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Blondie, 6/15/16

I actually spent some time (OK, fine, like a minute and a half, but still) trying to figure out if there were some real cloud storage service that used a pig as a mascot. Because when a technical annoyance happens to a character in a legacy comic strip, I generally assume that that precise annoyance has also happened to someone involved in the creation of that legacy comic strip. I still sincerely believe that someone encountered the phrase “upgrade to pro” and thought “You know who needs to be upgraded to pro? Dagwood Bumstead, a character I write jokes about, that’s who! Hey-oooh.”

Pluggers, 6/15/16

“Sure,” pluggers thought. “Your kids? They’re disappointments. Always wanting money. Never applying themselves at school. Never calling just say hi. But grandkids — grandkids are where the fun are.” This is the moment when the scales fall from their eyes. This is the moment when pluggers see — really see — exactly what it’s all about.

Shoe, 6/15/16

In yet another example of why the bird-people of Shoe should not participate in jokes that at all involve bird metaphors, the Perfesser has ordered some infants of his kind through the mail (which is something that you totally can do) and plans to raise one in order to marry her.

Family Circus, 6/15/16

“Maybe one day we’ll run off together,” Mommy whispers to PJ inside. “Maybe just the two of us. Maybe we’ll do it tonight.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/16

You do have a fairy godmother, Sarah! A narrative fairy godmother. Just accept it! THERE’S NO ESCAPE

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Gil Thorp, 6/9/16

Holy crap, I’ve been reading Gil Thorp for more than a decade and I’m reasonably sure this is the first time they’ve actually killed off a character! (I’m not counting the time Coach Kaz punched a guy in the brain.) The victim was sassy, beloved Boo Radley, who briefly dated golden boy True Standish and just pitched a no-hitter; she died in a multi-car pileup caused by drunken Pa Bader, who decided that driving sober was for people who can’t close. Will his monster of a son still obnoxiously defend him now that he’s killed one of his own classmates? Probably not, since there’s only like a week or two left until the end of the spring storyline. Anyway, things are gonna get grim!

Family Circus, 6/9/16

This senseless tragedy really puts Billy’s petty problems in perspective, doesn’t it? Still, I appreciate the effort he’s going to here to really wallow in his gloom. He’s wearing all black, to commemorate the day he turned his back on the God who failed him and pledged his allegiance to Satan.

Blondie, 6/9/16

At least we can count on the solid, charming laughs of Blondie to cheer us up! Ha ha, poor people, am I right? What a bunch of scam artists!

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Mary Worth, 6/1/16

Guys, I’m not very good at yoga, but I’ve been doing it semi-regularly, at home with videos and in classes, for nearly a decade now, and I can assure you that the amount of yogi smack talk that happens is minimal. Also, I mean, I don’t mean to doubt the yoga prowess of mustachio’d part-time substitute art history instructor Harlan Jones, but I’ve been trying and failing to do crow pose for nearly the whole time I’ve been practicing yoga, and taraksvasana seems, like, a lot harder, so I don’t think he’s gonna master that in one night? Don’t push yourself too hard, friend! Your body is your best teacher: if you feel a sharp pain, stop, pull back, try again later! I actually dearly hope Dawn discovers Harlan’s twisted body in his apartment days from now, after he accidentally breaks his back by taraksvasanaing too vigorously, and the lesson learned is that when you make a new connection you should always abandon all your other friends to hang out with them all the time.

Family Circus, 6/1/16

I’m not really sure what Dolly is getting at here. God is enlightening us … about the nature of electricity? I’m honestly more concerned about her body language, as she seems to just be blathering soothing nonsense to him to lure him somewhere, possibly the top of a tall, metal pole.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/1/16

“And it’d be crazy if I had to kill you, to make sure that you didn’t shoot your big mouth off about this! Oh, these gun fingers? I’m making them for, uh, no reason at all.”