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Family Circus, 2/24/08

O Sunday Family Circus, why do you insist on the being baffling and totally insane? These snowman scenarios grow increasingly deranged and disturbing as you move clockwise through the strip. “Snowy’s Kindergarden” is forgettable treacle; one might be tempted to gloss over the Symphony Hall entry with equal speed, except that upon closer inspection it appears that our be-headphoned conductor snowbeing may actually be inside the symphony hall? And if so, would there by any more disturbing moment for a professional concert musician than coming into work one day and finding a pile of snow on the floor and a ghastly simulacrum of your conductor grinning dumbly and listening to headphones?

From there, it gets worse. Obviously the melting snowman at the global warming talk is a horrifying nightmare; the way it’s cradling its head, desperately trying to keep it from falling off its rapidly shrinking neck and rolling across the floor, would be poignant if it weren’t so terrifying. And finally, we arrive at … OK, where is that? Does that building in the background have bars on the window? Is that snowman in prison? My God, it’s in prison, isn’t it? And that rolling ball in front of it is … what, exactly? The severed head of a prison snitch? The mind boggles?

If we want good, old-fashioned fun, we need to turn to people who know how to have a good time … pirates!

Panel from the Phantom, 2/24/08

WOO! PIRATE PARTY! Even when it’s about over, you can see they’re having a good time, because they’re still laughing it up! With their pirate antics! WOO! HA HA! Sunday’s strip got all Phantom-fisty and skull-marky after this point, but I just wanted to linger on the moment when the pirates were allowed to have their fun.

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Family Circus, 2/17/08

Everything those fussbudgets who testified before Congress in the 1950s about the evils of the comics industry and how the comics were rotting the tiny brains of America’s youth said was true, because I used to be a pretty smart guy who got a graduate degree in a useless, esoteric subject and now after three and a half years of doing this blog I apparently can’t even figure out the freaking Family Circus. Why did Billy’s hideous multihued plaid shirt earn the unwelcome attention of his teachers? Since they surely haven’t bothered to learn the names of their interchangeable moppet charges, you’d think they’d probably call on kids by saying “Hey, you in the blue” or the like, and would rather pass the eldest Keane kid over rather than hazard a guess at what to call that monstrosity of a garment. It’s possible that someone on the faculty is epileptic, and when Billy says he was “called on” he merely means that he was ordered to cover up lest he induce a seizure.

Mary Worth, 2/17/08

“If you want to resolve this permanently, Drew, why don’t you just go straight to hell? You’ll wish you did, after hearing my advice!”

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Apartment 3-G, 2/13/08

Yes, what must he think of you, Lu Ann? Since last we saw your art opening was actually in progress, and “meanwhile” you’re moping around Apartment 3-G, I’d imagine that he’s thinking something like this:

“God damn it, where is that moron? It’s not like these profoundly mediocre fern paintings are going to fly off the walls by themselves; since Margo has gone out of her way to make the show all about Lu Ann and her ghostly inspiration, the least she can do is come down here and sell this crap. She’d better be wearing something low-cut, too, that can only help. I swear to God, I — hey, there’s my connection! Gotta run!”

For Better Or For Worse, 2/13/08

Amusing as it is to see toddler Elizabeth wandering around with a toilet on her head (all the better to prepare for a life of being crapped on by Anthony! Har har!), I’m even more tickled by Ellie’s opening sentence, which sort of implies that her mother worries that she in fact does not plan to potty-train her daughter, but will rather allow her to go through life urinating and defecating in her pants whenever the mood strikes. “We were going to train Lizzie, mom, but you saw what a jerk Michael turned into after we did it. I swear, it’s too bad Freud isn’t alive; he’d have a field day with what learning to poop in a bowl did to that kid’s personality. We figure a lifetime of changing diapers will be a small price to pay.”

Gil Thorp, 2/13/08

“…starts muscling Andrew Gregory…”

“A slick back-door cut…”

“…shakes loose underneath…”

You know, some days this stuff pretty much just writes itself.

Family Circus, 2/13/08

“There’s only one way to figure this out — I’m going to pee on his head!”

OK, that … that was probably unforgivable. But why did they draw Billy fumbling with his fly if they didn’t want me to make this joke, huh? Why? Why do you tempt me, O Family Circus?