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Mary Worth, 3/7/08

Let’s not read too much into Toby’s use of “compulsion” in panel one — I’m pretty confident we’re not going to go much deeper into Mary’s psychology than “my true religion is kindness” or some such claptrap. Some backstory would be a refreshing change, though, full of sailing vessels, crinolines, “prithee”, witch trials, a narrow escape from the stake, a stark struggle for survival through the icy New England winter, and encounters with wolves that prove to be more than they seem. . . .

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/08 and 3/7/08

If I’m not mistaken, this is the first post-jump Funky with a focus on the kids instead of their sad sack elders. Nice start! So let’s overlook the apparent continuity error on Opponent McHeadband’s jersey for now. Instead, look at scrappy Summer Moore there, giving as good as she gets! I gotta ask — where’d she get that from? Surely not everybody’s favorite Utility Victims, Les ‘n’ Lisa! Whose kid is she — I mean, really? Let’s watch as the dark secret emerges, only to grind the last particle of joy from Les’s trudge to the grave.

Family Circus, 3/7/08

On March 7, 2008, Jeff and Bil Keane finally decided that phoning it in was just too damn much work.

– Uncle Lumpy

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Family Circus and Marvin, 2/27/08

Marvin and the Family Circus have apparently decided to keep hammering home these appalling running gags until we beg for mercy. Well, I’m officially begging. Please stop. Please?

Of today’s entries, I find the Family Circus more baffling and disturbing. It seems fairly unlikely that any normal child — or even a Keane Kid — would have the slightest interest in CNN’s resident deranged, babbling 97-year-old talk show host, or even the vaguest idea as to who he is. There’s also something unsettling about the sight of anyone — even a snowman — wearing suspenders but no pants; in particular, the fact that they seem to be affixed to his naked hips implies some kind of kinky piercing situation that believe me, you don’t want to contemplate really at all but especially in terms of Larry King.

Meanwhile, Marvin’s ongoing “Belly Laffs” horror has made the subtle shift from “You know you’re pregnant when you occupy more volume than usual” to “You know you’re pregnant when your mass increases.”

Funky Winkerbean, 2/27/08

“You know what else is expanding rather aggressively? The angle of my legs! Check out Funky’s Winkerbean, baby. You know you want it.”

Apartment 3-G, 2/27/08

By coincidence, Margo’s dialog in panel three is also pretty much the sum total of her foreplay techniques.

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For Better or For Worse, 2/26/08

AT LONG LAST, THE COUNTDOWN HAS STARTED! Yes, the discovery of this priceless family heirloom starts the clock ticking towards the inevitable merging of Liz and Anthony into a single pasty, spineless entity in the eyes of Canadian law. Since the whole story of Liz’s young adulthood has been the systematic quashing of any and all attitudes that come from outside The Family, obviously whatever she wanted to wear will be cast aside and replaced with this dress — which, if every crawlspace I’ve ever encountered is any indication, is yellowed, mildewy, covered with mouse feces, and smells awful. Oh, she’ll look so beautiful walking down the aisle oh-so-carefully to make sure the ancient, moth-eaten thing doesn’t disintegrate!

Dick Tracy, 2/26/08

OK, Dick Tracy, we all know you get some kind of grandfather-clause pass on gruesome violence, but do you really expect us to just sit back and laugh at your artist villain who basically has a set of testicles for a chin? You know, it’s all fun and games to call Grandpa Jim “Grandpa Chin-nuts” or make fun of poor Clambake, but at least with those characters you don’t get the feeling that the artist actually has some scrotum photos out to use as a model.

Dick went through some bizarre and wholly unrealistic process of tracking down art supply sales to figure out that Dab Stract was behind whatever incomprehensible skullduggery is afoot here. But if he didn’t find the artistic representation of human beings to be a sinful arrogation of God’s exclusive power of creation, he could have probably just, you know, looked at the “gross” paintings and recognized the style.

Family Circus, 2/26/08

Those “cool friends” snowman “joke” cartoons are apparently going to continue for as long as there’s snow on the ground, or until our wills are broken, whichever comes first. Today’s kneeling, praying snowman illustrates a bit too much the limits to the traditional three-sphere school of snowman construction. When you’ve got essentially three giant balls of decreasing size, it looks fine. But when you sketch in leglines like this, it just looks like you’ve got a devout snowman with an enormous ass.