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Mary Worth, 11/6/22

Welp, it looks like Mary Worth does have an important lesson to teach us about love, and it’s that if your gal rejects your marriage proposal, all you have to do is (literally) dangle the prospect of your death in front of her to make her realize what she could be missing. The best case scenario here is that we find out that Zak staged this whole incident and it throws their relationship into turmoil, but assuming they do get married, we need to start thinking about who’s going to make the biggest ass of themselves at the wedding. Everyone’s going to say “Wilbur,” of course, but I am begging you to not sleep on Tommy, who could quite frankly go in any number of erratic directions emotionally even if he stays sober.

Beetle Bailey, 11/6/22

I’m fascinated and a little saddened that Beetle, the laziest man alive, doesn’t even contemplating reading for pleasure in order to lull himself to sleep, and instead picks up a book that promises to teach him a skill! But all’s well that end’s well, and by “end’s well” I mean that in the end he’s finally imprisoned, for his many crimes.

Family Circus, 11/6/22

Look, I know we’re all upset that Ma Keane is talking about and describing “Not Me” directly, when we all know it’s supposed to be a little in-joke that’s visualized but never spoken about, but let’s not let that distract us from the most important thing here, which is that Billy is so dumb he can’t even count to six.

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Blondie, 11/2/22

I had a whole riff ready to go here about how I’m not a prude and it’s not like I think legacy comics characters shouldn’t feel and express sexual desire but I’m not a huge fan of Alexander Bumstead, a freakish-looking teen carbon copy of his father, being “hot for teacher,” but then my brain short circuited when I noticed his sister was wearing Crocs. Crocs! Recognizable footwear worn by real, normal people, in a world where these kids’ dad wears a tuxedo with a single dinner-plate sized shirt button to his utterly generic office job. It’s madness, I tell you! Madness!

Dennis the Menace, 11/2/22

This could’ve been a joke about how Margaret is smart and snobby about being smart while Dennis is menacingly stupid if they hadn’t literally put a heart on her sleeve. As it is, it’s just panel about two kids who don’t really understand metaphors, which, I hate to say it, isn’t particularly funny or interesting.

Family Circus, 11/2/22

Ha ha, look at how genuinely upset Billy looks! This kid has definitely done some crimes and is panicking that the so-called “constitutional protections” he learned about in his liberal public school do not apply in the Keane Kompound.

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Well, it seems like it’s been forever, so let’s all catch up — on fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Family Circus, 9/4/22

“I guess they call them ‘charismatic megafauna’ because they hog all the damn attention! Even out of the mind of babes it’s pretty much mammal, mammal, mammal, except for that ridiculous bug. Barfy there seems as peeved as I am about this: Reptiles are creatures, too!“

Mark Trail, 9/4/22

“‘Armored body,’ indeed—it looks like somebody is trying to grab a little of that turtle élan. And everybody knows leprosy is just the poor mammal’s salmonella. How would you like it if we reptiles put on hair and pretended to be like you?”

“Not much, I bet!”

Phantom, 9/4/22 (panel)

“Now, I’m not saying mammals don’t have their uses—like, say, if you’re a dead guy trying to guard the tomb of a different dead guy.”

Slylock Fox, 9/4/22 (panel)

“But if you want a real pal—to light your way in the darkness, sound the alarm, or take care of the kids—you can’t go wrong with Class Reptilia. It’s true!

Thank you for your kind attention.

— Turtle Carl