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Family Circus, 10/14/18

Maybe it’s the “vest,” but I’m pretty much imagining all of these being said in a faux Eastern European accent, aka “the Dracula,” and having said that now I’m imagining a version of Dracula where instead of decamping from Transylvania to Victorian London, he heads to the American Old West instead? Excuse me, the “Old Vest.” And then he, like, drinks the blood of a bunch of cowboys and so on. Their exsanguinated corpses end up in the “symmetry,” ah ha ha! (That laughter should be imagined in the voice of Bela Lugosi as Dracula, or, if we’re being real, the Muppets’ Count Von Count.) It’s very sad to me that Billy (age 7) will make millions from this idea and not me, but I’m nothing if not scrupulous about intellectual property laws.

Dennis the Menace, 10/14/18

Henry is just joking wryly in the throwaway panel, but what if he weren’t? What if a whole series of babysitters, despite being paid good money to care for a child, and despite child abandonment being a literal crime, had just left Dennis to his own devices, fleeing into the night, never to be seen again? Just dozens of them being hauled into court on child endangerment charges, shouting “IT WAS WORTH IT, NO JURY WILL CONVICT ME, I HAVE PICTURES.”

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The Lockhorns, 9/29/18

Congrats to the syndicate colorists who successfully researched and reproduced the New York Jets’ team colors in this panel! Also, since the Lockhorns feel like a very Long Island family to me, Leroy’s fandom makes sense, geographically and (I can say this as a similarly long-suffering Bills fan) spiritually. Anyway, my main point here is despite the best stabs at accuracy from everyone involved, Leroy still looks like Mario’s brother Luigi, which is fairly comical and probably not helping the Jets in their quixotic quest for a winning 2018 season.

Pluggers, 9/29/18

Despite appearances, this isn’t an old man looking forward to some wholesome quality time with his grandson. That’s the smile of a skillful Monopoly shark who’s finally gotten to the stage of the grift when he says, “Say, why don’t we try betting some big money on this one, champ?”

Family Circus, 9/29/18

“Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets — I just wish it weren’t on a weekend, O Lord.” I wouldn’t have called it in advance, but seeing a St. Augustine/Taxi Driver mashup in the Family Circus just feels right.

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Crankshaft, 9/24/18

Hmm, is Crankshaft adding a new character to its cast? Or is this old lady someone who appeared years ago and I never knew about her or perhaps forgot? At any rate, I’m very looking forward to a plot where once again Darla Gillespie organizes her class reunion, making meticulous preparations but hoping that this is the year when nobody shows up because they’ve all died and she can finally declare herself the winner of the tontine.

Gil Thorp, 9/24/18

Oh, I’m sorry, is Tiki Jansen not a star? Maybe if we consider “star” an inadequate term for a guy who blocks field goals by jumping, like … 10, 20 feet in the air? I’m not a scientist, but that seems pretty impressive. Anyway, here’s hoping for an all special teams fall plot! Just Marty Moon watching botched kick after botched kick, his eyes bugging out in shellshocked awe!

Family Circus, 9/24/18

The commands of the God of Christianity have failed to restrain Jeffy’s sinful behavior, so his mother has, sadly, been forced to turn to witchcraft.