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Judge Parker, 2/24/19

Oh, hey, Judge Parker! Here’s what’s been going in Judge Parker: the police of the tropical island paradise where Marie was enjoying her honeymoon with Roy were only suggesting that she had killed him in order to flush him out of hiding, because it turned out he had embezzled a bunch of money from his employer and faked his death and now was on an entirely different resort island several thousand miles away. Obviously Marie is very broken up about this, which is why it’s extremely kind of Sam to let her fly back to the States in business class with him, right before she has to go back to cleaning his underwear and cooking him dinners that he’ll briefly acknowledge with a grunt before eating in stony silence.

Family Circus, 2/24/19

Oh, isn’t that cute! This hill is haunted by the ghosts of all the other children who died sledding down its steep, dangerous slopes! Look at Big Daddy Keane’s little smile: he knows.

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Dick Tracy, 2/18/19

In case for some reason you’re interested in how the various strands of the current Dick Tracy plot fit together: Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, also used to be married to Zelda the high diver, who is also Vitamin Flintheart’s goddaughter, and was I think going to go on a date with the drunkard playing Dick in the play Vitamin is in, but then she got kidnapped by Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf and also her husband, despite the fact that she had been assigned a police protection detail because Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, had sworn vengeance on her for some reason I forget now, possibly because he’s insane, I dunno, it’s Dick Tracy, it’s not super nuanced. Anyway, it sure is a lousy break for Zelda, isn’t it? Getting kidnapped by her deranged ex-husband, who presumably wants to murder her or worse? Just a piece of darn rotten luck that certainly the agency that knew about the threat to her and promised to protect her isn’t responsible for in any way.

Family Circus, 2/18/19

Oh, snap, is the Family Circus going to get political? It’s a good thing Big Daddy Keane is wearing that kevlar vest, as this single-panel comic in which kids say the darndest things was the last bit of shared pop culture holding our frayed national fabric together, and now that’s “gone partisan” the violent civil war is about to erupt.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Linda has to choose between retiring comfortably and spending time with her addled husband as he rapidly declines! Like, literally, that’s the joke here in today’s knee-slapping Funky Winkerbean, a newspaper comic they print where children can see it!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/12/19

I’m really enjoying Rex’s grim facial expression as he slides safely to earth here. Brayden may have a weirdly adult affect, but at least he’s letting out a rowdy “whoa!!!” Rex, meanwhile, is thinking back to his time in grade school, when he was surrounded by other children who didn’t treat slide-time with the extreme seriousness it deserved. Now he’s going to show them how it’s done, by God.

Gil Thorp, 2/12/19

Oh, whoops, it seems that it’s just the prospect of therapy that has supercharged Mike Filion’s basketball skills. But now that he’s doing great on the court, maybe he doesn’t need therapy at all! You know what they say: winners don’t use drugs, but winning is a more powerful drug than anything the scientists at GlaxoSmithKline could come up with!

Family Circus, 2/12/19

Not sure who this ginger is or how he managed to wander into the Keane Kompound, but Ma Keane is clearly taking no chances of any unauthorized interactions transpiring between him and her brood. Is he here to steal valuable Keane darndest-thing-saying intellectual property???