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Crock, 2/13/22

“Trooper Megan” was added to the case of Crock years ago in an attempt to mollify the woke mob who threatened to cancel this widely beloved strip because its gang of scrappy, lovable French people imposing colonial rule on Algeria were all, sexistly, men. Unfortunately, we can see that true equality has not been achieved in the Foreign Legion, because Megan is primarily in charge of the occupation’s emotional labor.

Dustin, 2/13/22

Dustin is, of course, a strip about put-upon old people and the young people they have to deal with in their lives, who are, a result of their youngness, terrible. And you might ask: what are young people supposed to take away from this? Why should they get on board? Well, today’s strip makes it clear: there’s always someone younger and more terrible than you to look down on.

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Dustin, 2/4/22

“I mean, why would I stress about that? That whole thing is Dustin’s generation’s problem, and I don’t even like him! Anyway, if anyone needs me for the next hour, I’ll be in the bathroom, shitting.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/4/22

Wow, it’s kind of amazing that Rex and June spent so much endless and extremely uninteresting time musing about whether Sarah could emotionally handle the publicity and fame of being a big-shot author about a cat who’s also a cop, and yet apparently didn’t bother checking to see if the Morgan family could legally and financially handle it if she got sued. Was this guy their lawyer then? He’d better hope he wasn’t, because Rex in panel three definitely looks like he’s going to murder whatever lawyer fucked this up, right before he murders Kyle Vidpa.

Beetle Bailey, 2/4/22

Hey, remember in the ’90s, when potato chip companies tried to market chips made with a zero-calorie fat substitute called “Olestra” despite the fact that they had to put a label on the bags that said, in a phrase that I assume was the end product of a lot of hilarious back-and-forth with the FDA, that they caused “loose stools”? Frito Lay’s version of these chips were marketed under the WOW brand, something that just popped into my mind, probably for no reason.

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Dustin, 1/25/21

Dustin of course has a core mission of depicting the life of the shiftless, no-good kids today, as interpreted by someone who’s only heard anything about the lived experiences of any human being under the age of 35 second- or third-hand, which is how you get recurring bits like “Young people today definitely meet prospective romantic partners primarily at fern bar, right?” I was briefly intrigued that earlier this week Dustin appeared to have given up on his intermittent work through a temp agency and instead chose to join the “gig economy” in an actually Zoomer-appropriate storyline. But virtually all my interactions with people delivering for Grubhub and its competitors involve getting a text that they’ve left it on my porch, or at most waving at someone through my front window as they book it to their next delivery scheduled by their cruel algorithmic taskmaster, so I’m going to go ahead and say the Dustin creative team also thinks that “Those food apps the kids use today are just like pizza delivery, right? Probably you pay the guy in cash after he hands you the food?” Anyway, usually a strip like this would put a cutesy faux-app name on Dustin’s hat, so this is a really great opportunity for Grubhub to sue somebody.

Mary Worth, 1/25/21

I love the way that Dawn is grappling with the problem of evil — “why would God allow something bad to happen to someone good?” — and Estelle’s response is that “Oh, actually, your father’s a hair-trigger drunk, sorry if you were somehow unaware of this. It’s my fault, really, except not, if you think about it. I’m definitely crying for real though.”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/25/21

“Sorry, no, I was too busy dwelling on the fact that nobody has ever suffered the way I’d suffered, so I couldn’t be bothered to do a few minutes of token labor to keep alive some creatures that really brought a great deal of joy to your mother, the person I was ostensibly mourning, until I started having hallucinations. Anyway, in a related story, remember how you ate mostly cracker crumbs out of the couch cushions for all of second grade?”