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Gil Thorp, 7/9/09

Despite my many gripes about it, I genuinely, unironically enjoy Gil Thorp for any number or reasons, one of which is its tendency to bring back beloved characters from deranged storylines past. Today’s returning guest star is the wonderful Ted Pearse, first discovered in the ghetto of Milford in late 2005 teaching the kids straight-up streetball, which it turned out he was well acquainted with because he lived on those very streets, as a homeless person, which caused the Mudlarks’ rival schools’ fans to taunt him by dressing up as hobos at games. Anyway, it now appears that he’s gotten a haircut and moved up in the world, to the extent that he can make Gil’s eyes go wide with the prospect of gainful employment. Perhaps Ted has graduated from Oliver Twist to Fagin, and Gil will be forced to spend the summer picking pockets and running petty scams to earn his daily bowlful of gruel.

Judge Parker, 7/9/09

Speaking of beloved characters from the past, did you know that global warming prophet/awesome cheerleader Sophie has a hotter, older sister named Neddy? You wouldn’t if you’ve only started reading Judge Parker in the last two years! Neddy has been studying art in Paris for all that time, living in a fab French apartment that Abbey bought for her from one of Neddy’s bio-relatives on a whim for a seven-figure sum (don’t ask). Now she’s returning … and with a friend! This makes Sam look concerned, because he hates people and is suspicious of your so-called “friendship.” Who will this mysterious friend be? If we’re lucky, it will be Cedric, who was working as a temp butler in said Paris apartment when Abbey and Neddy arrived (DON’T ASK); Cedric is handy with a gun and had a 21-year-old wife who was jealously stalking Neddy because of his admitted thing for teenage girls. If we’re really lucky, it will be this charming sociology grad student/hooker.

Mary Worth, 7/9/09

Mary Worth, in contrast, exists in an eternal, timeless present. The current storyline happens, and is all that ever happens, and when it ends the guest stars are hustled off into the grey mists that hover at edge of Santa Royale. While some, like Aldo, are literally killed, others, like Chester the dog, and Von and Vera, and Ron the city councilstud, and what’s-their-name, the couple where the husband kept trying to keep his wife plump, simply vanish, never to be heard from or thought about again, while new victims are drawn out from the same ether that surrounds Mary’s reality. Are we honestly expected to believe that Delilah and Charlie are real people who existed before they walked on stage this month, despite the fact that those of us who’ve been reading the strip for nearly seven years now have never once heard of them? Poppycock. There are certain themes, certain moments of eternal return that do recur, however. We know, for instance, that deep beneath Mary’s helpful facade is a terrible rage waiting to be unleashed, and that, when you see the anger lines radiating from her as we do here, an awful vengeance is brewing. Mary, stuck in her timeless world, may not even know what she’s capable of, but we know. We know, and we wait with eager anticipation.

(Speaking of things that we faithful readers remember, those with fond memories of Aldomania may enjoy today’s Something Positive strip, though be warned that after viewing it you’ll never be quite right again.)

Crankshaft, 7/9/09

In other news, Crankshaft is using his summer job as an ice cream truck driver as an excuse to follow scantily clad young women around while furtively masturbating.

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Momma, 7/7/09

Oh, let’s review the biography and career of Nero’s momma, shall we? Agrippina the Younger was born into Rome’s first imperial dynasty, the Julio-Claudians. She was married off to an aristocrat at the age of 13, and gave birth to her only child at 22. After her brother Caligula became emperor, rumors were that he was sleeping with all three of his sisters and offering them up to his friends at orgiastic dinner parties. Later in his reign, Agrippina and her sister Livilla conspired with their cousin Lepidus (who was sleeping with both of them) to assassinate Caligula; the plot failed, and the sisters were stripped of their fortune and exiled to a small Mediterranean island, where they had to learn to dive for sponges for a living. When Caligula was successfully assassinated, they were recalled to Rome, and Agrippina eventually seduced the new Emperor Claudius (who was also her uncle) and became empress; the emperor adopted her son Nero. Claudius eventually died — poisoned by his young wife, it was rumored — and 17-year-old Nero became emperor. Mother and son quickly became embroiled in a power struggle, as Agrippina had apparently thought she would be running the empire; she tried various tactics for keeping him under her thumb (including, it was rumored, sleeping with him), until he finally decided to kill her. He arranged for her to take a sea voyage on a booby-trapped boat, which sunk, but Agrippina’s swimming talents allowed her to swim safely to shore, so Nero just sent assassins to stab her to death. Later, he viewed her corpse and remarked on how beautiful she was.

Now, much of this — particularly her supposed intimate relations with her son, and the story that she killed Claudius — is thought by modern historians to be propaganda put out by Agrippina’s political enemies. But still, it adds an interesting bit of deep historical background to the strip’s typical Oedipal horrorshow.

Mary Worth, 7/7/09

Wow, there are exactly two instances I can remember when Mary looked this mad, and that’s when she dropped the capisce-bomb on Aldo and when drunken Rita broke her precious swans. Clearly Mr. Smith is going to end up either at the bottom of a gorge in a heap of twisted metal or exiled to the hellscape that is the Downtown Women’s Shelter. But by the way the two adversaries are sizing each other up in panel two, I’m hoping that first there’ll be a no-holds-barred martial arts battle, with lots of Hong Kong-style wire work.

Crankshaft, 7/7/09

Ha ha, Crankshaft is an angry old dick with no customer service skills! Actually, though, he’s subbing for a friend in the ice cream truck for the summer; I think he might find if he checks some of those unmarked boxes in the back, that the truck is in fact funded by pixie dust, or other two-word phrases that end with “dust.”

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Spider-Man, 7/2/09

After a few terrifying and disorienting days in which super-powered characters were locked in something resembling combat, Spider-Man has returned to its more reassuringly typical fare of whining and overblown anxiety. Like many a disappointed visitor, Wolverine is discovering that there are literally only two entertainment options in New York: feeding pigeons or seeing plays featuring the stars of direct-to-DVD superheroine films.

Meanwhile, Spidey is worried about Wolverine discovering that he’s married to Mary Jane for reasons that he can’t even bring himself to speak aloud as he web-slings his way aimlessly through Manhattan. Honest question, from someone less conversant in the superhero genre than you might think: do superheroes need to hide their secret identities even from … each other? I mean, did Superman and Batman hang around the Justice League and Batman would say, “You know what really bugs me? The liberal media! Like, have you read that Clark Kent guy? He’s so obviously biased!” and then Superman would say “Well, what about that jerk Bruce Wayne? Inherited all that money and is he doing anything worthwhile with it? He’s probably putting most of it into overseas tax dodges!” That all just seems awkward.

On the other hand, Spidey may just be worried that Wolverine will figure things out, and after seeing MJ’s latest wooden, unlikable performance, think, “Geez, Spider-Man married that no-talent hack? I think so much less of him now!” Don’t worry, Spidey: he can’t possibly think any less of you than he already does.

Apartment 3-G, 7/2/09

OK, Nora, we know it’s a woman’s prerogative to tweak her both the style and color of her hair on a whim, and normally I’d say that I like what those highlights are doing for you. But look, hair is literally the only way we have to tell Apartment 3-G characters apart, and so when a single character goes from a Marilyn Quayle flip to something short and spunky to this shaggy number with bangs here, it makes it hard for us readers to get our grip. Please, the men are already a lost cause; don’t encourage the women to become wholly unrecognizable as well!

Crankshaft, 7/2/09

Aww, did someone’s editor finally get a complaint from the syndicate’s legal department about his main character’s pyromaniacal tendencies? I think that, rather than annoy us with this pissy, passive-aggressive caption, the strip should have taught us a valuable lesson by showing us the consequences of violence, particularly if those consequences include the horrible, hateful Crankshaft being blinded, or at least losing a hand.