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Mary Worth, 2/6/09

I really thought that, once Frank showed up at practice in his hideous green-and-orange checked sweater, I had seen the worst fashion nightmare that this interlude had to offer; it was so grotesque that I barely even registered Mary’s magenta-t-shirt-over-black-long-sleeve-shirt combo. But then he stood up and OH MY GOD THE PANTS THE PANTS! He’s wearing those same damn electric blue sansabelt slacks that every single male in this strip wears, somehow achieving a color combination even more appalling than the sweater alone. It will all make this promised resurrection of Frank and Mary’s “old pair moves” (which, by the way, what the hell) into a vomit-inducing swirl of clashing hues that in any just universe would end on the ice in a heap of shattered bones.

I’m intrigued by the Venn diagram hanging on the wall behind our protagonists. I’m assuming it’s a subliminal message about this pair, showing the overlap between “insufferable know-it-alls who think they’re always right” and “clueless morons who think that profound problems can be fixed very quickly.” The horizontal line at the bottom represents our rapidly shrinking will to live.

Crankshaft, 2/6/09

Say, it’s another cheery Crankshaft funeral strip! At least today’s installment isn’t being used to set up a fart joke. No, instead, the ’Shaft is declaring that every morning that he drags his arthritic, pain-wracked, bile-drenched body out of bed, when all he really wants to do is pass into the great beyond and end his suffering, is an act of vengeance. Who he’s getting revenge on is left unsaid — probably God Himself, Whose creation Crankshaft continues to defile with each day that he clings to life. The ’Shaft’s thousand-mile stare in the final panel seems to indicate that he realizes the enormity of declaring vengeance on his own Creator, but he feels honor-bound to keep it up until the end, when his friends will make terrible puns over his own embalmed corpse or cremains urn.

Spider-Man, 2/9/09

Aww, look at that! It seems that, even though they’re on opposite sides of the law, Spider-Man and Electro have quite a bit in common! See, they both need to find places to hide their costumes from their loved ones, in their microscopic New York homes! Also, despite their spandex-clad fame/notoriety, they’re both hard up for cash to pay their bills! Also, they’re both boneheaded mouth-breathing moronic chumps!

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Mark Trail, 1/30/09

Uh-oh! Looks like we’re going to be getting to the punchery much sooner than anticipated! Obviously, the world of Mark Trail does not conform to our simple linear Earth-logic, but there are a few things going on here that are laughable even by this strip’s standards:

• It’s laughable that any adult human — even one as demonstrably dim as poor deerophilic Patty — would require photo-taking instructions so basic as to make it seem that she’s never encountered one of these so-called “cameras” before. “And you promise that this won’t actually put you and Bucky inside the little box, right?”
• It’s laughable that someone would be jealous at discovering Mark alone with his wife, as anyone who’s exchanged two sentences with the man would realize that sex baffles and terrifies him.
• It’s laughable that anyone would be able to clench his hand into a fist within half a mile of Mark without Mark hearing the tell-tale crinkling of palm-flesh and instantly being on the alert. WATCH OUT, KEN!

Marvin, 1/30/09

“Hmm, I seem to have written a joke that requires the grandfather character to be asleep without the reader realizing it until the third panel! This is tricky because, according to my research, most people close their eyes when they sleep, and eyes are something I draw when I do cartoons. Hmm, let me think, let me think … I could have him wear sunglasses, inside for some reason … no, that doesn’t make sense. Or, I could draw his regular eyeglasses such that you can’t see his pupils. That is at odds with how I’ve drawn him every other time he’s appeared in the strip, but, as I think I mentioned, I already came up with the joke, so it’ll have to do.”

Crankshaft, 1/30/09

If there’s one thing guaranteed to shock and disgust Crankshaft, it’s a sincere expression of human affection.

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Dick Tracy, 1/28/09

I spent longer than I care to recount staring at the final panel of this cartoon, trying to figure out what Dick was getting at. Was there some other way to pronounce “perfume” that would cause this apparent play on words to make some sort of sense? “Especially because you’re making perfume for my wife. Or is it per-foom-ay? Just like your house went a-boom-ay? Wait, no, hold on a second…” Eventually, I figured out that the final word panel should be read as “Or is it perfume?” I don’t want to single out Dick Tracy, because Random Bolding Syndrome is an affliction that strikes virtually every comic ever created, though some more than others (*cough* Mark Trail *cough*). Here’s a helpful tip for comics artists: try reading your dialogue aloud, adding emphasis, before committing it to word balloons, OK?

I did not, however, have to think very long to figure out what Dick was getting at with “Just want to know you better” in the first panel; obviously it involves electrodes, sensitive body parts, pleas for mercy, etc.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/09

I can’t even begin to tell you how unsettled I am by panel two Rex, with his pursed, fleshy lips and suddenly beady and lizard-like eyes. Maybe he’s trying to cut his usual condescending tone to his wife by feigning a sympathetic and concerned facial expression, but he has no real idea what that would look like, so he’s just flexing his face muscles at random and hoping for the best. Meanwhile, in panel three, Rex and June look less like they’re discussing the abstract possibility of some little boy they don’t know being lost, and more like they’ve been given some terrible, devastating piece of personal news, like “Little Sarah didn’t get into that elite pre-school because they found her uncanny and creepy” or “Honcho Magazine no longer has home delivery.”

Crankshaft, 1/28/09

It’s good to know that the ’Shaft occasionally feels a frisson of remorse for his many monstrous crimes.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/09

“Love! Happiness! The giddiness of a new relationship! I … I … does not compute! Should I just slit her throat now and make a run for it?”