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Panel from Mary Worth, 1/28/11

Are you feeling anxious? Fearful of the future? Do you lack confidence? Just print out multiple copies of this Mary Worth panel and tape them up pretty much everywhere. “I’m not afraid!” says Mary, as she looks directly at you, through your eyes and into your soul. Either her iron-willed confidence will be transferred to you, or you’ll descend quickly into gibbering madness.

Pluggers, 1/28/11

Pluggers scoff at education, and commerce, and leaving the house, and interacting with fellow humans who aren’t on the teevee-box.

Family Circus, 1/28/11

“The other trees are whores. Stupid naked whores.”

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Spider-Man, 1/21/10

I was too bored to even mention it at the time, but yesterday Aunt May passed out and our subterranean clergyman pretended to be a doctor and diagnosed her with “Spelunker’s Lung.” Today, the cave-priest admits to not being a doctor after all, but still insists that his diagnosis and prescribed remedy are accurate. He can’t be certain, but he’s certain she’ll die, unless she gets out of this cave! And Mole Man, emoting so very hard that his gloved hands break out of the third panel, will give up his one shot at love, so that his love may live.

Ha ha, “Spelunker’s Lung,” totally a made-up thing, right? Well, a little Googling seems to imply that this is one of several common names for Histoplasmosis. Let’s learn about this affliction from Wikipedia, shall we?

Histoplasmosis … is a disease caused by the fungus Histoplasma capsulatum. Symptoms of this infection vary greatly, but the disease primarily affects the lungs. Occasionally, other organs are affected; this is called disseminated histoplasmosis, and it can be fatal if left untreated.

Yes, that’s right: Spider-man was not able to rescue Aunt May from her underground marriage, so a microscopic fungus had to do it for him. Truly this is his greatest failure in superheroism yet!

Also, if information about this important newspaper Spider-man plot point is not added post-haste to the “Society and Culture” section of that Histoplasmosis Wikipedia article, along with descriptions of references to the disease in episodes of House and Dexter, then everything I think I know about the world is wrong.

Gasoline Alley, 1/21/11

Whoops, it looks like some history-challenged colorist has accidentally dressed Robert E. Lee and his men in Union blue. Hope you enjoy your thousands of angry letters lecturing you about the true history of the War of Northern Aggression, Tribune Media Services!

Family Circus, 1/21/11

From the action and the hairstyles on screen, I’d guess that Mommy has taken Jeffy to a porno, circa 1978. From Mommy’s tiny head and pencil neck sitting atop her impossibly broad shoulders, I’d guess that “Mommy” is some kind of quickly constructed dummy or mannequin, designed to fool Jeffy into thinking that he’s still being cared for long enough for the real Mommy to escape into the night.

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Apartment 3-G, 1/20/11

“We are not in the same boat, Tommie! Do you hear me? Not the same! Never have been! Never will be!”

Actually, while I love mocking a good Margo beatdown as much as the next guy, I honestly have no idea what Tommie is talking about. Margo is managing multiple businesses and overextended, and Tommie is … what, exactly? Maybe she has her own wedding planning business too, just like Margo, except it’s super boring so the strip never bothers to show us anything about it.

Family Circus, 1/20/11

“Grandma also says that most kids these days ride in child seats, or at least get buckled in by seatbelts, but Daddy doesn’t really care if we live or die.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/20/11

“Tarnation! Y’say thar’s a store bringing the devil’s commerce into our subsistance agriculture-based economy? Time t’get together a torch-wieldin’ mob!”