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Crankshaft, 9/11/24

I’m delighted by Cayla’s puzzled look in panel one: “Somebody wants to talk to Les? Why?” But I’m deeply disturbed by the invasion of Crankshaft by Funky Winkerbean characters, locations, and themes, the way a parasitic snail consumes its host from within. I mean, if you’re going to end your comic strip why not, y’know, just end it?

I can certainly respect Team Crock for wanting to maintain the ol’ revenue stream, and genuinely admire the sleight of hand by which For Better or For Worse ducked mass cancellations by camouflaging its transformation into a zombie strip. But I can’t think of a reason for this Crankshaft takeover unless … unless … (in a whisper that seemed to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising wind) the intent all along was to terminate Crankshaft and keep Funky going.

Heathcliff, 9/11/24

Ah, but here’s some comic relief: at the slightest provocation, Heathcliff entertains murderous revenge fantasies about his owner! Although I guess that’s pretty much all cats; carry on.

Zits, 9/11/24

The Sara character always gets a pass in Zits: popular, caring, socially adept, blah blah blah, never the butt of the joke. But today’s strip gives the game away. Even people who talk this way don’t talk this way with confidantes, so Sara is using Jeremy as either a stooge or a mark. What, then, is her sinister plan? Pull a Snuffy Smith and take over Jeremy’s strip from within? Use Zits as a platform to invade some other strip like Les Moore is using Funky to insinuate his way into Crankshaft? Get adopted into wealth by Judge Parker‘s Abbey Spencer (with D’ijon as Sara’s Sassy Black Girlfriend)? Time will tell. In the meantime, Jeremy has a raisin up his nostril.

Rex Morgan, 9/11/24

Truck is intrigued: “These bicycles you speak of—one sits on them, does one not? Because, Parker, God gave me a gift. I sit. I sit very well.”

—Uncle Lumpy

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Luann, 9/6/24

I won’t trouble you with the months-long “Brad and Toni consider having a child, then reconsider after caring for Toni’s niece Shannon” narrative. But it firmly established two principles of marital sex (ugh, “romance”) in Luann: 1) Sex is permitted for procreation only, and 2) the presence of a child in the home absolutely precludes any sex. That’s why Brad looks so giddy in the last panel: he knows he’ll have sex with his wife exactly once in the next eighteen years, so he figures it must be really great.

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/6/24

These people, on the other hand, are having sex all the time, on pianos, under restaurant booths, in showers, and most of all in lakes. All, with the merciful exception of Lolly there, who is underage and just talks about sex all the time while her swain Alistair mumbles and hiccups erotically in reply. Hugh may be a foul-mouthed brute, but he’s an articulate foul-mouthed brute.

Pluggers, 9/6/24

Married pluggers acknowledge and respect their spouses’ separate interests, and remain affectionate with no need to climb all over each other all the time. Pluggers are well-adjusted!

Crankshaft, 9/6/24

Apparently the Burnings referenced in the final days of Funky Winkerbean started when Les Moore bought copies of the banned Fahrenheit 451 for “Booksmellers” to give away to his students. Pretty on-brand that the insufferable Les triggered a civilization-ending apocalypse! Pretty efficient of a censor-arsonist to target bookstores: “Eh, choosing’s hard; I’ll just burn all the books!” And pretty surprising that Lillian’s walkup firetrap survived the blazes.

Or is it? We know Lillian is a spiteful harridan who ruined sister Lucy’s love life out of petty envy, and left her to die alone in hospice care. Is it really beyond her to torch competitors, the bastards, so she can maybe sell a few damn books once in a while? Don’t dig too deep, Skip Townes, you may not like what you find!

Why hello there, faithful reader! I’m subbing for Josh through Sunday the 22^nd, with a sampling of the Comics Even Josh Won’t Read Because He Doesn’t Have To, as well as plenty of old familiars. If you run into any issues with the site or subscriber emails contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net and I’ll do what I can to help. Enjoy!

—Uncle Lumpy

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/14/23

Recessions are grim in a barter economy. As scarce goods are consumed or worn out, folks commence to hoardin’, losing opportunities for mutually advantageous exchange. Service exchanges could rise to fill the gap, but in a semi-literate society with poor communications infrastructure it’s hard for folks to find anyone who both can do what they want and wants what they can do (there’s an exception, but ew).

Despite his brave little smile, Snuffy is hard-hit. He is shif’less, owns nothing of value, and has no talents besides cheatin’, thievin’, an’ feudin’. King Features even took away his moonshine business! In an economic downturn, when people stop gambling, keep a closer eye on (or move in with) their chickens, and start conserving ammunition, he’s stuck. So he commandeers the Hootin’ Holler Lost’N’Found, hoping that a) someone will misplace an item of value, b) someone else will return it, and c) he can use or trade it. A precarious value chain, to be sure!

In reality, kind-hearted neighbors use the “Lost’N’Found” ruse to bring him “lost” clothing and food items—even the occasional chicken—to help the Smifs keep their heads above water, and their pride. Heartwarming, really. Everyone in the holler hopes things will get better soon, at which point Snuffy will go back to cheating, robbing, and shooting them.

Luann, 8/14/23

Aaaaaaaand jump-cut from “Pool Party” to “Gun and Bets on the Road.” Doesn’t look like they sprung for the Subaru engine conversion, does it? But hey, those rollup flatbeds charge by the mile: how far did you two get—downtown? Second base?

Blondie, 8/14/23

Are newspaper comics rushing autumn all of a sudden? First Tuesday Chik gets her pumpkin ready for Halloween and now Blondie here is hawking its precious spice. Is August so terrible? Sure it’s hot (“Dog Days,” duh) and doesn’t have any holidays, but the corn and watermelon are ripe, and it’s a great time for a lake vacation. I think these strips could learn to live a little more in the moment, is all.

Crankshaft, 8/14/23

Perestroika (перестройка) was Mikhail Gorbachev’s largely ineffective restructuring of the Soviet economy and bureaucracy. It started in May, 1985 and petered out around 1987—the first year of publication for the largely ineffective comic strip Crankshaft.

Well, that’s it for me! Stay tuned for Josh’s Triumphant Return—the elephants, trumpeters, and palanquin bearers are already warming up, and the largesse pots are brimming. I had a good time; thanks, everybody!

—Uncle Lumpy