlock Society are never particularly lively.

Mary Worth, 5/12/09

“You should judge everyone based on his own actions! For instance, you should judge your new friend based on the fact that he’s starting up an inappropriate romantic relationship with a key witness in an ongoing criminal investigation!”

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Spider-Man, 5/10/09

Against all odds, Spider-Man actually managed to defeat a super-villain! Naturally, this unheard-of triumph came because Spidey exploited Electro’s love for his son, not because he bested him in super-powered combat. Humbled by the fact that his mad scheme to make extort a fortune by cutting off electricity to millions caused his son a relatively minor injury, the moronically clad baddie will now meekly submit himself to imprisonment.

The greatest thing about this strip, of course, is the final panel’s NEXT! box. For while Electro was willing to face years in prison just to make sure his boy was all right, Peter dumped Aunt May unceremoniously in the parking lot of the hospital after the blackout caused her to have a minor heart-based freakout. Hopefully the next few days will feature Peter going about his business while the NEXT! box prompts him with increasing urgency: “NEXT! No, seriously shouldn’t you be checking up on her?”

Mary Worth, 5/10/09

“He’s a Nigerian gentleman! It seems that he was an official in the military government that held sway there in the mid 1990s, and has access to a Swiss bank account that contains millions in oil money! He says that he needs my help to get it out, and that he will donate most of it to charity, but that I’ll get a cut for my assistance … doesn’t it sound exciting?”

Crankshaft, 5/10/09

Crankshaft and Rose try to give their grandchildren a coded plea for help about the hell of elder abuse that their life has become, but the kids are too dense to pick up on it.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/23/09

It’s obvious that Tommie, the most passive of the three 3-G girls, isn’t going to fight or think her way out her current contretemps with three-time Creepy, Dangerous Father Of The Year winner Joe Kelly. Today, the contours of her rescue by braver souls are taking shape. First, Ruby will blind the not-so-good doctor by throwing toxic cleaning agents into his eyes; then, when he falls to the floor in pain, Margo will beat him to death with her umbrella.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/23/09

Hootin’ Holler’s only clergyman is a greedy fraud, so it should come as no surprise that the religious educational level of the shantytown’s children is in such a low state.

Crankshaft, 4/23/09

The guardians of baseball’s integrity have failed to stem the tide of substance-driven cheating with arguments such as “Cheating violates the integrity of baseball!” and “Using performance-enhancing drugs will harm your health!” As a result, they’re breaking out the heavy artillery. “Do you know who cheats at baseball? Do you? Dirty, filthy communists, that’s who!”

Crock, 4/23/09

The Lost Patrol has been wandering in the desert for years now with only each other for company, so it’s really no surprise that all four of them have herpes at this point. But it’s still kind of awkward to bring up, dude.