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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/15

“Ohhhh, a midwife helps you get the baby out of your tummy! No, when I said ‘help,’ I meant help make the baby. With sex! Sex doesn’t really seem like it’d be daddy’s bag, is what I’m saying. And even if it was, I don’t think he’d be very ‘helpful’ to you. If you follow me. I’m a disturbing child-adult!”

Family Circus, 12/2/15

Mommy’s look of crushing despair is perfect. Remember, you can lead a kid to church, week after week, but you can’t make them think (about Jesus or God or salvation or the golden rule or selflessness or anything but presents, sweet sweet presents).

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Slylock Fox, 11/16/15

Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say the answer to today’s mystery is a little grim. “When the animals rose up and seized human civilization, they gained control of our machines without fully understanding the legal and social safeguards we had built up to protect ourselves from the dangers of what we had created! In the first few years of the Forest Government regime, the roads were littered with corpses.”

Apartment 3-G, 11/16/15

Hey guys, a certain extremely handsome comics blogger was quoted in a New York Times from last week; the author of the article also managed to get a definitive statement from King Features that Apartment 3-G is going away at the end of the week. Now that you know that, aren’t you glad that the strip is spending at minimum a seventh of its remaining time in newspapers resolving the whole thing where Margo’s mom was being swindled by a psychic wedding planner? WE CAN SLEEP EASY NOW.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/15

Good news! The board has rubber stamped Heather’s Milton’s decision to not sell the company, and is about to expel Hugh to boot. This is actually good for him, because as an outsider he’ll have an easier time suing the entire board for corporate malpractice, when it becomes public that all the stuff he’s saying about his father being medically unfit and the company being run by a nanny are completely, 100% true.

Mark Trail, 11/16/15

OK, we all had fun with all the punching last week, but I’m going to go ahead and say that Ken calling his fist a “lullaby machine”, because it renders so many people unconscious by inducing brain trauma, is a little disturbing. I’m assuming that while Mark is prattling on about shoes in panel two Ken is kissing each of his knuckles, one by one.

Hi and Lois and Family Circus, 11/16/15

Billy and Ditto are generally depicted as nothing but surly and unpleasant in these strips, so I’m just going to assume that all of today’s dialogue is extremely sarcastic.

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Family Circus, 11/11/15

The “Keane Kid looks disheveled and drops his stuff on the ground and leans back on the door as he arrives home from school” is a bit of visual shorthand for “tough day” that the Family Circus deploys a lot. I’ve always had minor practical gripes with it (don’t the kids all come home from school together? are Jeffy and Dolly outside pounding on the door trying to get in?) but today it occurred to me that it also kind of looks like Billy has run desperately into the house and is trying to keep out someone — or something. Something that stalked and devoured the children sitting on either side of Billy in his classroom. But he made it out alive, by remaining absolutely silent.

Spider-Man, 11/11/15

So this lady who straight-up bashed in the Atlantean guard’s helmets with a club of some sort is … just some random doctor? Who wanders the docks of New York, looking for fish-children to forcibly rescue? I did a cursory Google search for “Liz Bellman” and “marvel” and have satisfied myself that this isn’t the secret identity of some random long-standing Marvel superhero/villain who I’m not familiar with but who will be starring in a Netflix original MCU series in 2017, but please be sure to correct me in the comments if I’m wrong!

Marvin, 11/11/15

Marvin, you’re starting a bank to bilk babies out of money they don’t have and your hobby is shitting yourself. Please don’t try to pop-shame your father.