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Mary Worth, 9/4/26

Nelly Feneley has been spending all week seething about how terrible everything is these days, but we’ve been wondering how this would intersect with Ian and Mary laffing it up in the car. Well, here’s your answer! Nelly has decided that Ian and Mary are having sex! That sounds horrible, of course, but remember, Nelly thinks everything around her — food, dogs, the Charterstone condominium community — is bad. And what sort of sexual relationships would you think might occur in the worst of all possible worlds? Mary/Ian, right? Mary and Ian doin’ it on the reg would be a sure sign that you were living in hell, wouldn’t it? That you were being tormented with this knowledge by a wrathful God, for your many sins?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/4/26

Ah, well, it appears that the scam twins, having been repeatedly stymied in their attempts to make something interesting happen in Glenwood, are going to leave town. At least they’ve learned something, though, right? Well, no. But they’ve made an impression on the locals, and maybe taught them a thing or two? Also no.

Crankshaft, 9/4/26

A sassy pizza robot with a built in laser: another thing that syndicated newspaper cartoonists think is AI, but isn’t. But this might end with Ed Crankshaft being killed, with the aforementioned laser, so I’m willing to see how it plays out.

Shoe, 9/4/26

Ha ha, comics sure have changed over the years! In the early days of this strip in the ’80s, the punchline here would be about the Perfesser watching girls in leotards on his TV and getting horny. But now it’s in 2026, and the punchline is about how he has crippling depression.

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Judge Parker, 8/22/26

Hey, remember how Neddy was freaking out because April, or maybe a fake April, was coming to violently drag Charlotte off into her world of intrigue and spycraft? Well, let’s check in on how that exciting story is goi– oh, what’s that you say? It’s endless boring emotional processing, as predicted? Ah well. Let’s check back a few weeks from now, or maybe never.

Crankshaft, 8/22/26

Hey, remember how Crankshaft dragged Harry away in the middle of choir practice for some mysterious and very important reason? Well that reason was that Montoni’s, a place that Harry has visited before since he lives in Westview and everything in Westview revolves around Montoni’s for some god-forsaken reason, has a picture of Harry’s dad and his band on the wall, proving that Montoni had served mediocre Ohio-style pizza to not one but two generations of Dinkles. Harry never noticed the picture before because of his trauma, probably, but now that he’s made peace with the fact that his dad was a neglectful drunk, he apparently is happy to learn the extremely boring fact that his dad also bought pizza from the local pizza-making restaurant.

Dennis the Menace, 8/22/26

Look, I guess Monopoly is a game about business, sort of, but I don’t think Henry should’ve required Dennis to dress in business casual just to play it.

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Crankshaft, 8/19/26

The last time Crankshaft and Harry Dinkle started an adventure together, Crankshaft looked real cherry but it ended up with Harry confronting the truly depressing circumstances of his father’s death. Now Ed has shown up at his place of work to drag him off on some other journey and he looks pissed, so maybe this time will turn out to be more fun for Harry, or maybe Crankshaft has just decided to murder him and put him out of his misery.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/19/26

At one point the scam twins were thinking about kidnapping a child, but then they realized that would not only get them in a lot of trouble, but also make this strip dangerously exciting, so now they’re trying to negotiate down to an acceptable level of plot development. I love the idea that squatting is too much of a commitment to bother doing. Like, most people squat just because that means they get to live someplace for free, but in the Twins’ conception, they’d be squatting for revenge, which means they’d have to stick around even if it turns out that the Morgan house has bad vibes or is unpleasant to be inside (it definitely does and is).

Beetle Bailey, 8/19/26

Hey, General, I just want to point out that the U.S. has fought in, like, several wars in the time that you’ve been an officer. Heck, there’s one going on right now! I know what you mean is that you want to have been in one of the cool ones, not the cringe wars we keep finding ourselves in lately, but still, I feel like you shouldn’t be quite so vocal on this point at the office if you don’t want to find yourself abruptly in the field.