Post Content

Family Circus, 11/19/07

I’m not going to denigrate Billy’s school for letting him on the team based on the quality of his celebratory frolicking. After all, wasn’t the Ickey Shuffle pretty much the high point in the long and non-storied history of the Cincinnati Bengals franchise? The competition for ticket dollars among elementary school football programs is fierce, and so obviously each team will want to find the best showmen to keep the crowds coming back. No, what disturbs me is how dirty Billy is, which frankly doesn’t speak well for the aesthetic judgement of the coaches. I mean, what, did his “touchdown dance” consist of him rolling around in the dirt? Or did (God forbid) he attempt to breakdance? While I don’t doubt that our moronic little towhead might think that such pathetic displays might constitute a good signature celebration, I find it sad that they would earn him a spot on the team. This is why the athletic and drama departments really need to work together more closely.

Gil Thorp, 11/19/07

Speaking of which, Cully seems to have come to Coach Thorp’s office directly from rehearsal for the school production of Dracula. “I’m no killer! I merely drain the blood I need for sustenance from the veins of my victims, transforming them into the living dead.”

Gil’s smug diagonal leaning pose (a common enough Gil Thorp visual trope; see for instance here and here) is all the more hilarious because his little head game is epically misguided and pointless, and certainly nothing to be proud of. “See, Cully, I told you — you’re no killer! You’re a bully who breaks into people’s houses to steal electronics, and you’ll probably be addicted to meth soon if you aren’t already. Now run along! Oh, and please kill Marty Moon. I’m serious.”

Mark Trail, 11/19/07

Ah, if there’s one thing that’s going defuse a violent situation and calm down a dude who’s got a gun out in his boat, it’s condescendingly tousling his hair, then pumping him full of caffeine. That’s just the sort of crowd control techniques you learn at Mountie Academy! Or forest ranger school. Or in basic training, preparing to go fight Fritz with General Pershing’s army. Seriously, who the hell is that guy supposed to be?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/07

Make it stop, I’m begging you. Hey, remember when June went to the DMV! Ha ha, good times! Please. I … I won’t make fun of you any more. Just let up for a day or two. Please.

Also, fans of TDIET and/or toys will want to check out today’s Shortpacked!

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 11/16/07

And then Apartment 3-G, was all like “Oh hey didn’t we have this whole thing going where we were broadly hinting that the Professor had this obnoxious much younger girlfriend?” Now of course, the man in the camel-hair suit must choose between a pair of unappealing extremes, which should make for good fun for a day or two. I’m hoping for a Fatal Attraction style scenario myself. “Oh, Ari, I was screaming at the top of my lungs because I thought that maybe you were stepping out on me and I was going to have to stab you to death. But now that you’re here, I know it was just a silly figment of my imagination! Say, who’s the touring-company Blanche DuBois over here?”

Judge Parker, 11/16/07

OK, this has been bothering me ever since the bottled water angle came up and I haven’t said anything because it’s not funny but … but … HEY SOPHIE! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY? IF WE HAD SOME WAY TO GET CLEAN, POTABLE WATER TO JUST ABOUT EVERY HOME IN AMERICA THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE BOTTLES OR TRUCKS AT ALL! LIKE, IF IT COULD JUST FLOW THROUGH PIPES OF SOME SORT! HUNDREDS OF GALLONS LITERALLY ON TAP AT ANY TIME FOR A COUPLE OF DOLLARS A DAY! WITH NO BOTTLES TO THROW OUT AND NO FOSSIL FUELS USED IN TRANSPORTING IT! I KNOW, PIPE DREAM, RIGHT?

Okay, no more of that, I promise. But still … edible fucking bottles? Honestly.

Family Circus, 11/16/07

“Mothers are supposed to beat their children when they disobey. You’re weak, Mommy, just like Daddy says, just like your crying little daughter over there. Weak.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/07

“And always wet your hands before you handle a trout!”

…

“And always wet your hands before you handle a trout!”

…

Honestly, I … I don’t even know what anybody expects me to say about this stuff anymore. At least the unpleasant pederastic overtones have been removed, since Niki now appears to be approximately 25 in that final panel. Fish on, fellas.

Post Content

Dick Tracy, 11/13/07

This week’s award for worst punctuated sentence containing unnecessary exposition: “But why Tracy? Why, me, the mayor?”

Hagar the Horrible, 11/13/07

Straightforward responses to honest questions: Not funny. Straightforward responses to honest questions on a desert island: Funny!

No, wait, I meant not funny. My mistake.

Mark Trail, 11/13/07

“I’ll fix him with my bare hands … which I’ll use to remove my pants!”

Spider-Man, 11/13/07

All future Spider-Man strips will consist entirely of the title character aimlessly web-slinging around New York as he explains what has already happened and what’s about to happen in the current plot. This change will represent a marked improvement.

Family Circus, 11/13/07

Ha ha! Jeffy thinks he’s going to college!

Wizard of Id, 11/13/07

Ha ha! This peasant is so terrified at the prospect of being strangled to death that he fainted!

Mary Worth, 11/13/07

HOLY CRAP THAT DOG’S FACE IS THE SCARIEST THING I’VE SEEN ALL DAY